Erzulie Freda

While discussing my burning question with RO, not only did I realize how to clarify my question, but also that Erzulie Freda might be trying to make herself known to me.

Pros: She's in line with this whole radical self acceptance thing, she likes the same things I do, gets along with Yemaya, never fully clicked with Aphrodite.

Cons: High maintance, don't know where to put her if I do start working with her, don't want to become a crazy god lady.

The idea of keeping her altar clean all the time is daunting. I suspect if I started working with her, she would live on my vanity which is notoriously a disaster area. The whole difficult and demanding thing is also pause making but at the same time, let's be real, I've been described the exact same way by people who actively love me let alone people who don't. The Yoruba pantheon is not at all unfamiliar to me, and it has lots of fun layperson rites. But I've never worked with a deity described as "demanding" and I'm not sure how well I'd play the "Whatever Erzulie Wants" game. But! I'm good at drawing boundaries with the gods and am somewhat of a cement head which I've learned is long termedly to my advantage. But as a cementhead, the fact that I'm getting the memo at all is giving me pause about how to proceed.

Thoughts?

Question for the Masses

As some of you may know, Jow and I will be opening Trevia soonish in the next few months. My question is, if we want to do work for a client who works with different deities than we do or do an incense for a deity we don't work with, how do you work with deities like that? I'm working on a sekrit project involving Eruzlie and (a) I don't work with Her (b) I don't really want her "moving in" and (c) she's notoriously easy to offend. How do I work with her on a contractual business level and then . . .leaving so soon? Here's your hat, here's the door, without offending Her and other potential deities.

I've never worked with deities on a contractual level, usually I wound up getting invested in them and starting a relationship. Tips?

Edited to add: Really, I think what I'm trying to figure out is that while I would never take on a "service" request that I couldn't reasonably fufill due to moral, pantheon, layperson issues, what about standard pagan store supplies? Like candles and incense? Is it necessary to have any kind of relationship to make items in honor of a deity? Should these items come pre-"zinging" or is it up to the practioner? Is research and formulas enough to make these items?

On Blood and Sacrifice

As we know, I can't be bothered to read a lot of heavily theory based books because I get bored and tap out. So don't expect a well referenced article here, just my personal experience.

Starting out as a Dianic Wiccan, the blood of choice to focus on was of course menstrual. While myself and the younger prissier witches among us turned our noses up at the idea of doing rituals involving menstrual blood, we were regaled nonetheless about the ye olde 70's by the older witches and their menstrual blood rituals.

As I aged some, I was less prissy about it and invested in a diva cup which I use on the regular, to the dismay of the triumverte. The cup was handy in also being able to neatly pour menstrual blood into my watering can into my garden. When I had my little container garden (I do have plans to resume that next year), I did feel a closer connection to the land. It made me feel like I was doing something sacred, something important by tending to my tiny pots (complete with tiny garden gnome) in my bare feet on my balcony. Watering them with my blood strengthened that bond too I suppose. It didn't feel all rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh POWERFUL!!!!!!!1111!!! It felt nice. I don't know how else to describe it. Nice. Peaceful. I suppose theoretically, I could have used my garden to bind everyone who stepped foot in my house to me in some kind of crazy Sicilian Marinara Vaulderie Ritae, but that wasn't really my intent. I liked feeling like something that came from me could grow something else, it made me feel linked to the land strongly and it felt, I dunno, v. circle of life somehow.

Of course, let's be real here. We all went through a phase where we wanted to be taken supersrsly in the magical community and to prove how badass we were. What's more bad ass to someone likely under the age of 25? Blood magic. Menstrual blood is a good starting place if you're a lady-type, but really it's not like you have to work for it, it just happens. No, there needs to be stabbity and teeth gnashing, and I don't know, whatever other tough poses you undergo when you get your finger pricked at the doctor's office. Because! It's not like it's all that easy for many of us to get serious needles. Lancets, sure. Needles, not so much. And if you're cutting yourself with a knife, well, that's a problem in most cases that many people seek help for. So, you know, once you realize that finger pricking is likely to be the extent of your practice and that your super manly six year old cousin Andy can handle it with a Hello Kitty bandaid and a lollipop, you need to stop and ask yourself what you're hoping to get out of it.

