Etiquette Lesson: Magic Is Not for Free (Sometimes)

Maybe because we still, like it or lump it, come out of the hippie movement as Neo-Pagans, there's still this bizarre belief with some people that magic should be free and taking money for magical services is dirty and wrong. Well, that's fine, as long as you think that it's dirty and wrong to pay for doctors visits, lawyers services, handmade goods, herbs, massage, magazines, books, movies, etc. and are currently managing to live completely off the grid in a barter/trade society where you can trade for all your goods and services. All of this, obv, is my opinion.

Unless you are bffs with a srs magical worker or a magical worker yourself, why would a service be free? I mean yes, when I get some queries from WitchVox I will often suggest a small working to assist but that's because (a) I have a soft heart for sad ass stories and (b) I'm also lazy and busy and I can cross post it here and show that I do have a magical thought process when my brain is not pre-occupied with more pressing matters like Dance Moms (which, btdubs, makes Toddlers and Tiaras look like a goddamn afternoon teaparty with stuffed animals and cake) and dodging writing a book. But, small. Basically here's the distinction to me between paid magic and unpaid magic:

Unpaid magic when requested and not offered by the provider as a free service (which I certainly would do for my closest friends and family but YMMV) is like bitching to your friend instead of seeing a shrink. Or like asking your friend who is an excellent amateur baker to bring a cake to a party instead of going to a patisserie. Or you have a friend who is a volunteer EMT and s/he assesses if your cut will likely need stitches or not. Unpaid magic is like a favor, something that's not too big of a pain in the ass for the witch in question but takes some time and energy to do. Something that the witch knows off hand or has a lot of experience with and can answer without it being A Whole Thing. Generally speaking, I will offer some practical advice and offer a small spell working for you to do yourself when I am giving free advice. If you want The Whole Thing - divination, a consultation and then me constructing a whole magical working for you and performing it for you, that is not for free because that is now taking up my time and money as well as my energy and my magic. I have found (and this might sound mean and catty) that when you just lead the horse to water, there's little follow through. When someone has to put their money where their mouth is and be willing to have me shove your face into a gallon of Poland Spring that's when you really wanted this working with all of your little heart. In most (not all) cases, that's when I'm willing to get involved personally because then it's a Practical Magic scenerio:



Aunt Jet: Sally, you just stay right there. Keep working on your spells. Just keep working on your spells.

Aunt Jet: Get the bird.

Aunt Frances: Get the book.

A woman: I want him so much, I can't think about anything else. I don't sleep. He has to leave his wife. He has to leave her now.

Aunt Jet: Perhaps you might find one better suited.

A woman: I don't want anyone else. He's all I think about. Why the hell else would I come here?

Aunt Frances: Take the money, Jet.

A woman: I want him to want me so much he can't stand it.

Aunt Jet: Be careful what you wish for.

You're going to give your money to someone and if I don't have any personal ethical quandaries with what you want, then I may as well do it and take the money.

If you want The Whole Thing, ladies and gentlemen and you want to show that you're mannerly and not an oaf who expects an acquaintance or party friend (or even less of a connection) who doesn't really know anything more about you than you like the Yankees and you don't drink red wine to outline your legal defense for you over hors' d'oeuvres , or diagnosis your sore throat in the spare room at a dinner party or ask for your book to be reviewed at a con party where everyone's drinking test tube shots or expect someone to do illustrations for your album cover because you ride the A train together every day, you need to expect to pay for it. When you are expecting favors for free when it comes to any kind of service, consultation or artistic work you are implicitly (if not explicitly) saying what you do isn't worth anything of value, really. Also, super important? In most Neo-Pagan cultures? Don't haggle. It's rude and insulting to the provider. Don't get nasty with the provider about their prices, that's ridiculous. Take your business elsewhere

If you would like The Whole Thing whether it's massage therapy, book proofing, magical services, event planning, knitting or whatever and this service has not been offered free of charge to you by the provider, here are some gracious ways to see about receiving the Full Blown Service:

1. Say, "I need a love spell/an hour massage/candle work/curse work/an illustrator for my magazine/legal counsel. What is your going rate for that?"

