Do It All Again: The Post-Crucible Party

Jow and I skipped Crucible itself and while I too could listen to Jason talk all day and would have liked to have seen RO's lecture and meet Lavanah, and I always learn something new about voodoo from Kenaz, let me be real, it's all about the after party.

I've been friends with the party host (B.) since I was too young to drink and he was just old enough to and he was dating my best friend at the time so needless to say, we've been partying together for about oh almost half our lives along with my best friend A. who while is not maaaaaaaaaaagic per se, she'll put up with it especially if there's good booze and fun to be had. But it's not a Pagan/Occult party unless you have High Drama with at least a quarter of the room which of course I did. So before the party I started text A. about suddenly not knowing what to wear upon hearing the guest list and tried to get things for the party and breakfast at Target but got all socially anxious to the point that I just abandoned my basket in the middle of the hosiery section. I texted her the vital information that (a) I didn't have any boots and couldn't find any (b) I don't know how slutty to dress for this and (c) I had lost my will to live.

People who don't know me or don't me well assume I of course love parties and people and being gregarious because I've worked v. hard both magically and mundanely to present myself that way. The truth of the matter is I'm terribly shy, often grumpy and only really like it when I throw the party or event because then I can hide in the kitchen as much as I like, I can always have an excuse to escape and I can throw everyone out when I'm done with them. A. promptly replied with: (a) Wear your Uggs (b) I'm giving you permission to dress as slutty as you want tonight and (c) get dressed, I don't care. I sighed knowing that I wouldn't be able to whine my way into a night of iCarly and jug wine and didn't put up a fuss. Luckily, A. knowing that I was two seconds away from becoming a non compliant limp toddler, texted H., B.'s gf who was going to be in the suite earlier than expected and we were invited to hang out and pre-game. A. came over and approved my outfit and ordered me to put on my makeup and do my hair and stop whining. Jow asked what "battle perfume" I'd be wearing and A. didn't really know what he meant so I explained that I have both actually magically formulated perfume from places like BPAL and "regular" perfume that I wear to suit my mood and/or how I want to portray myself. She nodded and said she only owned Juicy Couture perfume 'cause that's all she needs. Being Jersey girls, that is a fair statement. We got into the car and I had a moment of complete deja vu especially since we were heading towards Princeton, past my old place and it was the way we'd always take to get to Philly to go goth clubbing and because the hotel was in the development of my old company meaning I could navigate there and back heavily intoxicated no problem.

We got up to the suite and H. and B. were kind enough to let me be bossy and arrange the food and the bar to my liking so I could help bartend. A., Jow and I decided it was then time to induct H. into the Secret Society of Awesome & Alize and then I tasted all of B.'s meads so I could arrange them in order of dryness. Jow and I shared a shot of tequila because it was where we met years ago - I was giving a lecture and he had a crush on me though I didn't know it because he wouldn't speak directly to me (but I like you/ I like you so much/ I talk to everyone but you) and then a few years later we started flirting and I was on a panel of his and it always felt like he was talking only to me. He decided that year to impress me even though he has the liver of a twelve year old girl and everyone told him that going shot for shot with me was a terrible idea because I was The Tequila Queen at the time but he did it anyway and eventually we started dating and then got engaged and now we're to be married.

It was a smaller party this year which meant less physical distraction from High Drama but also meant that my friends had me drinking heroic amounts of pumpkin liquor/vodka and shots of tequila with many cig breaks to provide Other Distraction. I was also promised to be allowed to lie down next to the koi pond with the huge koi with the bottle of pumpkin liquor and serenade the koi with as much Katy Perry as I wanted until we got tossed out if it got too bad. I ran into Jason and RO downstairs during one of those breaks. We deposited Jow so he could geek out there and went to gossip, flirt and drink more pumpkin liquor (which I informed them that they should be doing as well and they laughed and joined us at the party shortly after). We filmed our youtube hello, I made my rounds with A. for a few hours but after a double shot of tequila egged on by B. (who is a terrible influence) at 4a and the room started getting slightly spinning and I had had enough of High Drama, random boys looking down my top (though I didn't mind with a lovely young girl, which reminds me of another Crucible party where I was feeling curmudgeonly as usual but apparently that's attractive to occult girls and so several cute girls spent the party petting my hair) and dick waving that will inevitably happen when you put booze and occultists in a room for enough hours and we headed out where we got to witness several rounds of Young Indian Wedding Guest High Drama which we kind of wanted to get involved with but Jow said no and we made our way home, stopping for the traditional ohmigod o'clock you are too drunk to actually handle sitting in a diner like a civilized person and instead need to go to a 7-11 for a cheeseburger big bite and hope that you can handle money exchanged for goods and services. Then home to take off all your jewelry and shoes but forget about your make up and insist on singing Katy Pery at the top of one's lungs until you are distracted into other pursuits and then sleep fitfully with a bowl next to your bed just in case and then have the mother of all hangovers the next day because no matter how much you may insist intellectually to your body that you can still party like you did when you were 23, your body will have no problem explaining in vicious detail that it has a dissenting opinion and to shut the hell up, thank you.