At the time when I first started investigating, the general view of the more . . .god, is White Lighter a nice term? I mean it nicely, I don't know why people get all bitchy to them, they make all of us in the occult community look at least relatable to non-Pagan/Occultist/Whatever kind of special snowflake you are, most of us at least started there. When Mothra is feeling benevolent, she calls me a Wiccan instead of a godless atheist so I pretty much take it and like it. Anyway! WL'ers tended to see using blood magic as an atom bomb. Which. . . .I suppose if you're sacrificing maidens in your backyard, it would be.

If animals are killed in ritual, it's kinder and more gentle than the American meat industry and the animal is eaten and its parts are used, so I have no qualm there. I have not as yet participated in any kind of animal sacrifice rite, but I would like to fish and hunt my way up the food chain. I figure it's the least I can do with a quasi-Shamanic background. It's all well and good to eat meat that comes wrapped all nice and neat, it's another to do the work. I want to make sure I can handle the process, if I can't I should be a vegetarian in my opinion. Luckily, my gf grew up on a farm so we have plans eventually in that general direction.

But what about the finger prick of blood? Well, ADF at one point STRONGLY discouraged it. My grove being the backwater snake handlers of the tradition of course rushed to make pamphlets discussing how we are strongly discouraged (but not forbidden) to do blood sacrifice or juggle porcupines (the genesis there is a little fuzzy). Now it seems we're forbidden to do it in ritual setting at least.

So when to use it? Okay, so it's not the toughest expression of sacrifice, and there are other expressions of sacrifice (hard work, things made from your hands, wine, etc.) but it is still an expression of sacrifice. You still have to take that little tack like needle and jam it into your finger. It still hurts. It's still a tiny piece of your life force, something that is uniquely you. It's still one of the preferred personal concerns in hoodoo. If you can manage to contain yourself from using it for everythang and keep it as a sometimes food (like cursing), that keeps it as a special kind of sacrifice. For me, I only use it when I really, really want something. I got my wasband housing many many many moons ago, and I got myself the perfect rabbit burrow condo using it. I can count on one handish the amount of times I've used it, I only use it when I am v. serious about something or making a v. serious offering to the land or a deity.

Some deities do like it, but if you make that an every day food for them, be prepared to go through a lot of needles and be prepared for them to not like the idea of you breaking up with them and taking away your delicious delicious life essence. Some deities really don't like it at all, so do your homework before starting a teeny dollhouse sized CSI blood spatter for your gods.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Panic, Meditation, and the Dilettante

Many parties on my blogosphere talk about how meditation is the cornerstone of their practice. And I really respect that, but it's not the cornerstone of mine. And at first I felt like a complete dilettante about that. What? Sit quietly for an hour? What kind of girl do you think I am? I don't *do* that!

It's not that I haven't tried. I have, meditation was part of my ADF druid dedicant program. The issue, the real issue, that took me years to get to the heart of is that I can't do traditional meditation because of my panic disorder.

I've done what I'm supposed to do, I've sat on the couch, I take meds (delicious, delicious meds! O how I love thee!), I've found god(dess)(es), I've come to terms with the things that caused that in me. But here's the thing, it doesn't go away. Some people think that's what therapy/meds is supposed to. Congratulations! You're healed of years of abuse, bad relationships, bad decisions, and living with a debilitating condition! Go! Be free! Live a normal life!

It would be kick ass if it *did* work that way, but it doesn't. I get better at living with it, at managing it, so much so that people who've only known me as an adult (especially past the age of 25) forget how damaged I am, which is flattering. But it's still there. And real, true, emptying my mind meditation triggers a panic attack in me every time. I don't know all the hows and the whys, but I do know some, just like I know some of why going to the movies at a theater does the same and drinking caffeine. At the end of the day, this isn't something you can always logic your way out of. Your body is reacting in a real, visceral, primal way and it doesn't care if you say, "Oh no body! We're not *really* in danger! It's fine, really." Because often, your body's response is, "OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" until it's done.

Some magic users have gone so far as to say they didn't think you could be an effective magic user without meditation. I've asked what should I do due to my body's chemical reaction (also? Fibro? Not the greatest for long term meditation) and no one had any kind of answer for me. This was devastating to me. I wanted to be a real live girl and no blue fairy had any sort of answer for me as to how to get past this.

