Emotional Cutting, the French and Your Magical Practice

Because I'm an emotional cutter, nothing says trying to unwind from a hectic schedule of nannying and a terrible fibro flareup like reading books about French women and why everything they do is awesome including, probably, pooping. 

And of course the French seem to be unbearably smug about everything from how easy it is for them to parent to not needing close friends to never getting fat to all their food to always being fashionable and having sex all the time and work life balance?  What is that?  We don't even need to worry about that.

So as always, upon completing a French aspirational book I'm torn between equal parts frothing jealous hatred and desperate desire to be like a French woman.

I was talking to Gordon about how there doesn't seem to be much in the way of magical practice on how not to be heavier than you would prefer.  We both have theories about this, mine is a lot of blahblahblah the gods from Pagan cultures don't really understand the concept of having too much food and not enough exercise so when you're like, PLEASE YEMAYA, I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE, HALP HALP.  She's like . . .explain?  And I'm like, NO MORE FAT!  NOT HAPPY!  And She's like, you're unhappy because of your incredible access to any food whenever you want and your ginormous boobs and hips and ass that means that you'd be a good mate and mother?  And I'm like. . . .yes.  And she's like, girl I don't even know where to start with that.

So I've been thinking a lot about the French, living well, magic, appearance, glamour and charm/Charm. 

Naturally, the French look down their nose at what I'm doing right now (working like a psycho).  Jason wrote about how sometimes you just need to accept things are going to suck in order to get the things you want.  And I agree with that as well and it's been what I've been doing so far this year.  But I'm not good at accepting a never ending suck without end for a year.  It makes me depressed and aggreviated and irritated. 

So last night I called a meeting with all my personal pantheon and just made a tearful plea to help me figure out how to not be fat, how to be happy and how to still accomplish my goals. I woke up this morning ready to take on the world a little better.

What I'm Doing (and You Can Too):
1. Glamour correctly.   My previous glamours weren't working right because as one of my mentors told me, I'm fishing in the wrong pond.  I don't want someone in particular attracted to me, I'm not looking to get down really and I don't want anyone getting all "I must have you" and I must have mace or a restraining order.  I'm looking more for light flirtation and people  to think I'm charming and attractive.  To this end, I'm making a mojo hand for this working (and I'll make them available if I like the way mine works) and I'm getting a new TAL oil.  I'm going to contemplate new sigils as well.

2. Do you feel good about how you look on a random Tuesday?  First off, I needed to get a good hair cut, so I did that.  But I don't have time to flat iron at 6a for only a baby to see it.  But I could get really cute hair ties to jazz up my ponytail and use a few bobby pins.  I needed to figure out how to look cute while still being vomited and shat on.  I got inspired from a few place to figure out what I should be wearing and created a Pintrest board to really pull my week day look together as well as figure out some pj wear and going out clothes.   It really helped to focus me for what I was going for.  I also developed a quick make up routine as well.

3. You Are Not Alone  Besides Charmers working on their Experiments, people are working on unfucking their lives mundanely on Tumblr.  I am especially fond of Cat Valente's Girl Unlocked because she's a writer too and has similar issues to me. Also she's super funny and has a great makeup routine.

4. You Don't Have to Like It, You Just Have to Do It.  This motto has helped me start to get my ass to the gym three times last week.  It really helped me shut my brain weasels off by going straight to the gym as soon as I got up.  For me it also helped to hear that it was okay to have more pain than usual with the fibro, it was better to do it. (My current flare started on Wed due to weather changes verses gym changes.  30 degree change in a day knocks me flat on my ass every time)

5. Small Changes.  Okay so the French would probably not be into us eating the same thing practically every night as we've been doing.  So I just looked up some crockpot recipes to jazz things up on my Tues/Thurs which is my longest night.  We just got a cleaning service because with both of us working 40+ hours a week, it was becoming ridic.  A cleaning service will also keep us on top of things they don't do - decluttering, laundry, etc.  I'm tired of our tea kettles always getting gross.  I just ordered an electric kettle (and some fancy tea and okay, another French aspirational book because again, emotional cutter).  

6. Petition the right gods and spirits.  I'm working on a project that might bring me closer to the right spirit/Egregor but it's still in its baby stages.  In the interim, consider Durga.  Durga may not be overly invested in your weight loss per se, but She can relate to a person wanting to be as pretty, charming and smart as She is.  Puja and mala work works for this.

7. How Important Is This to You?  Really.  I keep crying and whining about being fat, not tending to my inner garden (the French are apparently big on this), not feeling sexy, etc., etc.  But what am I doing?  To the French, it's apparently more important to look good than to eat that donut.  So I'm going to change my eating habits and try to think more about what I'm eating and why.  Daytime eating tends to be boring anyway so I have a new plan for that.  I'm also going to cut down on snacks.  I am a huge snacker.  The French don't do that.  So . . .we'll see.