2. Say, "I need X, but I only have X amount of money. What can you do for me for that?" and that gives your service provider a chance to decide for herself as to what she is willing to do for that.

3. Say, "I need X and I have Y and Z that I can barter for it if that's an arrangement you would find suitable, if not thank you for considering it."

If you would like to partake of my services my list can be found here

Final Wishes

A Witchvox reader recently asked me what I thought should be done to ensure that her wishes were followed to have a Wiccan funeral, what to do for the funeral and what to do about her Catholic family, though her children are fine with her religion.

My response:

The best thing you can do imo is to start by making a will if you haven't already with your wishes in it and inform your kids (or next of kin) about your decision. Having this document legally drawn up by a lawyer will insure that your wishes are followed. Next, I would say you want to decide who you would like to conduct your burial for you and to inform them that while you are not dying, you want to plan for your future and ensure someone you know and trust conducts the ceremony for you. I personally would then consider a few points:

* How do I want my life celebrated? It's often natural that some people will be sad and grieve if your passing is sudden or unexpected, how would you like to celebrate your life while still leaving room for grieving? A picture board? A dvd with your happiest moments? For people to share memories of you?

* Think of this as one of the most important rituals you'll go through. What do you want to wear for it? Which chants/hymns, etc. do you want to be sang during it? Which god/dess/es do you want invoked to assist you in your passing? Are there any readings from any sacred texts that you want? Do you want to be buried with any other objects? Or herbs? What kind of flowers or charities do you want to use?

* How do you want to be buried? In the ground naturally? Cremated and your ashes spread in a special place? Interned? A standard burial with a fancy coffin? What cemetary do you want to be buried at if you want to be buried? What kind of headstone if so?

* Your family who is Catholic are going to need to grieve your loss too. Are you willing to do a traditional wake in addition to your Wiccan burial? Have a priest involved at all even for a short prayer for them? Prayers to Mary? Or allow for a memorial service where you're not present but gives them a chance to grieve in a way that's familiar to them?

* Make sure your affairs are in order - that your children (or next of kin) know where your important papers are, that they know how your life insurance works (if applicable), how to access security boxes and bank accounts, where your deed and car title is if applicable and that they know who your lawyer is and what your wishes are in terms of a long hospital stay (do you not want to be kept alive through machines? Do you want a do not resuscitate order? If you have a long term terminal illness, do you want hospice care?)

Have a question? Email me at corvaxgirl [at] gmail [dottie] com

Finding Your Pagan Moral Compass: On Forgiveness

Sometimes being Pagan is challenging. We have a much murkier moral structure than many other world religions, especially if you're more of a “freelance” Pagan like myself. There's honestly not any one-belief structure I subscribe to in its entirety, which makes for days where I miss being Catholic in my own way. While it wasn't always easy to adhere to the belief structure, there was a structure to follow for everything. You could expect Mass to go a certain way, you could expect sinning to go a certain way and you could expect forgiveness to go a certain way and you could expect death to go a certain way. As a creative of habit and structure, I miss those certainties even if they weren't always necessarily certain in my own head as a Catholic.

Read the rest here at WitchVox

Etiquette Lesson: Maintaining One's Boundaries

In this modern first world life, boundaries are a constant hot button issue – the friend who calls at 3a on the regular crying about her messy love life, the mother in law who wants to be a little too involved in your life, your sister constantly claiming she just wants to do one thing like go to the doctor’s with the lure of hearing the baby’s heart beat and then ropes you into going on two or three errands after.

Okay, the last one is totally my problem. But, boundaries are a big issue because it requires a lot of balance, some quid quo pro and not getting bogged down by feelings.

Because humans aren’t exactly known in general for our awesome Vulcan like tendencies as a whole, you likely go one of two ways: You are *so* conscious of your boundaries and policing them that you likely push people away or you are a people pleaser and find yourself getting steamrolled on the regular.

Are you a policer?

· Do people say they have a hard time getting close to you?
· If someone says something that doesn’t jive with your boundaries, do you need to correct that person immediately, even if it makes the conversation awkward or becomes an argument?
· Would you rather have your boundaries intact, even at the cost of making a new friend?