So for a while I gave up. That's right, I gave the fuck up. It was exhausting enough trying to lead a "normal" life, if I couldn't ever do this, well it's unlikely I'll ever run a marathon either or be president.

I don't have the answers for everyone, I can only speak for myself. But I don't think really many people have talked about what to do if you have a disability(ies) that prevent you from having a full, rich meditiational life. So, let me tell you what I've found for myself.

How to be Magically Delicious Without Emptying Your Mind Meditation


Why can't you meditate? If you don't know why, really know why, you're not going to be able to figure out the actual heart of your magical practice so do some serious soul searching to figure out why. Even if your reason is "I don't want to", go deeper than than and think about why you don't want to.

Redefine meditation for yourself. My japa practice has been something I've done every night without fail since late December. It gives me the benefits that meditation is supposed to give people - relaxing, focusing, clearing my mind, etc. My brain/body can handle a full 108 every night and it's really helped my personal practice. Guided meditation such as the IPM and visiting my own internal hearth can really be helpful for me. When I am not strong enough to clean my actual hearth, cleaning my internal hearth really helps keep me sane, I can also visit with my god/desses there. Other things that help me: cooking, cleaning, baking bread. Don't discount those practices, they can really help you develop your magical practice if you treat them as meditational practice.

What is it you're trying to accomplish with magic? I have to be blunt, I'm not looking to talk to angels. I'm not looking to call in any kind of super serious spirit that needs to be confiiiiiiiiiined by my dark aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts! I like having an occasional meditation chat with my god/desses, I like trying to build a better me on my path - to be faster, stronger, sexxxier. For me that really equates to: having a magical practice to call my own, having enough money to pay my bills and occasionally travel and buy a ridiculous purse, get in better shape, writing, and crafting. All of this can be accomplished with low magic. So if I personally don't need or really even want anything that can be accomplished with higher magic, why do I keep torturing myself? It's ridiculous. I personally have yet to go into any situation that could not be solved with mundane means or low magic. It could happen, but . . .it hasn't. So why am I preparing for some kind of magical apocalypse if I don't need to? For me, it has been far more beneficial for me to stop torturing myself about things I wasn't trying to accomplish in my practice anyway and get better honing my practice to accomplish the things I *am* trying to accomplish, none of which require a huge meditational practice.

If what you are trying to accomplish does require it, it's going to be a difficult path so make sure it's worth it to you. You may want to start looking up Rinpoches who have experience with disability and meditations.

You still need a cornerstone in your practice. If meditation isn't your cornerstone, what is? Really stop and think about it. My cornerstone is my hearth. My magic happens in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom (if you know what I'm sayin!), using household tools. It's my chantry, my sanctuary, my safe space, my temple. So I need to focus on making sure my hearth is in order, which is where the majority of my magical practice lies with offerings being a second and spellwork being a third.

Cooking Dinner Does Not Make You a Kitchen Witch (subtitled: Making Friends Where Ever I Go)

Perhaps I am a miscreation,
No one knows the truth,
There is no future here.
You never know who's still awake,
You never know who understands and

Are you out there, can you hear this,
I was out here listening all the time,
And though the static walls surround me
You were out there, and you found me,
I was out here listening all the time. [Dar Williams]


DISCLAIMER: If I follow your blog, if I've made nice comments to you, etc., etc. I obviously don't mean you in this entry.

I'm having a shitful day today, so why not alienate some readers!

I sort of spent my twenties fighting against who I really was in oh so many ways. I didn't want to be a kitchen witch. I thought that was the least impressive, most Holly Hobby branch of magic there is.

Jow and I were talking about why I fought this yesterday, he said it doesn't make me lesser. But I said, it does. I've just grown not to care and to honor who I am. It makes me LESS formally educated, LESS full of hermetic/goetic/golden dawn occulty goodness, LESS theory based magic, LESS plugged in to having 24/7 chitchats with my gods, LESS inclined to have some kind of formal magic fancy dance, etc., etc.