Still. There's a pounding my head/ Glitter all over the room/ Pink flamingos in the pool/ I smell like a minibar/ Pictures of last night/ Ended up online/ I'm screwed/ Oh well/ It's a black top blur/ But I'm pretty sure it ruled/ This Friday night/ Do it all again/ This Friday night/ Do it all again. . .

Valentine's Day Recipe Monday: Commentary and Molten Bittersweet-Chocolate Cake

Okay, let's get started with my two biggest pet peeves:

1. Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark Holiday".
2. It's Valentine's Day! The only way to show love is to be taken hostage by commercialism.

Okay, first off, Valentine's Day is far from a Hallmark Holiday because last I checked, Hallmark wasn't in business selling ye olde cardes in the 15th century. That's right, kids, Chaucer is credited for choosing St. Valentine as the patron of marriag, which translated eventually into being the patron of love. So to be completely honest, I get really sick of people being dismissive of Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark Holiday" because really, it's a celebration of acknowledging the egregor of love and to me, you're a pretty fucking embittered person if you don't like the idea of that. And it's not just for lovahs in my opinion, I have fond memories of my girl friends and I dressing in black years ago because, fuck boys, and exchanging flowers and chocolates as well as last year going to see the movie Valentine's Day and she got me this stuffed bee with a heart headband that had this maniacal "cute" laugh which made us laugh all day.

I also get annoyed by feeling like we are held hostage that the only things that will make women happy are five dozen roses, three dozen chocolates, a stuffed animal that's bigger than my cats, a "journey" blood diamond, and a super expensive dinner where we're charged twice as much as usual for a "special" menu where you're herded like cattle. Um, that stuff for most of us sucks (and if it doesn't for you, you have a right to like whatever you like, so rock out).

Valentine's day to me is about exchanging tokens - something that is meaningful to you and your partner(s) or is a cute practical little something or whatever. We go to our favorite restaurant which has their regular menu *and* a special menu so you could get something veg, a lobster or a burger. "Deb's Special Day" has been translated into me drinking as much wine as I like, eating as much cheese, red meat and chocolate as I like and then getting to watch something I like. So far, Jow has given me a bone resin crow skull necklace that I have been coveting, a small bouquet and a nice card. For this girl, that's romance.

Still feeling unhappy about Valentine's Day? Check out Jow's suggestions.

Today's recipe comes from the current Feb 2011 issue of Martha Stewart, so you know it's good because Miss Martha doesn't mess around with her holiday issues.

Molten Bittersweet-Chocolate Cake

Active Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 1 Hour 20 Minutes
Makes: 6

Sink a fork into these warm cakes to find a puddinglike filling.

1 stick plus 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into small pieces, plus more for ramekins
1/2 cup all purpose flour, plus more for ramekins
5 1/2 bittersweet chocolate (70 percent cacao), chopped (1 1/4 cups)
5 large eggs, room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
Pinch of salt

1. Butter and flour six 6-ounce (2 inch deep) ramekins.

2. Melt butter and chocolate in a double boiler or a heatproof bowl set over a pan of simmering water. Meanwhile, whisk together eggs and sugar until pale and thick, about 4 minutes. Sift flour and salt into another bowl.

3, Fold egg mixture into chocolate mixture. Immediately fold in flour mixture. Divide batter evenly among ramekins, filling each three-quarters full. Transfer to a rimmed baking sheet. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

4. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Bake until just set, 14 to 16 minutes. Let cool for three minutes. Turn cakes out onto plates.