Outsiders: What Like It's Hard or Something?

In ADF Druidry, there's a whole section in the beginning of the rite on Outsiders which is actually one of the more hotly contested aspects of the ADF ritual between ADF groves, the contested aspects tend to focus on 1. Who are the Outsiders? 2. What should be done with the Outsiders? Some groves think certain gods and attributes should always be Outsiders and Outsiders should be banished. Well, as I've mentioned, my grove has more in common with tent revivalists than with High Episcopagans generally, we take somewhat of a different stance than that.

Our grove generally feels who the Outsiders are depends on the ritual. If you're doing a ritual to the Furies for example, the Olympians are likely to be Outsiders. Eris' Outsiders are going to be different than Hera's Outsiders. We also don't banish as that should (theoretically) be permanent and not for nothing, living in NJ, you need your crunchy shell of cynicism, wariness and snarkiness to get through the day. But. They're not the most helpful aspects to get through a ritual that was basically started by drunk college kids in the 60's who wanted to break Berkley College's administrative brains while invoking gods from cultures that were and are pretty far from America in someone's living room in New Jersey. So we basically ask those aspect and those Gods and ghosts and whatnot who wouldn't be comfortable for the rit to go sit on the porch until the ritual is over and watch the college kids and cars go by until everyone comes and collects their Outsiders after ritual. We also make offerings to the Outsiders as well (generally with a carefully worded, Please accept our offering, not the offerer. . . the Outsiders tend to like to linger with the offerer and will often try to persuade the offerer to go on a fun adventure with them instead of sitting through boring ritual). Sometimes, people attending the rit feel like Outsiders themselves which can be for any reason from it's a pantheon they're not comfortable with, the rit itself isn't where their headspace is at or what is politely referred to as "the weather in your head" (which often is a euphemism for having High Drama with someone(s) in the grove or just life shit that you're going through that has nothing to do with anyone there but puts you in a sour mood) and I can tell you from experience, when the Outsider invocation is made and you feel like an Outsider, it's hard not to follower the offerer outside (I think at the Pagan picnic with the other grove invoking and it being so different than how we do things that when they did the Outsider offering I saw everyone from my grove visibly twitch not to follow but . . .manners).

Where I'm going with all of this is that I think it's very possible to feel like an Outsider even here on our beloved blogosphere. I've spoken in the past about being fretful about not fitting the "kitchen witch" mold closely enough and how sometimes that's hard for me. This year, while I love you all, it's been hard with the never ending High Magic Grimoire Club that has taken root in much of the blogosphere. I dutifully read and I'm happy that it works for y'all but it doesn't do a whole lot for me. As it doesn't do a whole lot for me, it's taken me out of the conversation for the better part of a year. Which is nobody's fault! I'm not casting blame or anything, it's just not where I fit. I mean, I even live with one so I harass him with a never ending stream of questions hoping that something will click at some point which inevitably essentially disintegrates into an exasperated "because that's the way it is, that's why!". We finally got to a place where I got it when he explained that you can't just date High Magic, you have to at least go steady or get engaged and get into a super srs arrangement straight from the gate. Man, I cannot commit to anyone or anything like that, I want to have an awkward first date where I can ask some questions and see you do something charming and cool and then make my decision from there. You can do that with Hoodoo, Wicca, ADF Druidry and even layperson Hinduism.

So I've been marinating a lot about where I fit. I've been thinking a lot about Gordon's post on little magics everywhere which is my jam along with radical practicality. For some reason for a long time I've hesitated to call myself a Chaos mage. Maybe because the first time around, it was this super cool 90's phenomenon that felt super alterna and punky and everyone doing it was way cooler than I was. To me it was like the first Matrix when that was impressive at the time or like Hackers or whatever else that was going on that had only a vague basis in reality but everyone was really excited about it anyway. The two girls I know locally who id as chaos mages are kind of like a modern 2011 version of that which is why I've also hesitated about the label which is super stupid because they're also close friends who I've done magic (awesomely) with and they are super down to earth and awesome with real problems. I guess I felt like I didn't fit the mold there either exactly? So besides the obv revelation that no one perfectly fits any mold, I had another revelation when talking to Jow:

Me: I don't know! I just do stuff! And people seem to relate to it even though I don't feel like I have an orderly manner in doing it and I feel like a toned down version of Penelope Trunk with my apparent pathological need to spew out all my fucked upness and flaws to the internet.