Now, I've never felt in this fabulous blogosphere that any of *you* have ever made me feel this way, but you have to picture me from ten years ago: I'm constantly listening to NIN! I wear boots with sparkly laces to my corporate gig! I'm thrashing around on top of tables pumped full of piss and goldschlagger! I'm trying to break glass ceilings! I'm smoking cigars with the boys! I'm demanding my place at the occult table at occult events! I'm getting tats! I'm going through Shamanic trials! I'm fucking punk rock and . . . you want me to bake a cake? Really? Really? So I fought against it for while which is why I wasn't terribly successful in my own personal magic for quite some time. Somewhere around 27? 28? I started really embracing it. Once I bought my own home, my own hearth, I *really* started embracing it. I had the tools all along, it turns out, I just needed to know how to use them.

When I first joined the blogosphere, I wanted to bff a variety of people in the magical world. But let me be honest, most of all I wanted to befriend fellow kitchen witches. Sisters/brothers unite! Let's get some spit, blood, hair, dirt, and basil and get this party started!

But I didn't find too many. The fabulous Mrs. B of course. A little later I demanded an introduction to my PEH, who while not a kitchen witch per se, at least does magic similarly, Lavannah who has land that I covet.

I googled. I tried tracking down people. I tried a lot of different key words. And honestly, I found a lot of people who claimed to be kitchen witches, but in scanning their blogs all I generally found were recipes and chatter about their kids. Now, there's nothing wrong with any of that. But that doesn't make it a magic based blog because you need, like, magic in your blog at least some of the time to qualify.

What Doesn't Make You a Kitchen Witch Per Se

A recipe isn't magical in and of itself. Just dumping a bunch of recipes on your blog doesn't make you a kitchen witch anymore than it makes Wolfgang Puck a kitchen witch. If you said I use honey in my Chocolate Lavender Mousse to sweeten my mother-in-law towards me because she's a complete bitch on wheels to me by that point in the meal or I put menstrual blood in my spaghetti sauce so my husband still thinks I'm dropping it like it's hot even when I'm tired and in sweats, rock! Those are magical acts. Bring on the recipes!

Having children. While yes, it is a v. specific way to mark your transition into motherhood (sometimes), kids don't really make you a practicing magic type person any more than it makes SuperNanny Mary Poppins. It's okay to talk about other things in your magic based blog besides just a never ending compendium of your magical practice, but if you're not talking magic at all then . . . it's not really a magic blog then, is it? Things that would: Using magic to help soothe a baby/get a baby to sleep (I will only slightly guiltily confess to having done this before), protection magic, detailing tiny rituals you do with your kids.

Being a Homemaker. I do very much think that unpaid labor in the home needs to be appreciated and ideally compensated (please see here for more clearly articulated thoughts on the matter, it's applicable for both mono/poly people), but it's a job. And just like going to work in an office is not a magical act in and of itself, neither is taking care of your home. If you were talking about cleaning/organizing in a magical blog and discussing how to be more green (because we need to take care of Mother Earth of course and she's a goddess in and of herself), discussing what oils you use to scent your house and why, what you do to keep the house spiritually/magically clean, rock on.

What Qualifies You as a Kitchen Witch/Hearth Wo/man/Someone Who Does Hedge-Like Magic

If the Personal is Political, then the Every Day is Magical. Look, you don't have to cast +5 magic every time you make hotdogs for dinner on a Tuesday night. But what can you be doing in your every day life in your hearth to make it more magical? Smudging with sage every few days to clear out the energies? Spray bottling your bed with a water based mist you made that has come to me oil in it? Choosing your cooking herbs based on magical purposes? Go crazy.

Deb's Example Rit for Making the Every Day Magical
I had been hemming and hawing about starting my current novel because (a) I've never finished writing one and (b) it's a little silly in a genre that's already a little silly. But it came to me in a dream and it feels right. So I started by not just slapdashing it together, I took my time. I did research on names, other books in the genre, brainstormed and I made a mood board for it. When I knew it was time to start writing, I wanted it started right. I wanted my surroundings perfect, like giving birth (which is what I do with writing). We've been getting pretty awesome about keeping the house tidy. We made sure everything was clean, went to brunch (appropriate for the kind of novel it is) and then I put on mood music and wrote, drink in hand. When I finished the beginning, I sealed it with eating a really posh chocolate (salted dark chocolate with balsamic and caramel) from the best chocolatier in NJ which was also appropriate for my novel's genre. It wasn't about me putting together a mojo bag in this case, it was about choosing my actions carefully and doing everything with intent. There would have been nothing wrong with making a mojo bag, but it was more important to write in a magically charged environment for me to get this show on the road.

