Eat, Pray, Love and My Quest for Meditation

EPL is a very all or nothing sort of situation. As they used to say, you're either on the bus or off the bus, it's a very all or nothing polarizing sort of book. Some people love it with all their little hearts and others hate it with the firey burning of a thousand suns. Now, lest you think I am uninformed, remember, I'm a Women's Studies grad/dork so believe me, you're not going to really rock my world with cries of ZOMG! Privledge! I know, I got the memo, I get it, I agree. . .sort of [soapbox] look, she got paid as a writer to go on her globetrot to self improvement, I don't know that that's privilege so much as the paid writer's wet dream, I get that she's a white American woman with privilege but, that's my life too. It is what it is, people's stories shouldn't be suppressed due to their race, class, gender, religion, whatever, period. I get that it's easier for privileged people's stories to be told and I support the fight to even the playing field [/soapbox] but at the same time it doesn't stop EPL from having profoundly affected me in personal and life changing ways.

Anyway. The first time I read it, I was still smarting from my own divorce so I really related to the anguish, angst and general feeling of being lost. I really got what she said when she said, The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I too had my share of 2a bathroom sobbing and distressed conversations with god/dess/es. She gave me permission to figure out wtf I was doing with my life and her trip to India inspired me to really start my japa practice and start a regular personal practice in my life.

I'm re-reading it now and I just got paid for the privilege by AOL in the form of being paid to write a short summary for it for the honestly truly luxurious price of .10 a word (which is a lot for those of you who don't write for a living, bottom of the barrel writing pays less than a penny a word, on average I make about .07 a word which isn't bad) which will be out soonish. Now that I'm not a mess from the divorce/house buying process, I'm taking different things from it. Firstly, I love the Italy part, the idea of going to a country and speaking the language and just really enjoying the food, that's my jam. I would like to get to do that with France at some point. It gels very well with my efforts to enjoy food fully and to be present in the eating experience (which is a challenge for me) and for me I take it a step further and try to be mindful in my eating in terms of feeling how my body feels about it . . .which I suppose is a meditation in and of itself.

But it's her struggles with meditation that really resonate with me. It's really hard for me to sit with all of those anxious, crappy feelings and to really be present in those moments. I'd really rather jam some food down my throat, not get dressed and eat a metric ton of crap, thank you. But I'm trying to move away from that, as much as I can (and it's pretty uphill). I'm afraid to meditate completely solo at this point, there's too much stuff there that I don't feel comfortable exploring completely unsupervised. My methods by Buddhist standards would likely be considered "cheating" as one is supposed to stick your whole face into the experience without crutches. Luckily, I'm not a Buddhist and not interested in getting a rainbow body.

Deb's Method of Meditation:

1. Keep it short. This is not an endurance test, you're not getting graded, champ.

2. Put on sound machine, which is set to ocean.

3. Get in bed at bedtime in pjs. This is the time of day where my hamsters/monkey mind are going buckwild so it's when I need it most.

4. Do japa practice (which is technically meditation anyway)

5. Close eyes. Go to my night time beach in my head. Sit down next to my totem guide (who is in person form), Crow. Watch the waves for a minute, see Yemaya in the distance. Put head on Crow's shoulder.

6. Start counting breaths. Only go to ten and then start over. It's harder than it sounds for a spaz like me. Try to let thoughts drift naturally and not judge them. Likely fail at that part and start to get torqued. Crow will offer gentle guidance* or gently bring me back to breath counting.

7. Do until sleep.

8. Sleep.

Fin.

* Crow is not a gentle spirit totem per se but generally if I'm getting "schooled" it's more like: Him: Don't do that dumb thing. Me: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I'M DOING THAT DUMB THING! . . .oh shit, things are not going well. Halp! Halp! I will stop doing that dumb thing! Him: I told you so.

Into the Dark

I think everyone wants answers through their spirituality for the bigger questions. Why are we here? How do we know the gods exist? Do we have souls? What happens after we die?

With larger, more unified faiths, there's usually a pat answer (except for Judaism as far as I know). Heaven. Reincarnation. These religions also tend to have clergy where one of their jobs is to give you answers to these questions.

While Pagans have clergy, we don't have a unified lengthy training program. Many of our clergy need to have day jobs to support themselves, which is a different topic in and of itself, and many Pagan clergy members don't set themselves above their fellow Pagans.

So we ask each other. And some of us answer with confidence from the work we've done, the spirits who speak to us, the austerities we accomplish. We ponder and sometimes fight with each other about fine points of practices and faith here on the blogosphere to try to find answers.