Jow (patiently): But you've been published, you have thousands of people reading your Witchvox articles and sending you emails--

Me: What? Like it's hard or something? Ohmigod! I've got it! I'm the Elle Woods of the occult world!

Jow: Hee! Actually, yes. People underestimated her a lot but she got into Harvard law school and graduated at the top of her class and she has a big heart and she sort of marches to the beat of her own drummer. Even though people at Harvard thought her clothes was crazy, she didn't care, she wore what she wanted anyway. She didn't change herself to fit in.

Me (dreamily): I love her clothes.

But it's funny, I was really thinking about it, much like Elle didn't fit in with stereotypical Harvard students, she still carved a place for herself and did it her way. I'm always going to be a fashion dork which tends to not be the norm with Pagans in my age group locally, I'm going to see and interact with the gods through clothes and music because that's what makes sense for me. I'm never going to want to do much high magic, I'm always going to want to do little magic everywhere and I'm just . . .going to be me and not worry about being whatever enough. I think that's where I struggle in writing my book, I feel like I'm not mommy enough for a kitchen witch book but not alterna enough to take more of a super srs approach. So whatever. I'm just going to write the way I write and do things the way I do things and stop worrying so much.

Bend and snap, bitches.

When You're Not the Specialist Snowflake

You want a truly humbling experience? If you as a Pagan have a practice that is not indigenous to your ancestry, go to a place where people who are indigenous to the practice shop.

I had thought I got pretty slick about doing that - being respectful and being able to conduct myself, only minorly getting the stink eye and generally still winning over the shop employees by the end of my purchase. I felt like I knew what I was doing when it came to Puja by now. So when J. said he found a new puja shop that did flowers too, I was like let's do this!

I didn't know that it was a video store too which threw me off a little (my "usual" place was a kitchen supply store as well which for some reason went together better in my head) and they were snipping and sewing flowers at the speed of life. I stole a glance to their puja wall, sure I could just grab a few things, buy them and then get out as soon as possible.

Shopkeeper's teenaged son (Appears to think: Maybe she wants to rent Freaky Friday or she's lost): Can I help you?

Me (Utter panic sets in when I realized that I recognized nothing): Um, I. I . . .need . . .a clay pot. For a ghee lamp.

STS (confused): A clay pot?

Shopkeeper (steps in to help her son) (briskly): Can I help you?

Me (a little desperate as I can see that my communication skills are going to be a problem here in addition to a terminology issues): Y-yes. I need a ghee lamp.

SK: Oh! Give her the ghee lamp!

STS (hands me something that doesn't look like any ghee lamp I've ever used)

Me: Um, I've never used a lamp like that. How does it work?

(SK shows me how to use the wick with the lamp and essentially appears to tell STS not to complicate things for me when he starts to say something about a five star wick)
(I realize I have become their not-too-bright puppy - adorable, I do cute amusing things, they want to help me because I clearly can't help myself but clearly needs strong supervision)

Me: I also need an offering bowl?

STS (Hands me something completely unfamiliar)

Me: Um, for food?

SK: Oh that's for camphor! STS! Give her a plate!

Me: I'm sorry, I'm just starting out (UGH! For like six years! How can it be that I still apparently know nothing!). I need a bell.

STS: (Gives me a bell)

SK (kindly): Who is this all for?

Me (oh Jesus - wait, wrong pantheon): For Parvati?

SK: Who?

Me (desperately): Parvati?

SK: Gauri?

Me: . . .yes? Um, the Holy Family - Shiva, Parvati, Ganesha, Kartikeya? (sort of points to the picture of them)

SK (pleased): Oh it's good that you are getting to know God! Okay. You need this bowl for milk --

Me: Just for milk?

SK (sternly): Only for milk! The offering for camphor which is right after the ghee lamp. (despite some communication issues this part is v. clear) ONLY LIGHT A LITTLE. ONLY HALF A TABLET AT MOST OR YOU WILL LIGHT YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE! DO NOT DO THAT!

Me: Alrighty. Um, what flowers would be appropriate for them?

SK: How big is your idol?

Me (oh god) (Makes a small gesture)

SK (giggles) (busily makes a tiny gorgeous jasmine flower garland and puts in big cheerful yellow mums to offer as well while she bustles to STS to the puja wall and makes sure that all my offering bowls and such are an appropriately small size) (rings me up) Here's my card. (writes down her phone number) Call me if you need anything!