Get a Base Education in the Lower Arts. Yeah, yeah, you like to put on your robes and call on all the archangels and whatever. Cool. But sometimes for whatever reason, you'll need to know how to do things quick and dirty, so learn how. Learn what salt and kitchen herbs can do for you, learn about mojo hands and honey pots and spirit bottles. I recommend of course the incomparable M. yonwode's Hoodoo Herb and Root Magic as your Idiot's Guide. Test yourself if you're super structured magically, pretend a friend needs a fertility charm tonight and you need to get to her just using stuff around your house. What do you do?

Get a Base Education in House Wifery. Some men back in the day got married because they had no clue how to take care of themselves. While that's not so common in this day and age, you still need a base education in house wifery to be a successful hearth wo/man. Thanks to most of the first world being a conveience culture, you may have been getting by on relying on take out, a dry cleaner, and a cleaning service. That's all well and good, but you're missing pieces you need to be a successful hearth wo/man. If you are missing any of these things, that's okay, don't feel bad about it. But a lot of people cry, Oh I'm no good at it! Or, I don't know how! Ignorantia juris non excusat. Ignorance of the law excuses no one, so get to work. It won't be perfect from the gate, but nothing is. Ask someone better versed for help, if you know someone. Worst case you burn a few casseroles and shred a few shirts, it's no big deal. Even if you won't use it for a while or you think ever (though you'd be surprised), these are all good life skills to have that will translate over into your magical life. Think of them as Hearth Meditations.

Can you:
* Do your own laundry?
* Have your house clean enough to have your mother or mother-in-law or Miss Martha over without them making a face?
* Cook a dinner for yourself and others?
* Meal plan?
* Budget and financially plan?
* Be able to make a casserole quickly for an emergency?
* Host/ess a party?
* Know how to bake something from scratch?
* Know how to do your own grocery shopping that's more than just "box food"?
* Know how to do basic clothing repair?
* Know what to bring as a hostess gift?
* Know how to conduct yourself socially at various social obligations?
* Know how to give yourself self care?
* Know v. basic first aid?
* Know how to care for small children for a day?


Hearth Wo/man's Tool Kit
* First aid kit
* Disposable tupperwares
* A bottle of wine in a festive bag, ready for a party
* Generic gift for a male and female recipient just in case
* Funeral clothes, hung up, pressed, ready to go
* Small bits of flannel for mojo bags
* Empty, clean, and lidded bottles and jars for spirit bottles, honey pots, etc.
* Cooking herbs including: bay leaves, cinnamon, basil, dill, allspice, sage, lavender, etc.
* White candles (can be used for anything)
* Pins for inscribing candles
* Olive or Grapeseed Oil (for making dressing oils)
* Fragrance warmer (for making dressing oils)
* Sewing kit
* Sterile disposable lancets for any blood offerings needed
* Tealights for deity offerings on the fly
* Grave yard dirt
* Calendar
* Notepad
* Hand Sterilizer


I will be expanding on some of this in future entries. If you have any specific questions, shoot!

We are not alone/ in the Mortal City

Oh Blogosphere. You are abuzz with god talk and Gordon, my separated from birth twin/platonic Euro husband has double dogged dare us to talk about god.

I have been reluctant, and not really commenting on any of the god talk because . . .I can't even fully commit to agnosticism. Capital-G God, I have issues with. Because, around 13 I started to kind of be like, hmmmmm. Heaven? Not so sure about that. And then I bought in again when my dad died 'cause I needed to in order to get through it and then Mothra made the mistake of sending me to college where I decided that I should be able to *intellectually* wrap my head around Big-G and Catholicism. Instead I left the Church.

I am at heart, a boring ritualistic (not quite OCD) girl who deals with her control issues by planning and making things nice and neat. I don't like my antfarm shaken. Which is why sometimes I make the mistake of getting into sort of a pissing war with Big-G internally. I DEMAND ANSWERS! I DEMAND ORDER IN THIS CHAOS! And Big-G who can kind of be a jerk sometimes, laughs.

But I do have questions. What happens when we die? Why do some people suffer so terribly? Is there a meaning to any of this? Do we just rot in the ground, in the darkness? What makes life happen?

