Sunday, January 8, 2012

[New Year New You] My Response to Something I've Been Putting Off

Yeah it looks just like this.  Especially the heels.

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.

Right.  So I could pretend that I'm putting off business related things but that's bullshit because much like Timmy Ferris I enjoy working on business things most of the time so going by that I could claim to have a 4 hour work week too.  Going to work?  Hooray!  Even when the baby of the day won't stop screaming and/or shits so far up her back it almost reaches her neck.  I like working, it makes me feel productive.  Finding craft shows?  Also productive feeling.  Ordering craft supplies?  Super awesome, it's shopping *and* business.  Doing craft shows?  Occasionally annoyed by annoying customers but overall a productive feeling.

(Slightly related to the business thing, if anyone is looking for a dozen new and unused 16 oz jars with lids, I have them listed on my Etsy.  My quest for the right sized jars for a project continues!)

But that is a bold face lie, Charmers.  Inevitably, what I put off gets put into three categories:

1. Body related things

2. Cleaning

3. Writing

Writing has not so much been a problem with the whole Experiment although admittedly I do sometimes feel like I'm shoveling snow while it's still snowing in my quest to read everyone's entries and comment but it's also made me streamline my intertube habits.  But I've been writing all the prompts I'm supposed to be writing and responding to my prompts as well as getting more articles queued up for WitchVox (which generates more email to respond to because I can't get enough of your love, baby).  I've also been following up on some fiction stuff (selecting cover art for a short eBook, lining up readings, etc).

Cleaning inevitably gets done because we live in a small space and it starts to get me irritated if things slide for too long.  I did talk to Jow about strategy for when I start working more hours shortly.  We sorted out how things would be distributed/if we need to consider a cleaning service.  I'm putting it off as we speak right now but I will be watching Hoarders and eating lunch after this which always kicks my ass into gear.

Which brings us to . . .body related things.  A friend of mine had written on Facebook that since losing some weight, family, family and even strangers have felt like they have the right to comment on her body and how uncomfortable that makes her.  I had been feeling that way for several years which has really stopped me from losing weight because it makes me feel like I lose agency over my body.  As a feminist, you can imagine how distressing that is.  (Side note: I think being pregnant would *really* freak me out hardcore because being preggo just makes that issue like a bazillion times worse)  Honestly, just talking to someone else who has the same issue really made me feel better.  Before I talked to her, no one else I know seemed bothered by it which made me feel like an isolated weirdo which made me feel like I would prefer to be a bigger chick who was left the fuck alone.

But I really want to be at a size that makes me feel happier with my body.  I will never be smaller than a size 12 and I'm okay with that.  My bone structure and my boobs will never conform to that.  I'm somewhere between a size 14 and 16 and I would like to be closer to a 12.  Numbers are arbitrary, but I have pictures of myself at a 12/14 and I like the way I look there a lot more.  So that means I would ideally like to lose between 30 and 40 pounds.  It took me a long time to gain that weight, it's going to take a long time to lose it and maintain it.  While, yes, I would prefer a quick fix, I would really rather prefer to maintain a weight rather than treadmill for five hours a day for three months and then just gain it back.  I don't want to be ruled by a "system" and I don't want to be ruled by a scale but I also don't want to be ruled by my eating issues either.  I also want to get to a point where I can go to a party or an event and eat what I want and then go back to eating more sensibly and healthy without it being a whole traumatic event (I tend to either be on the bus or off the bus with this stuff).

I think part of the issue is that without a set diet, I didn't know up until five minutes ago how much weight I can expect to lose which also made it hard for me to feel motivated because otherwise it feels so arbitrary.   Going by the calculator that Fitness magazine has (and continually adjusting my weight as I would theoretically be losing it) with the amount of calories I feel comfortable with (1500ish) and my activity level (light, gym twice a week), it's not impossible for me to be at my goal weight by August.  I also figured out how many calories I should be taking in to maintain that weight (1800ish) with the same activity level.

I've been finding SparkPeople very helpful in tracking my calories and whatnot, more so I can track my patterns and to help me have an idea of when I'm overdoing it.

So, here's the part that's hard for me to share because saying it makes it real.