Are you a people pleaser?

· Do you feel like people don’t respect your time and/or space?
· Do you find yourself doing things that go against the boundaries you would prefer to have with loved ones regularly?
· Do you find that you have too many loved ones and it’s difficult to keep up with their demands?

It’s okay to be either a Policer or a People Pleaser, you're going to have a tendency towards one or the other. But if you want to maintain boundaries while still being open enough to allow loved ones in, striking a balance is key. You are going to often fail at this miserably because, again, you’re a human and not a Vulcan. The trick, as the lifehackers are fond of saying lately, is to fail better regularly and to be conscious of how you tend to be and to be conscious about trying to strike a balance.


People Pleaser Points to Ponder

If you know you’re a people pleaser, it is vital for you to do some hacking and slashing in your life. Are you part of any organizations that you’re only lukewarm about, but they take up a lot of your time and energy? They’ve got to go. Do you have any loved ones who are terrible about the 80/20 rule? Sometimes. . . .it’s not as easy to just cut them out of your life for a whole mess of reasons.

But, with people like casual acquaintances, if you can, start gently removing yourself from their lives. For me, I got rid of a lot of Facebook friends who are not actively a part of my life and who I’ve fallen out of touch with and who never bring anything to my life. I don’t have all day. There’s been a couple acquaintances who I didn’t not like but didn’t really enjoy their company either on the occasions I saw them. Generally, on the occasion I would see these acquaintances, I couldn’t do the things I enjoyed; they were preventing me from seeing people that day whose company I genuinely enjoy or from doing things at home I genuinely enjoy. I stopped returning calls, unfriended them on Facebook, etc. Doing this really helped me regain control of my life and helped me focus on what was important to me; working on writing, spending time with my loved ones, crafting/Crafting, etc., etc. At the end of the day, remember, you’re steering your boat and you get to decide how your time is spent.

Caveats:

However, just because you’re steering the boat doesn’t mean you’re not going to get stuck doing things you don’t want to do. I wanted to go to a whole cavalcade of weddings this summer/fall about as much as I wanted to eat my own eyeballs. I wanted even less to be a bridesmaid several times over. Being in charge of your life doesn’t mean that maaaaaaaaagically everyone will be doing everything in a convenient manner.

But ask yourself these questions: While the person(s) are currently being a colossal pain in your ass for whatever reason (personal problems, wedding, moving, etc.), are they generally? Do you love them? Do they do right by you most of the time? If your answer is yes, sorry Charlie, sometimes we all have to suck it up and do shit we don’t want to do so be a good pony and put a smile on your face and put on that damn coral dress because they’d do it for you. Quid quo pro, Clarice, it’s called being an adult. And remember! You’re not a joy all the time either. I highly doubt my complete divorce related break down was convenient or fun for anyone, but they were all there for me, so I am there for them.

You can’t always get rid of people, even when you’d like to. Mother in laws, friends of friends, significant other’s friends, whatever. There are people who we are obligated to whether we like it or not. I find a few things help in this kind of situation.

1. Gently, but firmly assert your boundaries. Be a broken record. If you said you could only be there until 6p, leave at 6p. If s/he is complaining that you don’t spend enough time, aren’t a good cook, whatever, say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry I don’t have more time/aren’t a better cook/hate cats/whatever, but I have a deadline on this project/it isn’t a priority for me/ have allergies.” Then change the subject. Lather, rinse, maim as much as necessary on repeating that phrase gently but firmly.

2. If you can’t handle dealing with them at that moment, don’t pick up the phone, don’t return the text, don’t return the email.

3. When you are obligated to do something you don’t want to do or spend time with someone you don’t want to spend time with and there’s no escape, the best thing to do is to just throw yourself into the experience as much as possible. Have as much fun as possible, make the other person have as much fun as possible. Just open your heart and open yourself up to the possibility of it potentially being a good time. Don’t let petty bullshit get you down, use step 1. and just rock out. Worst case, you’ll be home in a couple hours/days/weeks and you can go back to business as usual.