As many of you know, I like order and routine. So I put together a neat little package of answers to my questions so I can get out of bed every morning and most days that's enough.

But should I ever be considered to be in a position of authority, I don't want my neat packet of answers to be mistaken for deep, unshakable faith. Because, I don't have that. I did, as a child and teenager in Catholicism, but somewhere along my dad's long, painful drawn out death, I needed more answers. As a mad girl scientist, I immediately thought, books! I took classes in college on the Old Testament, Western Religion, searching, searching and still coming up shaken. I became a Dianic Wiccan shortly after I attended a circle as part of my class assignment (to attend a service for a faith other than mine).

For those of you who have ever seen it, Scrubs is generally a comedy about working in a hospital told through the eyes of JD. But once in a while, they have a serious episode and that's when it's a cascade of tears for me. "My Last Words" is about a man dying who has a lot of questions and no sure faith in anything in particular. JD and his friend Turk start out with platitudes and other reassuring things, but end with, I don't know. We have to fight death every day and we don't know and it's terrifying. And . . .that's how I feel. As a Crowgirl who has attended far more funerals than weddings, I still don't have any answers. In the episode, they use a song by one of my favorite bands, Deathcab for Cutie called, "I Will Follow You into the Dark" which really sums up my feelings on the whole matter.

I don't have answers. Death scares me. But, the lyrics of the song sum up how I feel.

The last bit of the episode. Deathcab's alternative video using a picture book with rabbits. Amanda Palmer's cover.

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of the spark

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me "Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down, the time for sleep is now
But it's nothing to cry about 'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
And I'll follow you into the dark.

Etiquette Lesson: How to Conduct Yourself When Someone Dies

When someone v. close to you dies, it's relatively easy to know what to do - be a hot mess and go through the motions of putting together whatever kind of funeral rite the person would like to have. When you're not immediately tied however (immediate family, best friend, etc.), I have noticed a lot of times, this is when shit falls apart.

I think a big part of this problem is that the first world is v. shielded from death. I know people in my age group (30 something) who *still* haven't lost someone close to them besides perhaps a grandparent (and old age makes it somewhat more expected, though no less grief intensive) and . . .I can't relate to that at all, honestly. My first memory is at age six losing my grandma and seeing my dad cry for the first time (quelle surprise I'd be picked up by M. Corbeau). I lost my dad at 18 through a very long, painful battle with cancer (We were both struck silent/ me from the grief/ him from the throat cancer) and the hit parade sort of goes on from there. I've been to significantly more funerals than weddings, the piece de la resistance being my engagement year where I put seven people in the ground, the last being my cousin Anthony a week before the wedding. He was only five years older than me, his widow was my age.

So, having a vast array of funeral rites in every stripe and color that I've attended, I've had plenty of time to be appalled by my generation and the generation after me. Less strict parenting has led to some teens thinking it's okay to do anything from read, text, have a toothpick in their mouths, pants that reveal one's boxers, be overly boisterous, etc., etc. (oh yes, this has all happened in my family. There was a lot of talking through my teeth to them and reminding them that x family member may seem old to them, but s/he was my generation's mom/dad/etc. We're Italian, in my family it's always appropriate to step in if the parents are otherwise occupied and you're the closest elder).

If you've had the fortune to not have to go to many wakes, funerals, memorial services, etc., that's a blessing. But it may make you unsure what to do in that setting when you do need to go. If it's only been people you've not been close to, you likely know to slap on a suit, shut off your cell, pay your respects and then go about your business. But it can get stickier if it's someone closer to you, or if it's someone close to someone close to you (best friend's parent, boss' spouse, etc.).

Tips on How to be a Standup Person During the Grieving Process:

It is always the right thing to do to send a sympathy card. It doesn't matter if you were fighting with the person who passed or their loved ones or if you're not sure how close you are to the deceased or the grieving. It's very hard to offend someone by sending a sympathy card.

Pick a card with an appropriate sentiment. This might sound confusing, but if you aren't close to the bereaved or the deceased, a more generic card is appropriate. If you were close to the deceased or the bereaved, you may want to pick a card with a more personal sympathy sentiment. If you're not sure what to say, it is always appropriate to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I am thinking about you and your family in this difficult time." Grieving people are preoccupied with their grief, they're not grading you on your creativity. Don't over think it, just send the card. They probably won't remember what was said, just that you were kind enough to think of them in their difficult time.