I leave in a daze. I spent more than I wanted (but not more than I could afford. I *highly* doubt that was a coincidence) to but honestly? We work *a lot* with the Holy Family and they deserve a nice puja set. But I was used to a *super* tiny set so I had to figure out how this would work. Despite having our altar set up for less than a year, we're already bursting at the seams (there's way more stuff on it now). I eventually came to the conclusion that I should store all the puja stuff in a ziplock bag (I have become militant about that - whenever "like" magical supplies can be stored in a ziplock, I do so. It helps soooo much) and store it under the altar and when it's puja time, we can do that on the dining room table or kitchen counter.

After Jow stopped laughing at my story (and I was sure to point out that he owed me big time because I go through all the awkward stuff generally in the name of our magical projects and he gets to reap the rewards), he had a moment of "OMGs, we are doing this rong! How will we puja!" And then I got to laugh at him. I'm not sure that our puja format is perfect (I'm a'guessin' it's not) but I think it's close enough at least. As far as I can tell from my previous puja instruction (from various sources) and recent puja instruction, the basic puja layout for the Holy Family should go like this: (and if anyone knows better, please pipe up. I'm not proud)
Ring bell
Eight Directions
Honor Ganesha
Honor Agni
Ohm for the Holy Family
Offering of Camphor
Offering of Incense
Offering of flowers
Offering of milk
Offering of food
Praise
Kumkum
Thank Ganesha, Agni and Holy Family
Eight Directions
Ring bell


As much as this outing felt like sticking my face in a blender, it was really good for me because it reminds me that I really sort of know nothing, despite some diligent effort on my part. I have a big gorgeous Hindu temple near me that has an online site which includes directions on how to go to the temple so that's my next step, along with doing puja regularly again (we've never done full puja here in the new house, the Holy Family's puja supplies mysteriously went missing in the move). I wish the temple did a Hindu 101 but they only do that for children. Maybe on a festival day? But I'm sure if there's one to be found I will find it.

This also brings me to (again, despite some diligent effort on my part) I know nothing about Shamanism and I want to read more and go to some powwows and maybe figure out how to finagle going to a sweat lodge again at Free Spirit (I would need to put plastic retainers in my piercings which is a huge pain in the ass but . . .I think it would be worth it) next year.

My goals with Hinduism/Shamanism/Hoodoo/Voudon is to become an educated layperson who can perform basic layperson functions.

Somewhat unrelatedly, Mrs. B is partly to "blame" for all these revelations because I was inspired by her entry to start offering my gods first bits of dinner and start a hearth light so that was also part of what I was shopping for. ;)

Eat, Pray, Love and My Quest for Meditation

EPL is a very all or nothing sort of situation. As they used to say, you're either on the bus or off the bus, it's a very all or nothing polarizing sort of book. Some people love it with all their little hearts and others hate it with the firey burning of a thousand suns. Now, lest you think I am uninformed, remember, I'm a Women's Studies grad/dork so believe me, you're not going to really rock my world with cries of ZOMG! Privledge! I know, I got the memo, I get it, I agree. . .sort of [soapbox] look, she got paid as a writer to go on her globetrot to self improvement, I don't know that that's privilege so much as the paid writer's wet dream, I get that she's a white American woman with privilege but, that's my life too. It is what it is, people's stories shouldn't be suppressed due to their race, class, gender, religion, whatever, period. I get that it's easier for privileged people's stories to be told and I support the fight to even the playing field [/soapbox] but at the same time it doesn't stop EPL from having profoundly affected me in personal and life changing ways.

Anyway. The first time I read it, I was still smarting from my own divorce so I really related to the anguish, angst and general feeling of being lost. I really got what she said when she said, The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I too had my share of 2a bathroom sobbing and distressed conversations with god/dess/es. She gave me permission to figure out wtf I was doing with my life and her trip to India inspired me to really start my japa practice and start a regular personal practice in my life.

I'm re-reading it now and I just got paid for the privilege by AOL in the form of being paid to write a short summary for it for the honestly truly luxurious price of .10 a word (which is a lot for those of you who don't write for a living, bottom of the barrel writing pays less than a penny a word, on average I make about .07 a word which isn't bad) which will be out soonish. Now that I'm not a mess from the divorce/house buying process, I'm taking different things from it. Firstly, I love the Italy part, the idea of going to a country and speaking the language and just really enjoying the food, that's my jam. I would like to get to do that with France at some point. It gels very well with my efforts to enjoy food fully and to be present in the eating experience (which is a challenge for me) and for me I take it a step further and try to be mindful in my eating in terms of feeling how my body feels about it . . .which I suppose is a meditation in and of itself.