Popping Pills and Practice

Since writing my latest article for WitchVox (btw, I tried to write back to you, Carol but it bounced! Hopefully you'll see this instead?), I've actually been getting the same question a lot which makes me think it's on a lot of people's minds:

Do you think that taking medication affects your magical practice?

For the TL;DR crowd, my short answer would be: no. For those of you interested in a discussion, I will share my thoughts with you here. Firstly, I'd like to say that I really dislike it when people are made to feel like they need to engage in secrecy and shame. If that happens, something has really gone wrong in my opinion and the fact that apparently a lot of Pagans/Magical Practitioners feel that they can't talk about taking prescription medication and need to hide that from the community makes me really sad. Taking care of your health and taking advantage of modern medicine shouldn't be something you have to feel shame about in spiritual circles in my opinion.

So let's start kicking down some walls and lay it all out there. I have depression, anxiety, anemia and fibromyalgia. I currently take the following medications to make it so that I am a productive member of society: Prozac, Xanax, Remeron, Savella, Celebrex, Vitamin D, Multi-Vitamin and Birth Control. In the past, I have: gone to therapy and tried Kava and St. John's Wort to help. The therapy helped immensely, the Kava and St. John's Wort significantly less so. In addition to my medication I use yoga, stress management techniques, japa/self guided meditation, massage, journaling and talking to loved ones to manage my conditions. I see my doctor regularly. She is v. tight fisted with all the "fun" meds and I don't think I could get a Vicodin out of her if it meant she could retire on a island of her own. But at the same time, she treats my conditions very aggressively.

Even with good coping mechanisms, good medication and a good support structure, I still have days where I'm anxious and can't sleep and occasionally have days where I am depressed for no reason, sometimes my fibromyalgia causes me so much fatigue and pain still that I can't get out of bed. Despite these aspects, I still feel the normal human range of emotions and generally only feel sad or stressed when I'm "supposed to". I've worked since I was fourteen, I pay my taxes, I write, I ran a con, I go out and have fun doing all the things early thirty-somethings like to do, I have loving relationships and I own a car and a condo. My medication makes it so that instead of being too depressed to be motivated or paralyzed with inexplicable fear and anxiousness or too bedridden with pain and fatigue on the regular, I can lead a fairly "normal" life.

Which is why at this point I get confused about why shame needs to be implemented for taking advantage of first world medical care in order to lead functional lives. Are there people who abuse prescriptions? Um, yeah. They're addicts like the people who are alcoholics and have other drug abuse problems. Is that the majority of people who take meds? No. There's this idea that bugs the shit out of me that there are all these people who take medication they don't really need and this medication *magically* takes away all of their problems and they don't need to deal with them. Last I knew, you needed to take like a fistful of Xanax or are shooting H to get that effect. Which . . .see: addict.

Medication (and therapy) helps get you to the point where you're not in a full blown chemical freakout so you can effectively solve your problems and live your life. If you can do that for yourself without meds, rock out, you have an awesome immune system and brain chemistry. If you can do that solely with homeopathic methods, rock out. If you feel taking meds makes *you* a lesser person somehow then that's your business. But I start to get *real* touchy when you try to lay your trip on me. I get *even more* touchy when you start to try to tell me what to do with my body because I have a real problem with that. Control over my body goes way beyond whether or not I decide to have an abortion, it's also about having agency over the decisions I make regarding my health care.

And this bullshit that some people in our community put on others about how taking prescription medication is selling out, supporting corporate evil and bringing our community down and how you don't "believe" in the pharmaceutical industry so neither should anyone else and positive energy/crystals/herbs/alternative therapies would work for everyone regardless of their brain chemistry and body systems and personal desires is just that- bullshit.

With all that out of the way, let's get to the nuts and bolts of the question asked. While I haven't been completely unmedicated in roughly ten years, there are times where I have a little time in between prescriptions due to various reasons (mostly due to the length of time it takes for my prescriptions to arrive to me via mail) where I am in a quasi-unmedicated state and/or if my fibro-flare is that impressive that it punches past my meds that I feel able to give my own take on whether or not my medications have affected my magical practice.