Inquire with the family about the arrangements. If they say it is a very small service for close family and friends, don't be offended. Everyone grieves differently. Inquire if the family is receiving donations to the deceased's favorite charity, mass cards (if Catholic), or flowers. If yes, then find out the funeral home's information so that you may do so. If no, simply send a card to the family, as outlined previously.

Generally, there is some sort of wake, shiva, or calling hours for people who want to pay their respects to the family or the deceased. If you do not consider yourself very close to the family or the deceased, but still would like to pay your respects (and your respects are welcomed by the bereaved), you would attend the most public part of the funeral rites. For example, the wake but not the funeral, the shiva but not the funeral, the memorial service but not the funeral, etc. Generally the funeral is the most private part of the rites and it's typically by invitation only.

It is very important that you are dressed properly for this. Many times, the death of someone comes as a surprise which is why it may be helpful to have an outfit for death rites that is always ready to go. Dress in a dark color and make sure all of the lines of your outfit are conservative. Women, no cleavage, knee length if wearing a skirt. Men, no white socks, no "fun" ties. Suits for both genders are always appropriate. I personally always have a long black skirt, an appropriate neckline black short sleeved top, and a black wool cardigan with pearl buttons. I always wear this for death rites only (I find that it helps me to not have the jhor/death energy on my other clothes, but that's a personal choice. I also don't like having psychological associations with death on my other clothes), I dry clean it/hang it up immediately after and don't touch it unless I need it. It's always appropriate year round and it's one less thing for me to stress about.

Keep yourself grounded. It may be helpful for you to have a hematite stone or a small pouch of salt on your person. A family piece of jewelry can also do the same thing for you. It's okay for you to be sad, feel grief, etc. too! The tricky part is managing your own grief while still assisting the grieving family. Processing your grief with someone else prior to the wake may help. Doing something you find comforting after the wake may help too. Personally, what keeps me somewhat sane is going out the night before, drinking two or three martinis, having a big piece of red meat, and smoking a few cigarettes. All the things that could kill me bring me a strange sort of peace in dealing with death.

If it is a religious rite, do a quick search on what is typical for that religion so you know how to act appropriately. Follow the lead of the bereaved at the rite is the best course of action. Some families prefer quiet and some prefer to be more boisterous to remember the deceased. Again, everyone grieves differently. Obviously, this is not the place to try to impose your personal religious views on others. If you don't feel comfortable participating in any of the religious rites going on, just sit quietly. If you want to say a little prayer in your head in your home religion, feel free.

If you are close to the bereaved family or to the deceased and you decide to attend the burial, follow the instructions of the funeral director for the procession. Find out beforehand if the cemetery is far from where the wake/memorial service/etc. was held. Make sure you have enough gas beforehand and that you've used the restroom so that you can follow the procession without needing to stop elsewhere. Get directions too just in case.

Help the living. This is probably the hardest step. Often, if we ourselves are somewhat removed from the grieving process (if it was an acquaintance, or a loved one's deceased we didn't know v. well, etc.), once we work through our own process (which will be faster than the bereaved's), many of us want to go on with the business of living. For the bereaved, just because it's been a month or two doesn't mean that their worlds still aren't shattered. This is where being helpful is critical. The transition back to daily life after the acute grieving stage is very difficult. The modern world expects people to go back to "normal" after a few weeks - working, taking care of the house, paying bills, taking care of themselves and their children (if applicable), etc. If you are nearby, ask if they need any help running errands, if you can do their dishes or walk their dog, or if they need someone to talk to. Look at pictures and photo album of the deceased with the bereaved (*if* the bereaved wants to), offer to help pack up the decease's personal items and help figure out what can be kept and what can be donated. Take the bereaved to do something fun but low key - mini golf, dinner out, for a drink, etc. If the person seems receptive, talk about your life (but keep petty grievences about the bereaved or the bereaved's family to your damn self), talk about the book you're reading, celeb scandal, whatever. A lot of times they want a distraction. But you need to judge this carefully to see if the person wants a distraction or wants to talk about their grief or the deceased. Just being present helps a whole lot, even if you don't know what to say. Ask if it's okay to drop off a casserole. Many people make food for the grieving in the first week or two, but many people aren't ready to make dinner every night for themselves in the first month or two. Dropping off a casserole three weeks after the deceased passed can be really helpful. If you're far away, you may want to consider having a food service deliver to the grieving family. I personally use this one (US based) when I need to send food.