But it's her struggles with meditation that really resonate with me. It's really hard for me to sit with all of those anxious, crappy feelings and to really be present in those moments. I'd really rather jam some food down my throat, not get dressed and eat a metric ton of crap, thank you. But I'm trying to move away from that, as much as I can (and it's pretty uphill). I'm afraid to meditate completely solo at this point, there's too much stuff there that I don't feel comfortable exploring completely unsupervised. My methods by Buddhist standards would likely be considered "cheating" as one is supposed to stick your whole face into the experience without crutches. Luckily, I'm not a Buddhist and not interested in getting a rainbow body.

Deb's Method of Meditation:

1. Keep it short. This is not an endurance test, you're not getting graded, champ.

2. Put on sound machine, which is set to ocean.

3. Get in bed at bedtime in pjs. This is the time of day where my hamsters/monkey mind are going buckwild so it's when I need it most.

4. Do japa practice (which is technically meditation anyway)

5. Close eyes. Go to my night time beach in my head. Sit down next to my totem guide (who is in person form), Crow. Watch the waves for a minute, see Yemaya in the distance. Put head on Crow's shoulder.

6. Start counting breaths. Only go to ten and then start over. It's harder than it sounds for a spaz like me. Try to let thoughts drift naturally and not judge them. Likely fail at that part and start to get torqued. Crow will offer gentle guidance* or gently bring me back to breath counting.

7. Do until sleep.

8. Sleep.

Fin.

* Crow is not a gentle spirit totem per se but generally if I'm getting "schooled" it's more like: Him: Don't do that dumb thing. Me: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I'M DOING THAT DUMB THING! . . .oh shit, things are not going well. Halp! Halp! I will stop doing that dumb thing! Him: I told you so.

My Hearth Goddess: Parvati

Mrs. B just posted about working with Hestia on her blog, so I thought I'd discuss my relationship with my Hearth Goddess, Parvati.

I didn't instantly know I wanted to work with her, it was more like a long parade of failed dates with other hearth goddesses. A lot of my grove is totes into Bridget and I like her okay and all, but . . .we just never connected well. Sure we'd make polite conversation but that was about it. Frigga? Me and Norse do not gel well together and at the risk of offending readers, many of the people I know have not been treated kindly by the Norse pantheon and . . .I am not really a maschochist, I don't need you to hurt me to prove that you love me. Hestia? Well, closer, I'm more on the Greek (and later Hindu) side of the Indo-European pantheons but . . . she's v. no frills and not in a romantic relationship. Lakshmi? Closer as well due to pantheon, in a relationship but has Miss Martha standards I could not ever hope to fulfill.

My relationship with Parvati really started when Jow and I were invoking them for a Beltane a few years ago and the more I read about her the more I liked her and the more I started working with her, the more I liked her. Also, where Jow and I were in our relationship was similiar to how theirs seemed to work which really made it resonate.

From an old journal entry of mine on the matter:
Funnily, yesterday I got hit over the head with the Parvati stick. It started out as I was doing some research about her in her relationship with Shiva and it was just really resonating with me. I had long since longed to have a kitchen witch patron, none of the hearth goddesses I knew about (Hestia, Frigga, Bridget, etc.) ever really resonated with me which was a complete bummer since so much of what I do is housewifery, so you can imagine how excited I was to learn that there is a Divine Housewife!

I spent a lot of yesterday mangling processing things through my tiny human brain. Like her story about eating only wet leaves until Shiva noticed her. My initial kneejerk reaction was a dismayed, Really Parvati? All that? Over a boy god? But then I started thinking about how hardcore it was that she was so determined to get what she wanted she wasn't going to let anybody stop her. And well I tend to be similarly bent when I get determined about something and for a woman to be determined to make her own fate, that's pretty awesome to me.

The next hurdle I had to consider was that even after she went through all that, he still tested her some more. And I was like, that's crap! And then I thought, well . . .when Mr. Gray did it to Leigh in Secretary (. . .look, I told you that this would be a mangled process), I totally cosigned on that! Even when I was watching it with other kinked people who were all, that's a bit much. I thought to myself, not really . . .So if I think about it like that, it makes sense to me.

And then I started think about their marriage and how much I dig it. I have always been a proponent of having one's own life, and there's nothing like having eons without someone to make sure you're taking care of your own shit. And when you get back together . . .:: swoony sigh:: For this aspect, I thought a lot about my relationship with J. And Parvati sometimes gets aggravated with Shiva so again, click.


******

Reasons to Like Parvati:

1. She has realistic expectations of how neat one's house can be when you are living with a cremation grounds spouse who brings home his cremation ground friends and you have kids.

2. She is super super determined. If she wants something to happen, it's going to happen. What? You don't love me? That's cool. I'ma sit here UNTIL I MAKE YOU WITH MY SHEER FORCE OF WILL.