4. If it’s an awful situation you can’t make better but are forced to endure, I suggest keeping a bottle of Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab’s Scare Crow on you in your pocket or purse at all times. You may not care for the smell, but that’s sort of the point. Scare Crows are meant to keep things out, it’s formulated to act as a magical repellent. I’ve used it as such before. Dab it on when you want to keep people away from you.

As I am not personally a Policer and this post has gotten far longer than I had intended, Policers! What do you suggest for other fellow Policers to do to help let people in while still maintaining boundaries? What tips and tricks do you have to strike a balance?

Etiquette Lesson: I'm addicted to you/ Don't you know that you're toxic?

Before we get started, it's vital to note that this lesson is not about victim blaming. It is never okay to engage in behavior when it is non consensual such as striking a person, demeaning a person, or sexually assaulting a person. If anyone is abusing you using items listed on this checklist, please call 1-888-7HELPLINE and get help.


This is something that's been rolling around in my head for a long while. I've noticed that when wounded and likely broken up (this applies to friendship and relationships), people have a tendency to call the other person in the situation toxic. In our post-pop-psychology world, people like to grandly say that they're keeping toxic people out of their lives.

To me, this only devolves one way:

"You're toxic!"
"No, you're toxic!"
"No, YOU'RE toxic!"
"No, YOU'RE toxic!"
"You shut up!"
"No, you shut up!"

So what exactly do we learn from this situation besides moral superiority? Not a whole lot if you ask me.

I think it's much harder to look at the real issue at hand, that neither party is toxic per se, but that you both managed to put yourselves in a toxic situation. Yes, this is much less satisfying than simply declaring the other persona non grata, but it's a lot closer to the truth of the matter. The other person didn't come into your life all oozing superfund while you were a hapless victim lying on the train tracks with nothing to do but feebly cry out while this person cackled evilly and goozed all over you. Whatever toxic cycle you found yourself in didn't happen in a vacuum. It's harder and much more important to look at how you found yourself in this situation. Usually it takes years to get into a really toxic cycle, so it can take a lot of soul searching, journaling, and possibly therapy to figure out how you got there and what you did to contribute to the situation.

Towards the end of my marriage, Kate Nash describes my relationship v. aptly in her song, Foundations. When it finally imploded, he didn't leave me in a particularly kind way and it was really messy. He did a lot of really uncool shit at the end of our relationship and it would have been easy for me to start screaming about what a victim I was, how I had nothing to do with what happened, how toxic he is and how defenseless I am, etc. But you know what? It wouldn't have been true. I wasn't standing on the sidelines of our relationship, not contributing anything good or bad. Where would I be if I acted like a blameless victim? What would I have learned from the relationship? How could I improve as a person?

Steps I Took to Get Past a Toxic Relationship

1. Took time to be shellshocked because it was a *SURPRISE!* (to me) divorce.

2. Took time to be really fucking sad and devastated. I even did rubber band therapy.

3. Took time to be really angry.

4. Took time to do as much shit talking as I needed to do to those close to me.

5. Started to be really functional again. This took mmmmm four? five? months before I started to really genuinely be myself again and started really functioning past doing the bare minimum to survive.

6. I started before step 5. but especially after step 5. to really take a good, long hard look at what I did to contribute to the disintegration of my marriage, because it didn't happen in a vacuum and it wasn't something that Wasband (he WAS my husband) was solely responsible for. I thought about what things I could have done better in that relationship, what I could improve on, how to be a better person, etc.

I really think giving myself time to get through all of that and take a really honest personal inventory of myself and reflect on how I could improve as a person has made it so that nearly two years later, I came out the other side landing (mostly) neatly on my feet, dare I even say better for it?

Now my partners and I fight with each other easily 85% less now than when I was with Wasband. When we do it's generally pretty calm which has made a huge difference in my life/fibro management. When I was with Wasband I was yelling and screaming often several times a week about various things to various people. Now I think in my relationships we've raised voices maybe . . .six times? in the last two years. Again, this isn't just a situation where I cut him out and maaaaagic! I made a conscious decision that I didn't want to live like that anymore. Wasband and I also both liked to wind each other up which didn't help matters in attempting to resolve things calmly, now I try really hard not to get into that cycle with anyone.