I don't have fancy answers or concepts or even a word to call myself. When I need to make order for myself, I consider that maybe people have voluntarily reborn into a life of suffering to get some perspective and to hash it all out with your after life guidance counselor. I don't think it's wrong to come back as an alpaca, I think maybe alpacas have their own sets of rules and standards and I don't think it's a step down. In fact, watching my useless cats makes me wonder if it's a step *up*. Reincarnation makes sense to me, but in a way different than most of the world. I *like* being a hamster on the wheel. I *like* being a human and being entrenched in all of its wonders, sorrows, and absurdities. The idea of not eating, playing, laughing, crying, fucking, etc. is traumatic to me. People keep trying to entice me with god world, evolving, etc. and I'm honestly not interested. I *like* all of this visceral experience and I'm grateful for it, even in my worst moments. There is a kind of ecstasy in real, terrible suffering but only (imo) if there is something to counter it.

I don't know that I believe in Big-G. I don't know that I don't believe in Big-G. I don't really know what happens when we die or any of the mysteries. This is where I am an agnostic, filled with equal amounts of trembling hope and doubt.

I know I believe in the gods, they've done much for me. I don't believe we have an equal relationship, sorry. But I do tend to see it as a parent amount of power verses an ant crushing amount of power. Little-g gods are easier for me to wrap my head around. They have personality quirks, specific appearances, stories, loves, hates, families. I can relate to that. Little-g gods aren't wish granting genies, but I believe that they can love us and want the best for us. I also believe that like Mothra, we may not agree on what's right for me. But sometimes she will be right (and some times she won't be).

You started the Trojan War? What, like, it's hard?

I make it a point to try not to get tapped by any new gods or goddesses, even the number I work with is a little too much for me sometimes. But, as we all know, like thinking that last jaegarbomb was a good idea, sometimes things have a way of just happening.

I find that if I'm going to get tapped either by a new to me god or goddess or a god or goddess I don't work with very often, it tends to be due to a GoG ritual. In fact, that's how I acquired most of my personal pantheon (I'm looking at you, Eris).

Generally, there are signs that don't make sense until I'm clear on who's tapping me. Today's tapping was brought to you by the letter "A" and the number 13.

1. Why can't I stop thinking about boys* and lipgloss?

2. Why are the older ladies in my life suddenly obsessed with me looking youthful, but age appropriate? I guess it is time for an image overhaul. New hair, new clothes, new shoes, new make up, done!

3. Preen. Be admired. Drop it like it's hot. That's right, boys*! Take a good look!

4. God, why is Hephaestus Jow being such a drag about exbfs and random boy attention? You're not the boss of me! I demand a longer leash!

5. Decide to send an email to one of the GoG organizers for Beltane to see if they need halp. Immediately get a response back that the 12+ Olympian gods will be honored. Do I want to make a shrine, pick one? Super awesome! I love them. Who? Just did a rit to Demeter not even a year ago. Persephone, did a rit to her too. Hestia might get into a fist fight with Parvati for dominance over my kitchen and I'm not touching that with a 20 foot pole. Hmmm. Everyone's always ragging on Hera, maybe get to know her? But then, I'm going to be influenced at Beltane by Hera most likely. Ugh, that would be a drag. I want to reclaim Beltane! I'm the goddamn May Queen! Last year's Beltane was such a bummer for me, I was an Outsider for *my* holiday due to the divorce.

6. Aphrodite, is that you?

7. Sigh.

8. Okay.

9. Write the email.


This is not the first time this has happened (and a tiny voice says, and it won't be the last!), what happens now in my experience is there's either minor or major communing with said deity between now and the ritual. Luckily I had sort of worked with Aphrodite before. Things that help me relate to new deities:

1. Pop culture. For reals! A song will get stuck in my head that's relevant (which also makes all the Ke$ha and Lady Gaga suddenly make sense).

2. Research. Both "real" research (i.e. scholarly) and pop culture research. Dark secret of the day: I love the way the gods were portrayed on Xena/Hercules. I loved that it was a new, modern take on them. And I always *loved* their Aphrodite. Also, I need to check out Percy Jackson for some more modern takes on the greek gods.

3. I try not to fight it. This is a two week time period. I have dealt with the greeks before. In my head, they like to laugh a lot, they like puns, wine, eating well and flirting. It's seasonally appropriate anyway, may as well just give in to the experience for the next few weeks. I see oysters in my future. Mmmmm.