3. She is v. kind and v. nice about whatever efforts you make to do nice things for her.

4. She has her own life and her own shit to do.

5. She is not a surrendered housewife. She is not afraid to start shit with Shiva or yell back.

6. She enjoys sex! And a happy marriage! And motherhood!

7. Shiva's main thing is "being", her main thing is "doing". She is definitely inspiring to get your ass in gear to do.

***

If you would like to start honoring Parvati in your life, puja is the best way to do that.

A v. basic puja requires:

* a v. small clay bowl
* A picture of Parvati
* Kumkum powder
* Ghee
* A bell
* Sweets
* Cotton wicks
* Incense

1. Starting facing the picture of Parvati, turn in a circle clockwise, clapping your hands eight times for the eight directions.

2. Ring bell.

3. Thank Ganesha for being awesome (he always comes first).

4. Soak your wick in some ghee in the clay bowl. When lighting it, thank Agni for being fire and acting as the gate keeper.

5. Tell Parvati about the sweets and incense you got her. Tell her how awesome she is. Tell her why you want to work with her. Ask for her help, etc. Make sure to light the incense.

6. Put some kumkum powder on the picture (on her head and feet) and then take a little off the picture and put it in your hair.

7. Thank Ganesha for his presence. Thank Agni for his presence. Thank Parvati for her presence.

7. Ring the bell.

8. Clap your hands in a circle clockwise in all eight directions.

9. SUPER IMPORTANT!!! You *MUST* eat some of the food you gave them or they will think you gave them crappy food. If you give flowers, some flowers must be given to others, etc.

Recipe Mondays: 30 Minute Puja Dinner

Predictably, Monday has rolled around and my exact thought is: Monday . . .fuuuuuuuuuuck . . .recipes . . .fuuuuuuuuuuck. My brain is barely working from Samhain, I'm tired, it's cold. So guess what you're eating? What I'm eating tonight. The first thing to note is that if you want to make Indian food using stuff you can easily get at a grocery store and quickly without much recipe research, you're basically making Olive Garden for the gods. If your gods love you, this will not be a problem. It's double not a problem if you work with Shiva (who generally hangs out in grave yards so He's a little more chillaxed about this stuff) and Parvati (who, if you have a relationship with Her, will be too kind and polite to say anything about your shitty cooking. She has two sons, She knows how to put on Her Mom face and say, awww! You sure did try!). I've noticed that They prefer my shitty Indian cooking over my good Italian cooking because I think at least it's more familiar to them.

Work on making this recipe together with your significant other and then offer it to Shiva and Parvati. Jow is an excellent sous chef and is v. good about taking my lead in the kitchen. I'm a v. shitty sous chef, I don't chop well and I don't take instruction in the kitchen well, but I'm good at coming up with recipes and leading the cooking. As a result, we work v. well together there and our food is ready quickly.

If you want to do a super quick puja (again, I recommend this only if you're doing other stuff with Them too as this is really ghettotastic):

* Tell Ganesha he is a benevolent elephant and he's awesome
* Light a tealight and thank Agni for the fire
* Ring a bell
* Put a tiny ramekin sized bit of food for Them on your altar
* Talk up the food like a waitress (I've said for a while that that's what I want my magical title to be, Divine Waitress)
* Tell Them how awesome both of Them are
* Ask for Them to help you have a good relationship with your significant other (and again, that's only if you work with Them and trust Them in this compacity. I do, They've been good to Jow and I)
* Ring bell again
* Eat dinner


Chicken Lentil Curry: Lazy American Style

Ingredients

1 can or box of lentil soup
2 chicken thighs, cut into pieces. Leave the skin on or take it off, it's your business
2 small onions, chopped
2 teaspoons ghee or butter
2 tablespoons curry (or to taste)
1 tablespoon garam masala
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon tumeric
1 pouch instant rice (take it out of the pouch to put into the soup)

Put butter into the pot and melt it on medium heat. Put the onions and chicken in and brown. Add in the the rest of the ingredients. Let cook for approximately 20 minutes.

Fin!

Panic, Meditation, and the Dilettante

Many parties on my blogosphere talk about how meditation is the cornerstone of their practice. And I really respect that, but it's not the cornerstone of mine. And at first I felt like a complete dilettante about that. What? Sit quietly for an hour? What kind of girl do you think I am? I don't *do* that!

It's not that I haven't tried. I have, meditation was part of my ADF druid dedicant program. The issue, the real issue, that took me years to get to the heart of is that I can't do traditional meditation because of my panic disorder.