At the end of my marriage I was stress eating constantly, dependent in so many ways, unable to care for the ginormous apartment we lived in, eating out (and eating too much) all the time, fighting with Wasband all the time, in debt up to my nose, and completely stressed out, hardly ever writing or crafting.

Now I own a condo I can clean myself easily, focused on my relationships, independent, debt is 30% paid off on track to be paid off completely in 2013, I write all the time, I go to the gym, I'm not very stressed except when there's reason to be (*coughcoughsummerofninemillionweddings*), I'm self supporting, I cook at home, I don't stress eat nearly as much, I'm in charge of my health care, etc.

The problem I see a lot of people having is they get to step 5 and then it's just all OMFG! The other person was so TOXIC! I'm so glad I'm away from that person! Think about it this way: you are giving that person far too much control and power. If that person really had that much power that you cut her out of your life and voila! everything's perfect again without you having to do anything but cut that person out, well that person much be a pretty formidable opponent. *So* formidable that they must be like Godzilla stomping through various innocent bystanders' Toyko.

Is that *really* what happened? Really? You had no control, no power, no voice at all in that situation? Or maybe, just maybe, you did some shitty things too or at the very least went along to get along? It's okay to not have done things perfectly. It's okay to have made mistakes. If you can acknowledge that you did, this gives you *more* power because you can fix a mistake a lot easier than a random Godzilla lurking about ready to cause problems at your ramen stand at any given moment. Were you too selfish? Did you sometimes like to wind the person up? Did you yell a lot? Did you rather be right than happy? Awesome! That's all shit you can work on.

It's totally okay to:

Call the *situation* toxic! When you say this to yourself or others also add, And I know I contributed to it too. Try it, it's liberating! Taking responsibility for your actions is probably the most liberating awesome thing you can do in life because then you own them and they're yours to fix and learn from.

*Still* be angry, sad, and whatever at times. Being over it doesn't mean you're over it 100% of the time all the time. That's called denial or sometimes depending on the situation, compartmentalization. You can ask Don Draper how well that's working out for him.

Have some choice words about your ex. Hey, you don't have to approve of what happened on her side, you don't have to wish her well, you don't have to not call her some kind of terrible mean pet name. The caveat there though is that you need to be careful not to fall into the Mean Girl trap, I could hear people getting bored with me. But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit. When it starts to feel like word vomit, you need to stop because it's starting to eat you from the inside out, yo. And you do not want to give that other person that kind of power over you.


Charm to Stop Word Vomit

Put a rubberband on your wrist. When you feel the word vomit threatening to spew, snap it sharply and say this charm:

When I snap this rubber band,
I will not word vomit just as planned.

Etiquette Lesson: How to Conduct Yourself When Someone Dies

When someone v. close to you dies, it's relatively easy to know what to do - be a hot mess and go through the motions of putting together whatever kind of funeral rite the person would like to have. When you're not immediately tied however (immediate family, best friend, etc.), I have noticed a lot of times, this is when shit falls apart.

I think a big part of this problem is that the first world is v. shielded from death. I know people in my age group (30 something) who *still* haven't lost someone close to them besides perhaps a grandparent (and old age makes it somewhat more expected, though no less grief intensive) and . . .I can't relate to that at all, honestly. My first memory is at age six losing my grandma and seeing my dad cry for the first time (quelle surprise I'd be picked up by M. Corbeau). I lost my dad at 18 through a very long, painful battle with cancer (We were both struck silent/ me from the grief/ him from the throat cancer) and the hit parade sort of goes on from there. I've been to significantly more funerals than weddings, the piece de la resistance being my engagement year where I put seven people in the ground, the last being my cousin Anthony a week before the wedding. He was only five years older than me, his widow was my age.

So, having a vast array of funeral rites in every stripe and color that I've attended, I've had plenty of time to be appalled by my generation and the generation after me. Less strict parenting has led to some teens thinking it's okay to do anything from read, text, have a toothpick in their mouths, pants that reveal one's boxers, be overly boisterous, etc., etc. (oh yes, this has all happened in my family. There was a lot of talking through my teeth to them and reminding them that x family member may seem old to them, but s/he was my generation's mom/dad/etc. We're Italian, in my family it's always appropriate to step in if the parents are otherwise occupied and you're the closest elder).