Most of all, don't be an asshole.
This list includes:
* Having your cellphone on at the wake/funeral/etc and/or texting
* Trying to pick up any of the bereaved
* Being overly self absorbed during this difficult time (admittedly, this is another tricky one, especially if you're part of the bereaved's primary support structure. It's a delicate imperfect process, but it's okay to draw boundaries so your life doesn't completely fall to shit in the process too, it's okay to vent to close friends or family about the bereaved when you are stressed and upset, it's okay to take care of yourself. You need to or you're no good for anyone, yourself included. See here for articles on caregiver stress and here for an article on caregiver burnout)
* Chewing gum, having a toothpick in your mouth, being inappropriately dressed
* Appearing bored at the wake including asking people "what are we doing after this".
* Starting fights of any kind with any of the bereaved
* Calling undue attention to yourself, including starting "pity party" wars (it was worse when MY dad died)
* Not calling or showing up or sending a card
* Not following up with the bereaved with at least a text/email/phone call
* Any behavior you even *think* for a second would be questionable and/or you wouldn't want someone to do when *you* are the bereaved, don't do it.


Fail-Safe Vegetarian-Friendly Super-Fast Barely-Homemade Ziti
The death happened v. quickly or unexpectedly? Need to be part of the first rush casserole brigade? Don't know what the bereaved's family eats? Need to get a casserole done in a hurry and on a tight budget? Ziti is the thing. Again, you're not being graded on your creativity here, the bereaved is barely going to remember to eat let alone what they ate. Unless the bereaved is vegan, Celiac, or has a tomato allergy, this is the thing.

1 box ziti pasta
1 jar tomato sauce (I prefer Francesca Rinaldi's Sweet & Tasty)
16 oz shredded mozzarella
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 pack disposible containers (Gladware, etc) Big Bowl: 3 Containers & Lids
(6 CUPS / 48 OZ) or Entrée: 5 Containers & Lids
(3 1/8 CUPS / 25 OZ)(I prefer this over the huge aluminium tray because it takes up less space and can be heated in the container and the bereaved doesn't need to worry about returning it to you)

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Make ziti according to the directions on the box. Add olive oil and salt to the water so your pasta is flavored and it doesn't stick together.
3. Drain pasta.
4. Mix pasta with sauce.
5. Mix pasta with 3/4 of your shredded cheese. Put the rest of the cheese on top.
6. Bake for 20 minutes.
7. Put into containers.

Material Occult Girl

Gather around, kiddies. It's Dark Secret time. So, as you all know, I'm from Jersey, born and bred. Knowing this, you must know that there's only so much I can help about my True Nature. I mean, even the most well heeled of us is known to flip a table on tv now and again. Besides this, we're a state full of bling wearing, name brand buying, prostitution whores.

Now, if you like, I can couch this in occultism. All of the girls I run with are crowgirls whether they know it or not. Me, personally? I know it. I have a very serious shamanic relationship with Crow. But us as an Amazon Crow Girl Pack? Dangling secrets and shinies in front of us is honestly honestly the quickest way to get us to flip a table to get to it. We just can't help ourselves. I have a way of getting people to spill their secrets to me faster than a freshman spilling out the contents of their stomachs on frat row. In fact, I was told by one of my pagan elder mentors (PEM), it's an ability that borders on dangerous. Knowing that, I have taken pains to try to keep a lid on this ability as much as possible for the most part*. Sometimes, strangers will randomly tell me things that still manage to shock me.

Additionally, as we've discussed, a lot of my glamoury/shielding comes from clothing, make up, and jewelry like a proper vain Jersey Crowgirl.

So . . .if you take all of these things and put them together it's about a perfect storm.

Ready? Juicy. Couture. Hamsa. Necklace.

Say it again with me now! Juicy! Couture! Hamsa! Necklace!

OMFG!

Name Brand Whoring + pew pew pew! + glamoury + shielding + omfg shiny = me, practically peeing myself in a state of desperate lust.

Luckily, my bf J. (I have a thing with the letter J in SOs), recognizes this state of feverish excitement and kindly made a donation towards the purchase.

Just . . .look at it in all it's shiny, shiny, pseudo-Kabbalah glory. How could I not desperately want one? What's funny is, I was actually looking for one. My PEM has a trick where she wears one on a necklace on her back so her back is always watched and I used to do it as a baby pagan but then I got lazy and distracted by not really giving a shit about shielding for um like the last five years (calm down, I've been working on it and a flesh eating demon hasn't gotten at me yet), so I was looking to start doing it again.

Isn't it goooooooooooooooooooooorgeous?