I've done what I'm supposed to do, I've sat on the couch, I take meds (delicious, delicious meds! O how I love thee!), I've found god(dess)(es), I've come to terms with the things that caused that in me. But here's the thing, it doesn't go away. Some people think that's what therapy/meds is supposed to. Congratulations! You're healed of years of abuse, bad relationships, bad decisions, and living with a debilitating condition! Go! Be free! Live a normal life!

It would be kick ass if it *did* work that way, but it doesn't. I get better at living with it, at managing it, so much so that people who've only known me as an adult (especially past the age of 25) forget how damaged I am, which is flattering. But it's still there. And real, true, emptying my mind meditation triggers a panic attack in me every time. I don't know all the hows and the whys, but I do know some, just like I know some of why going to the movies at a theater does the same and drinking caffeine. At the end of the day, this isn't something you can always logic your way out of. Your body is reacting in a real, visceral, primal way and it doesn't care if you say, "Oh no body! We're not *really* in danger! It's fine, really." Because often, your body's response is, "OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" until it's done.

Some magic users have gone so far as to say they didn't think you could be an effective magic user without meditation. I've asked what should I do due to my body's chemical reaction (also? Fibro? Not the greatest for long term meditation) and no one had any kind of answer for me. This was devastating to me. I wanted to be a real live girl and no blue fairy had any sort of answer for me as to how to get past this.

So for a while I gave up. That's right, I gave the fuck up. It was exhausting enough trying to lead a "normal" life, if I couldn't ever do this, well it's unlikely I'll ever run a marathon either or be president.

I don't have the answers for everyone, I can only speak for myself. But I don't think really many people have talked about what to do if you have a disability(ies) that prevent you from having a full, rich meditiational life. So, let me tell you what I've found for myself.

How to be Magically Delicious Without Emptying Your Mind Meditation


Why can't you meditate? If you don't know why, really know why, you're not going to be able to figure out the actual heart of your magical practice so do some serious soul searching to figure out why. Even if your reason is "I don't want to", go deeper than than and think about why you don't want to.

Redefine meditation for yourself. My japa practice has been something I've done every night without fail since late December. It gives me the benefits that meditation is supposed to give people - relaxing, focusing, clearing my mind, etc. My brain/body can handle a full 108 every night and it's really helped my personal practice. Guided meditation such as the IPM and visiting my own internal hearth can really be helpful for me. When I am not strong enough to clean my actual hearth, cleaning my internal hearth really helps keep me sane, I can also visit with my god/desses there. Other things that help me: cooking, cleaning, baking bread. Don't discount those practices, they can really help you develop your magical practice if you treat them as meditational practice.

What is it you're trying to accomplish with magic? I have to be blunt, I'm not looking to talk to angels. I'm not looking to call in any kind of super serious spirit that needs to be confiiiiiiiiiined by my dark aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts! I like having an occasional meditation chat with my god/desses, I like trying to build a better me on my path - to be faster, stronger, sexxxier. For me that really equates to: having a magical practice to call my own, having enough money to pay my bills and occasionally travel and buy a ridiculous purse, get in better shape, writing, and crafting. All of this can be accomplished with low magic. So if I personally don't need or really even want anything that can be accomplished with higher magic, why do I keep torturing myself? It's ridiculous. I personally have yet to go into any situation that could not be solved with mundane means or low magic. It could happen, but . . .it hasn't. So why am I preparing for some kind of magical apocalypse if I don't need to? For me, it has been far more beneficial for me to stop torturing myself about things I wasn't trying to accomplish in my practice anyway and get better honing my practice to accomplish the things I *am* trying to accomplish, none of which require a huge meditational practice.

If what you are trying to accomplish does require it, it's going to be a difficult path so make sure it's worth it to you. You may want to start looking up Rinpoches who have experience with disability and meditations.

You still need a cornerstone in your practice. If meditation isn't your cornerstone, what is? Really stop and think about it. My cornerstone is my hearth. My magic happens in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom (if you know what I'm sayin!), using household tools. It's my chantry, my sanctuary, my safe space, my temple. So I need to focus on making sure my hearth is in order, which is where the majority of my magical practice lies with offerings being a second and spellwork being a third.

Catholicism, Hinduism, and my Inner Ferengi

111) Never sleep with the boss' wife unless you pay him first.
112) Never sleep with the boss' sister.
113) Always sleep with the boss. - The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

Jow thinks I'm secretly a Ferengi. Dark secret, I'm closet geek. The Star Trek thing, I have my mother to blame. Jow likes to sometimes try to coax out how deep I am into the dork forest by making seemingly innocuous statements about various parts of the various series which *always* forces my hand in my frothing retorts to show what a complete geek I am.