4. Because of the way I do magic (Jow pointed out that TRANSform Me is the most accurate way of describing my internal magic process because man, if you can flip genders as a hat trick and then help others change themselves to feel good, it's pretty awesome), glamoury in the form of clothing, makeup, hair, jewelry, etc. is how I can express a lot of things - confidence, shielding, my interpretation of a god or goddess, etc. So outfit planning will be pretty crucial.

5. Altar dressing, both in making a mini shrine at home that I can keep and altar for the rit becomes pretty important.

So I'll be meditating on all of these points and keeping myself open to whatever adventure pops up along the way between now and Beltane. I'll keep you posted!

* - and girls too!

Nice to Meet You, Charmed . . .

My layout is thanks to Dossy! He rocks my socks, whenever I am limited by my own low skill level, I can Veruca Salt whine and he fixes because he's cool like that.

So, a bit about me as I'm sure you're *dying* to know. My regularly scheduled blogging is over on el-jay as we say over on that 'hood, but my SO has been trying to talk me into blogging about my magicy goodness over here. Apparently, if I want discussion based discourse, this is the place to be. I had been fairly quiet on the blogs I syndicate over to my lj because (a) omg a drag to click a link and log into my gmail and (b) I have a big mouth and am not always known for my massive amount of tact. Keeping my opinions to myself is not really where I excel, I tend to have that Angelina Jolie like need to blurt out anything I'm thinking.

Anyway. I was Catholic for the first 18 years of my life, CCD, confirmed, church every Sunday, confession, the whole nine. I came from a pretty progressive church so I don't have a lot of baggage, it just wasn't for me anymore. I wanted to be able to at least be a deacon, which I thought was fair but the Pope disagreed.

Then I "turned my back on thousands of years of family tradition" as my mother so colorfully put it when I came out of the broom closet, by becoming a Dianic Wiccan. I'm still part of my circle and I'm an initiated Priestess there, I consider it part of my "public" practice. Dianics can heal like whoa and I find it a good way to get connected to the Goddess within. I've been Dianic for 13 years. The other part of my public practice is Grove of the Other Gods, which is one of the largest groves with ADF. We're sort of the snake handling part of the organization. I consider GoG a good way to get connected to the gods and goddesses without. I have led rits there as well. I have been part of GoG for 9 years.

In my private practice, I consider myself primarily a hearth woman. I have been initiated as a shaman (9 years), I do a little hoodoo, I do a little kitchen witchery, I do pooja based Hindu practice, and some divination.

Gods/Goddesses/Beings Bigger than Me I work with to varying degrees but have altar space in my home: Yemaya, Crow, Parvati, Durga, Shiva, Demeter, Persephone, Hecate, Eris, Bast, Pan, Nyx, The Morrigan, and Diana.

She said, I don't know what She meant to me/ I just knew She affected me. . . .

15 July 2009 @ 12:10 pm

Usually by this point when I'm running a rit, everything is kicked into High Woo by now.

It's different, for this rit. I feel mostly tired. Exhausted, really. I feel worn out by other people and find myself wanting a lot of time to lie on the couch and be left alone. It's . . .a dispiriting headspace for running a rit.

But . . .there have been meetings. The walk has been walked several times now. Key issues resolved, as best as possible. Cookies to bake.

Greek gods in my head have had a tendency to . . .not be the way I expected them. I expect them to be solemn and serious and instead they tend to be impish. They tend to love a good joke, a good smoke (offering), they want to feel things to the hilt - to love, fight, fuck, and cry.

I keep doing meditations before bed and I have strange fractured dreams. What I seem to be picking up is . . .Be awake, be aware, be conscious about the moments in your life. I'm constantly afraid of forgetting something important about . . .everything - prepping for this rit, doing this rit, etc., etc., etc.

I feel like things that are being transmitted to me are things I should already know or do already know . . .but don't do.

When I try to explain the ritual, I talk about being in the fullness of one's life. What I think I'm trying to say is that . . .there are mortgages and papers to drown in, bosses who are in a bad mood, ssdd problems with friends, family, and lovers, everything I want to accomplish in a day never happens, I may or may not ever loose the weight I want . . .

But that's not all there is. Those bits aren't even the important bits to being an adult, a grown up, a Mother. Yes, it's important to know how to cook, clean, pay your bills, do your laundry, show up to work more or less on time and you need those things, but that's not the point.