* - Except, you know, when I'm trying to pump someone for information for my own ends. But! If I am told it is a secret and not to leave my lips, that's an oath that I take more seriously than pretty much anything in the world.

08 May 2009 @ 02:56 pm

As a child she was quite mystified
in searching for the soul
With spade in hand she soon began
to dig a little hole

At one league and 15 years she ventured down her tunneled plight
And was greeted by a troupe of dancing demons stanced to fight
Each demon bid her
"Say our names, as our names you should know
until such time your chains will bind us follow where you go!"

And what a joy it is to be the only one who knows
Katrinah Josephina soon identified her foes!

This song was given to me for this point in my shamanic journey. It's still sort of new and painful that my shamanic path which is a solitary path has become more solitary. In the beginning of my new life, I was having such deep trust issues with men, that Crow had me working with The Morrigan, which helped.

Eventually, I started getting nudged to stop sleeping and wake up again. I've been working on my kitchen witch book (K.), radiomancy has been working again (yesterday on the radio it was all Crow all the time), I've slowly started to take up my role as hearth woman again for my tribe, trying to not take on more than I can handle. I've started to feel the tribeweb again, which at first was just sort of dismaying (In the middle of the night/ Miss Clavel turned on her light and said, "Something is not right!" . . .and then no clue as to who was not right), but has started to settle and I've started to be able to work with it again.

Shamanism in my own experience tends to hit you with a stick until you pay attention (*thwack!* Your husband left you! *thwack!* Your car has been broken into! Do you want to see what I will do for my third hat trick? No, it's cool. I'll get my shit straight). I don't like getting hit with sticks and I'm a really boring creature of habit. I don't like my life being disrupted, I really enjoy the illusion that I have control over it. So I try to learn quickly. So obviously, the first bits were about standing on my own two feet, being finanically independent/responsible for myself, and trusting myself as well as getting the confidence back that I can take care of myself and do anything that needs to get done.

I've recently started dreaming again shamanically. I've missed it, even the hard ones.

So, I think we all have our share of inner demons (. . .or whatever you would like to call them for yourself) and maybe they're complete seperate entities, maybe they're just pieces of me/ you haven't seen, maybe they're somewhere in the middle. I don't really know, tbh. And in whiter light, everyone's all, ZOMG! DEMONS! SCARY! DO NOT TOUCH. Well, of course they're scary, they're demons. But they're yours (and you're theirs). I had gotten some good advice that I discarded in favor of some bad advice dealing with mine which was foolish but what's done is done. So with this whole trying to shine a light on all of the bits of me, including the bits I don't like, am ashamed of, am depressed by, etc. I decided to come clean about taking said bad advice to the good advice giver (I even knew it was bad at the time, but c'est la vie) and see how to work with mine.

I figured I needed to start naming mine. Because I figure, from what I'm to understand, people are sort of like demons in that when they are unhappy, they do terrible things sometimes and when they are happy, they are less likely to do terrible things. I needed to really look mine in the face and stop being so afraid. I'm still sort of at the beginning of that process. The ones I see straight from the gate are Gluttony, Panic, Self Sabatoge. I've started working with my Gluttony demon (she told me the name I could call her, but I'm sort of disinclined to share. We'll call her C.). It might sound weird and/or counterproductive to apologize about neglecting one's demons, but I've found it to be helpful. Neglect often leads to acting out. So, I started to really visualize C. I see her when she is unhappy as Despair from the Endless and when she is happy like November from Dollhouse.

At first it wasn't easy to speak to her in my trance-meditation because she was pissed at me. I would write to her from my internal house and send it off using tiny white mice on the thread between us. She had always wanted a really diva tastic little altar for her "home space" (I have a charm for her on my charm bracelet when I'm out and about), I will post pictures of what I made for her. Since I've asked her to be an active part of my life again, and I've remembered (almost every night) to make little food offerings to her, I've felt much more in control of my eating (instead of feeling like it's in control of me). I have trouble at my dad's side's events. There's too much food and I'm too nervous which = eating far too much. So I kind of reached out to her when I was getting really torqued and it really seemed to help.

While I was altar building, of course Big Poppa Crow was like *ahem*, I've been giving you specs for mine for months. So I got a wood "milk crate" little table and a piece of natural slate to put on top. I have His picture on it with His offering bowl. He requested to live outside on the balcony close to the house and fairy/house fae altar window. So, He's set too.

I've been asking Parvati/Durga/Ma, Crow, Yemaya, and The Morrigan to get through tomorrow. I'm hopeful.