1. I will be going to my first BarreAmped class tomorrow which I'm terrified about.  I used to love modern dance in college but I was a lot more in shape and lighter then.  I'm worried that this is going to totally trigger my fibro and/or I will be humiliated by not being able to keep up.  I've already ditched out of going once but it's a Groupon so I'm running out of time to fuck around about it.  And now I also don't want to look hypercritical in front of all of you so now I have to.  My palms are sweating right now just thinking about it.

2. When I am out of those classes, I will start my five yoga classes and hopefully be able to do at least one hot yoga class because I really have wanted to try it for years.

3. In between all that, I will be going to the gym another time sometime in the week.  When I run out of classes, twice a week (possibly Saturdays and Mondays seem the easiest to manage and maintain for all fitness).

4. To try to get myself into my own body again, I booked a boudoir shoot to happen over the summer.  I hate having my picture taken, I always look awkward and weird and I'd like to get more comfortable with myself and work my way up to feeling comfortable with doing a boudoir shoot.

So . . . here I am.


Anonymous said...

You're on Spark? So am I. I'm DEC2DEC. Stop by my page....

Bea said...

Eep, I feel you with the whole 'loosing weight means an invitation for people to make you feel shame on either how you look now or how you looked before the weight'

Good luck with your exercise classes!

The ocelot said...

I get the "hey, what makes you think it's OK to comment on my body?" thing, unless it's by friends/family who know I'm trying to get back into better shape. They're supportive and not at all critical - it's like being told that I've improved in my riding, not that I was riding like crap before, if you see what I mean.

As to the hot yoga, eh. I'd advise that you take an intro or single class before you commit. When my kid sister was a fitness buff (boxing, running, etc), she tried it, but didn't really care for it - she thinks Anusara is better, and as someone who sounds like breakfast cereal most mornings, I tend to agree. They use props and things, and there's a lot of adapting the poses to you, rather than the other way around.

But, of course, you may already know about Anusara and YMMV. :)

Amber said...

Hey Darlin! I tagged you in a blog game! Check out for more info! Hope you'll play along :D

Peeps said...

I hate the way that body changes give people the need to comment. They're being supportive, of course, but it triggers all kinds of icky things when the only positive feedback you get is when you are losing weight or get your hair done, i.e. conform to a more stereotypical version of femininity.

Hot yoga can be awesome. Be really gentle with yourself because the extra elasticity makes it easy to hurt yourself. (My dr. banned me afte I sprained my back twice. My foot doesn't belong on the back of my head, apparently...) Prepare to sweat more than you knew was humanly possible and don't put on lotion between showering and going to the class. It will magically activate into and oil slick and make it hard to hold positions. Coconut oil absorbs in and won't do that. There's no shame in taking a break and lying on your mat for a few minutes of breathing if you feel like you might barf. It takes a couple of rounds to adjust to the level of heat and humidity - and I say that as a Texan.

Jealous of your boudoir shoot. I've been thinking about that as a way to ground in my body, too.

petoskystone said...

I'm thinking that if you conducted a survey of what gets put off the most amongst your Charmers, #1 & #2 would probably on most lists.
There seemed to be a lot of energy in the Full Moon this weekend, which is helping me get myself in gear for the week & moving my #1 & #2 issues into action. (In other words, I am feeling an extraordinary amount of joyful moon energy today as I am always, it seems, a day or 2 behind in feeling the planets move)

Unknown said...

Hope that this interests you.
Regarding body change... There a little know study from a Portuguese University, that proves that eating slowly (S-L-O-W-L-Y)is as efficient for losing weight as stomach reduction surgery.
With practice you can make a small sandwich last for 45 minutes to one hour.

Deborah Castellano said...

@ ximeragrey - I'm akasha124 :)

@ Peeps, Bea & ocelot - It's nice to not feel like the lone crazy w/r/t body commenting!

@ Peeps & The Ocelot - Yeah I got scolded by a bunch of people about hot yoga. I doubt I'm actually that hard core. I can take any classes I like, I can start with easier and see if I can hack an easier one and then go from there. :)

@ Petoskystone & Hanshishiro - Food for thought! Pun intended!

Anonymous said...

Great post :) It's nice to see that women want to love their bodies more, and trying to get out of that stupid media-driven mentality that we're not good enough in the looks department, ever (there's always something that can be made to look better, according to them).
I hope you have fun with your classes! And that photoshoot this summer sounds awesome! I didn't know people did that, but it's amazing :)

MG Ellington said...

I think you hit my three and I can add one more - paperwork.

Turns out I could add more even.

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