The point is, you learn to own yourself. You learn to not be everybody else's girl. You decide your goals, your hopes, your dreams. You're responsible for how they happen or not happen. You get to decide if you want to work 9-5, party 9-5, and then work 9-5 all over again. You decide what's important - marriage, children, career, art, music, love, whatever. You decide if you want to eat cannoli for lunch. You are yours and no one can take that away from you unless you let them. And if you do by chance, as we all tend to give ourselves away, you can take yourself back.

I have snapshots in my mind about what's been important in the last few weeks: the goldfinch who came to my balcony to talk to me, singing kirtan to Shiva, lying in a patch of sunlight in my underthings, straightening my room so it feels like mine, the way ricotta ice cream tastes, the smell of Water (BPAL) massage oil, the story about the rabbit in the moon who makes mochi, the memory of her with ivy painted on her face and me sobbing on my knees in her lap asking for absolution and being granted it and the ritual where we both called Her in, a bridge between us and now I will try to call Her, wishing she was there to help.

I just want this rit to be right. And I don't know what that means yet. And I won't until it's over. Fireflies. Bunnies. Fat Squirrel's cousin. The tower of longing. The smell of greasetrucks. The arbor where we all come together.

I try to open my heart. That's what She wants from me, to open my heart and to allow myself to feel everything I can feel that day. And I will try. Lady Demeter, oh how I will try for You.

Goddesses & Ritual Planning

01 July 2009 @ 02:56 pm

Sometimes at the beginning of planning a ritual, I feel like Cher from Clueless. I don't have a huge formal education background and apparently the language the gods feel I can understand best is music and fashion. I . . .feel sort of dumb about this but they're not wrong.

However! Since this rit will be about being in the fullness of one's life, the summer of one's life if you will, I have endeavored to try to be a grown up and read some source material instead of relying on being a reclaimist. I've been reading Mysteries of Demeter: Rebirth of the Pagan Way. I tend to trust authors more when they say what bits are sketchy, why there's conflicting information, and when they won't even attempt reconstructing something. Her rits . . .make me go blahblahblah because there's no way I use anything as formal as she does (though there's some v. small bits that are interesting) and there's double no way that it would fly in any of my religious groups.

Apparently, there was some kind of special drink involved with Demeter's rituals. What it is seems v. sketchy (and the author didn't try to recreate it which I dug. Sooo many authors would be like, oh it's this, I know it! Or, I have no idea so we'll just use mugwort-lime peel-milk!), but it's speculated that it's hallucinogenic. Also, I didn't know that there were many aspects of Demeter, though it does make sense.

So, I haven't felt like I have been totally in ritual planning headspace. It could be because I haven't had my pre-planning meeting meeting yet. So I've been thinking about it today and of course, the big questions is, but what will you wear? I had initially thought to do a chiton as it wouldn't be too difficult to make. But Demeter (at least the way I see her) seemed to turn her nose up at it. It's not modern. So, I thought, hoooookay. But I do see where she's coming from; this is a great season for modern interpretations of traditional greek fashions. Serena on GG is constantly wearing Grecian dresses, the Maxi dress is super popular . . .she doesn't want me to be her priestess for the holiday looking like a home ec project. She was thinking a green organic maxi dress. Well, those are $80 and while I would love to support small business and feel super posh-eco, there's no way I have $80 for a ritual dress right now. This seems to be a good compromise. Hair color will be Ruby Fusion. I can easily add laces to my ballet flat, etc.

She seems v. big on showtunes too. I . . .don't know.

But when I really started thinking about what she represents, I realized I *have* been in the headspace - getting my apartment in order, trying to buy property, planning my financial future, learning better spending habits . . .being a grown up. But, it's also about the quote that inspired me about her:

"In Terre d'Ange, one would say she was in the full summer of her beauty--past spring's fresh charms, not yet touched by the sere frost of autumn." - Kushiel's Scion, Jacqueline Carey

It . . .seems from the little bits I'm getting, that I'm supposed to have fun and play and be . . .more optimistic. Which for those of you who know me is going to be nothing if not challenging. I apparently (from what I'm getting) have the other bits down - the tenacity, the strength, the determination, etc. I need to work on the other bits. The next few weeks should be a trip.