When I was unmedicated/quasi-unmedicated, it was significantly easier for me to be in touch intuitively. What that means to me is that Tarot reading was easier to "pull", getting random psychic impulses and having an easier time seeing what's going on with what I call The Tapestry. The Tapestry refers to everything that's happened in the past, everything that's happening right now, everything that will happen and everything that never happened. To me it looks like a huge tapestry constantly weaving and unweaving itself in bits and pieces. Typically I could see about like one billionth of the whole tapestry, it was mostly my little corner of the world.

However. And this is a big however, my magic has significantly improved since medicating. My spells are much more effectively, I have the focus to have a personal practice and my rituals are more effective and meaningful.

So while yes, my general fuzzy random psychic ability was better unmedicated, having the ability to cast better and have a better personal practice *to me* (and YMMV) far outweighed my unmedicated abilities. While yes, my unmedicated abilities were more "traditional" psychic aspects, the ability to get the perfect condo through my targeted magic work far outweighed the benefit of being able to say, "Gordon! I think something is going to happen to you on Wedne- Thursd- No, definitely Wednesday. No idea what though. Cheers!" So for me, being more functional in my daily life and being more effective in my targeted magical practice far outweighed being unmedicated.

Discuss among yourselves.

The truth is in the dirt on the ground/ not in your gilded cage with your rusted spoon/ when the ground splits open it will swallow you. . .

So as some of you know, my life has been shaken up like an ant farm in the last two years. It's been good (long term anyway, maybe not short term), but it's been scary as fuck. In the last two years, I've gotten divorced from someone I had been with for my whole adult life, I've moved closer to home, I got my first mortgage, I've become very active in writing which has always been a passion of mine, I've gotten paid for my writing (a big hurdle), I've stopped running my convention and will be running a Steampunk track at Arisia and now I seem to be shedding the last bit of skin I have left on me from my twenties, my job.

I'm terrified to say the least. Magically, it's sound. As Jason is fond of saying, you don't need magic to hold onto the status quo. I've done magic work and KEPT MY SOVEREIGNTY (I just really enjoy saying it like that, too much Venture Brothers, you can blame Jow for that). I asked for something v. specific in my honeypot spell I recalled today, I asked to be able to generate enough *paying* income to support my current lifestyle which is far from extravagant, including writing. I haven't dreamt of my dad in years and years but last night I was sitting down to lunch with him and in the dream my mom was doubtful about what I wanted to do but my dad seemed to think I should give it a go. Dad wasn't a business guru or anything, but usually Mom was the go team! in the fam so when Dad said you should do this somewhat crazy thing and Mom was doubtful, usually it worked out in real life.

This is an opportunity I've wanted for some time, the idea that I could make a living writing (which isn't as exciting! as it sounds, the main paid writing gig I have is writing about kayaks and tents, etc. but it pays well and I don't mind it) while having enough time off to launch Trevia (crafting AND Crafting), write some short stories, write some book outlines and write some more freelance. The mundane signs are there, I was literally the face of AOL for a day and received over 600,000 hits on my piece which was equally loved and hated (usually a pretty good sign) so while personally terrifying (*everyone* who has ever met me it felt like saw it which was v. vulnerable feeling) which will also give me future opportunities hopefully as well. But I would be working as a contractor which means that if this goes to shit and the company, while robust and in business for several years and growing, isn't bulletproof because nothing is in this economy. So if the company fails I'm totally boned in terms of unemployment. On the other hand, I am the equivalent of a Chanel bag in the nannying world and I could always go back to that if need be.

As of Dec. 15th unless something major changes, I will be jobless unless we make a placement which seems unlikely as we haven't since March. I am working on focusing my magic towards making enough money through writing/crafting and getting a severence. I will also focus magic on my book outlines. This feels like it's the right thing to do which of course makes me completely and utterly distrustful of it. Sometimes it seems like all my dreams are within my grasp (to work from home, to work reasonable hours so my fibro doesn't get worse, to write, etc) which makes me worry that I'm going to completely fuck it all up.

But oh how I am trying to not cling to what's safe but reach for what's going to be beyond status quo.

I'M BRINGING REX HIS LUNCH!

Now, today may be confusing for some of you because Mabon is sharing a day with an equally important holiday, Rex Manning Day.