Now, okay, granted it took a while for women's right to really kick in there, but it happened. The Ferengi never got involved in slavery or other imperialistic bullshit which does suit my Damn the Man sensibilities but they were always there to make a profit regardless of whatever crap everyone else was fighting about, which I also appreciate. The Ferengi are totes the corner coffeehouse to the Alliance's Starbucks (and that's all you're getting!).

I'm an industrious little squirrel. I always have been. I like busting my ass towards a goal, I like getting shit done, and I like making money.

Now, bear with me. Flashback! I was Catholic, dutifully praying constantly for whatever it was I wanted in the moment, a pony, the love of Scott Reiner. I rosary'ed like a champ, I went to confession on the regular without playing the how long can I make the priest take to listen to me before he's forced to take out the Bible game my sister favored, I went to church, I did what I was supposed to do like a good worker bee. I liked the ritual, the structure of how prayer worked in Catholicism, but I disliked that the output was so capricious, at least in my experience. Constant prayer + the desperate desire for the love of S.R. = canoli afterwards? That can't be right!

So blahblahblah why can't I be a female deacon/personal general liberal agenda/general unsuccessfulness of personal prayer/need to irritate my mother, and here I am Pagan.

Except. . . I totes need structure personally. I wasn't too successful in coming up with my own structure, and man, the idea of doing a full ADF ritual or Wiccan circle just to get some prayer done is enough to make me want to give up all my shoes.

Which eventually brought me to the Hindu pantheon in a pagan context. The way I was taught it was as follows:

1. There are mantra you need to be given by teachers, but the basic "seed" mantra is for everyone. I know not everyone agrees with this, but my general feeling is the seed mantra is like calling your deity on the phone, there's only so much you can screw up unless you're actively trying to. Learn the pronunciation of the seed mala, learn the general protocol associated with the deity, and hey don't "call" a deity who is either easily offended or likely to be offended by you particularly if you don't entirely know what you're doing. I don't "call" Lakshmi because she would take one look at my house and look at me and say, "Ugh. Seriously?"

2. How to do puja. I dig puja, it's an (often) mini ritual that can be as simple or as elaborate as you would like and it involves a bell.

3. The stories, of Shiva's family especially. They just really resonate with me, they seemed a lot more like something I could relate to. Joseph and Mary according to Catholicism just had baby Jesus . . .immaculately and . . .fin. There's nothing wrong with that, and celibacy is sacred too but it's not my path. Shiva and Parvati's story of a blended family, fighting and making love is a lot closer to what I can relate to.

4. How to mala. This is where things *really* started to click for me. Mala was explained to me as a banking account, which appealed to my inner Ferengi and the rosary and mala are very similar which made the transition easy for me.

So, mala as a bank account made a lot of sense to me. Every time you complete a mala, you get to put a few pennies into your bank account. If you do enough malas, every boy, every boy in the whole world can be yours! Okay, that would take a lot of time, effort, energy, and austerities. But! Parvati totally got her man that way. Shiva didn't want to pay her no mind and she was all, that's cool. I WILL JUST MAKE YOU LOVE ME WITH THE STRENGTH OF MY DEVOTIONS TO YOU. And I appreciate that level of drive and motivation.

After reading Eat, Love, Pray, I realized my life was missing a nightly devotion. I had hesitated about any kind of nightly practice doing anything because I generally don't remember to even water house plants, but it felt like it was time. Except . . .I was in the hole to Durga for quite a few malas I never said to her that I said I would say for bringing B. back home safe from Iraq. So like a proper Ferengi, I decided to do the math to figure out *how* many I owed her and when I would be finished being indebted to her. While indebted, I would endevour not to ask Her for anything, past being grateful that she held up her side of the bargan even if I was lazy/sketchy at best at following up in a timely fashion with my side.

So after Christmas, but before New Years, I started my practice with a rotation between Durga, Shiva, and eventually Parvati when I finally found her seed ohm, heavy on the Durga side. Right before Beltane, I finished my debt to her and it felt really good. Even though I've said a total of around 140 malas, I haven't yet asked for very much, at least not for myself. Shiva is known especially for granting requests as long as the work has been done, which is handy. But it feels a lot more cause and effect than saying rosaries did for me. And should I ever decide that I *really* want that pony (which Jow would probably prefer to live with instead of SR who moved away when I was thirteen, so who knows what he became. Meth lab head? Stock broker? Househusband? Doctor?), I feel like I could get one which appeals to my squirrel Ferengi brain.

So far, I've gotten help with a tooth ache, a blister, a v. nice Beltane, got my friend G. knocked up (by her request! She and her husband were trying for their second), and so far M.'s husband E. has been doing okay with chemo. It's powerful stuff!