If you've had the fortune to not have to go to many wakes, funerals, memorial services, etc., that's a blessing. But it may make you unsure what to do in that setting when you do need to go. If it's only been people you've not been close to, you likely know to slap on a suit, shut off your cell, pay your respects and then go about your business. But it can get stickier if it's someone closer to you, or if it's someone close to someone close to you (best friend's parent, boss' spouse, etc.).

Tips on How to be a Standup Person During the Grieving Process:

It is always the right thing to do to send a sympathy card. It doesn't matter if you were fighting with the person who passed or their loved ones or if you're not sure how close you are to the deceased or the grieving. It's very hard to offend someone by sending a sympathy card.

Pick a card with an appropriate sentiment. This might sound confusing, but if you aren't close to the bereaved or the deceased, a more generic card is appropriate. If you were close to the deceased or the bereaved, you may want to pick a card with a more personal sympathy sentiment. If you're not sure what to say, it is always appropriate to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I am thinking about you and your family in this difficult time." Grieving people are preoccupied with their grief, they're not grading you on your creativity. Don't over think it, just send the card. They probably won't remember what was said, just that you were kind enough to think of them in their difficult time.

Inquire with the family about the arrangements. If they say it is a very small service for close family and friends, don't be offended. Everyone grieves differently. Inquire if the family is receiving donations to the deceased's favorite charity, mass cards (if Catholic), or flowers. If yes, then find out the funeral home's information so that you may do so. If no, simply send a card to the family, as outlined previously.

Generally, there is some sort of wake, shiva, or calling hours for people who want to pay their respects to the family or the deceased. If you do not consider yourself very close to the family or the deceased, but still would like to pay your respects (and your respects are welcomed by the bereaved), you would attend the most public part of the funeral rites. For example, the wake but not the funeral, the shiva but not the funeral, the memorial service but not the funeral, etc. Generally the funeral is the most private part of the rites and it's typically by invitation only.

It is very important that you are dressed properly for this. Many times, the death of someone comes as a surprise which is why it may be helpful to have an outfit for death rites that is always ready to go. Dress in a dark color and make sure all of the lines of your outfit are conservative. Women, no cleavage, knee length if wearing a skirt. Men, no white socks, no "fun" ties. Suits for both genders are always appropriate. I personally always have a long black skirt, an appropriate neckline black short sleeved top, and a black wool cardigan with pearl buttons. I always wear this for death rites only (I find that it helps me to not have the jhor/death energy on my other clothes, but that's a personal choice. I also don't like having psychological associations with death on my other clothes), I dry clean it/hang it up immediately after and don't touch it unless I need it. It's always appropriate year round and it's one less thing for me to stress about.

Keep yourself grounded. It may be helpful for you to have a hematite stone or a small pouch of salt on your person. A family piece of jewelry can also do the same thing for you. It's okay for you to be sad, feel grief, etc. too! The tricky part is managing your own grief while still assisting the grieving family. Processing your grief with someone else prior to the wake may help. Doing something you find comforting after the wake may help too. Personally, what keeps me somewhat sane is going out the night before, drinking two or three martinis, having a big piece of red meat, and smoking a few cigarettes. All the things that could kill me bring me a strange sort of peace in dealing with death.

If it is a religious rite, do a quick search on what is typical for that religion so you know how to act appropriately. Follow the lead of the bereaved at the rite is the best course of action. Some families prefer quiet and some prefer to be more boisterous to remember the deceased. Again, everyone grieves differently. Obviously, this is not the place to try to impose your personal religious views on others. If you don't feel comfortable participating in any of the religious rites going on, just sit quietly. If you want to say a little prayer in your head in your home religion, feel free.

If you are close to the bereaved family or to the deceased and you decide to attend the burial, follow the instructions of the funeral director for the procession. Find out beforehand if the cemetery is far from where the wake/memorial service/etc. was held. Make sure you have enough gas beforehand and that you've used the restroom so that you can follow the procession without needing to stop elsewhere. Get directions too just in case.

Help the living. This is probably the hardest step. Often, if we ourselves are somewhat removed from the grieving process (if it was an acquaintance, or a loved one's deceased we didn't know v. well, etc.), once we work through our own process (which will be faster than the bereaved's), many of us want to go on with the business of living. For the bereaved, just because it's been a month or two doesn't mean that their worlds still aren't shattered. This is where being helpful is critical. The transition back to daily life after the acute grieving stage is very difficult. The modern world expects people to go back to "normal" after a few weeks - working, taking care of the house, paying bills, taking care of themselves and their children (if applicable), etc. If you are nearby, ask if they need any help running errands, if you can do their dishes or walk their dog, or if they need someone to talk to. Look at pictures and photo album of the deceased with the bereaved (*if* the bereaved wants to), offer to help pack up the decease's personal items and help figure out what can be kept and what can be donated. Take the bereaved to do something fun but low key - mini golf, dinner out, for a drink, etc. If the person seems receptive, talk about your life (but keep petty grievences about the bereaved or the bereaved's family to your damn self), talk about the book you're reading, celeb scandal, whatever. A lot of times they want a distraction. But you need to judge this carefully to see if the person wants a distraction or wants to talk about their grief or the deceased. Just being present helps a whole lot, even if you don't know what to say. Ask if it's okay to drop off a casserole. Many people make food for the grieving in the first week or two, but many people aren't ready to make dinner every night for themselves in the first month or two. Dropping off a casserole three weeks after the deceased passed can be really helpful. If you're far away, you may want to consider having a food service deliver to the grieving family. I personally use this one (US based) when I need to send food.

Most of all, don't be an asshole.
This list includes:
* Having your cellphone on at the wake/funeral/etc and/or texting
* Trying to pick up any of the bereaved
* Being overly self absorbed during this difficult time (admittedly, this is another tricky one, especially if you're part of the bereaved's primary support structure. It's a delicate imperfect process, but it's okay to draw boundaries so your life doesn't completely fall to shit in the process too, it's okay to vent to close friends or family about the bereaved when you are stressed and upset, it's okay to take care of yourself. You need to or you're no good for anyone, yourself included. See here for articles on caregiver stress and here for an article on caregiver burnout)
* Chewing gum, having a toothpick in your mouth, being inappropriately dressed
* Appearing bored at the wake including asking people "what are we doing after this".
* Starting fights of any kind with any of the bereaved
* Calling undue attention to yourself, including starting "pity party" wars (it was worse when MY dad died)
* Not calling or showing up or sending a card
* Not following up with the bereaved with at least a text/email/phone call
* Any behavior you even *think* for a second would be questionable and/or you wouldn't want someone to do when *you* are the bereaved, don't do it.


Fail-Safe Vegetarian-Friendly Super-Fast Barely-Homemade Ziti
The death happened v. quickly or unexpectedly? Need to be part of the first rush casserole brigade? Don't know what the bereaved's family eats? Need to get a casserole done in a hurry and on a tight budget? Ziti is the thing. Again, you're not being graded on your creativity here, the bereaved is barely going to remember to eat let alone what they ate. Unless the bereaved is vegan, Celiac, or has a tomato allergy, this is the thing.

1 box ziti pasta
1 jar tomato sauce (I prefer Francesca Rinaldi's Sweet & Tasty)
16 oz shredded mozzarella
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 pack disposible containers (Gladware, etc) Big Bowl: 3 Containers & Lids
(6 CUPS / 48 OZ) or Entrée: 5 Containers & Lids
(3 1/8 CUPS / 25 OZ)(I prefer this over the huge aluminium tray because it takes up less space and can be heated in the container and the bereaved doesn't need to worry about returning it to you)

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Make ziti according to the directions on the box. Add olive oil and salt to the water so your pasta is flavored and it doesn't stick together.
3. Drain pasta.
4. Mix pasta with sauce.
5. Mix pasta with 3/4 of your shredded cheese. Put the rest of the cheese on top.
6. Bake for 20 minutes.
7. Put into containers.