It does present a plethora of potential etiquette dilemias, especially with the touchy subject comingling Pagans who don't celebrate RMD and RMD Believers who don't celebrate the Pagan holidays due to faith schism issues. And O What About the Children? Like me! I celebrate both! No one wants the stress of both holidays melting down over your lovely dinner and religious arguments are so boring.

So here is what you do. You honor both. Because? Let's face it, it's a Wednesday and you have almost no will to do anything. Especially, if like me, your sister just got married over the weekend and you just cooked a rehersal dinner for 20 and had Maid of Honor Duties.

1. Invite your friends to help celebrate! Pagans, RMD Believers and non believers alike! Everyone likes booze and/or ice cream!

2. A lot of guys like quests when celebrating religious events. Jow has not yet been exposed to RMD so I sent him on a quest to try to find Pumpkin Pie flavored ice cream and perhaps more apple cider as I suspect he bathes in it. J. will be getting the holy text for the evening.

3. Now that it's fall, peruse Halloween decorations. If you're like me, you like some of the nicer stuff to decorate your house year round anyway. Also, it's getting cold. Celebrating also means getting a new chunky cardi, *especially* since there's a sale.

4. Celebrate both holidays by drinking spiked apple cider, eating popcorn and ice cream and watching the sacred text.



p.s. I also came up with a formula for my super secret Trevia project today also.

On Black Swans.

When I first started out in the blogosphere, it took me a little while to get introduced to Gordon, but one night Jow was laughing while reading a magic blog so I was immediately interested. I then started reading Gordon and launched a one women campaign of desperate devotion. Eventually, Gordon was unable to resist my assault on his blog and my dogged fan girling and gave in. It soon became apparent that we likely shared a wine addled brain and had similar views on magic and weeknight drinking. Both of our partners have been indulgent about our marriage of the minds and I have come to refer to him as my PEH (Platonic European Husband).

I love all of my other blogosphere buds, and they're always really good at making me think about various things (especially RO, Jason, and Kenaz) in different ways, but Gordon has always managed to articulate the habitrail that makes up my brainmeat into succinct, concise English. More over, he makes it into a plan.

Sometimes our little corner in the blogosphere gets into a hivemind. In late April, we all got crazy about LifeHacking and who wrote books that were good about it and who wrote books that weren't and what did it really mean to have the perfect day. I was new, I needed shit to blog about anyway, so I jumped in as desperately wanted to smoke with cigarettes with the cool kids.

Then things started to get weird. Or wyrd for those of you with a spelling fetish. My boss started talking about cutting my hours and somewhere in there, Jason was talking about not forcing things to happen a certain way as in, yeah, I could be focusing all my mojo into getting more business for my boss's company or I could say something along the lines of, oh hey, I'll bust my ass, I'll write, I'll craft, I'll hustle/whore any kind of project that's in my realm, I'm trusting You (collective You, my gods who are kind about my dilettantism and how I couldn't contain my Pokeman tendencies in my baby Pagan days) to not let terrible things happen to me.

I love my day job. Not because it's particularly awesome, but it's mindless, it pays v. well, it has kickass hours, a really kind boss and a window. I would honestly stay here until my bosslady retired or dropped dead. Security is indeed the whore in me as Heather Nova sings. But it's a tiny company, just me and the bosslady and we're affiliated with the pharma industry and . . .everyone's merging and downsizing and tanking so it's been pretty barren.

I love Jason's explanation of doing magic, with the three levels and all of that and I see it working super amazing awesome. On an intellectual level, I would think, yes, this is the way magic should be done. Jow does awesomely with it, people get awesome results and who doesn't do magic to get results? But in reality land, my brain is a mess of tubes and wheels and many Hyperbole and a Half moments where I can never manage to think about the three levels when it's go time.

In early summer, bosslady and I started talking about cutting my hours and I felt That Moment. And . . .I didn't have all the pretty words that Gordon has or a way to articulate it right because I didn't even realize I was doing it. But I had a Shrödinger’s Cat moment and I started shoaling like whoa. I didn't know I was doing it because I didn't have the words, though I had the actions.

So I started thinking, okay, if my hours get cut, I can collect a little bit of unemployment, we can cut off our delicious delicious tv for a while and use the farmer's markets to eat more produce and it will be okay. My boss never cut my hours, but I immediately started working on other projects in a slow steady manner. I managed to land a respectable freelance writer gig that pays decently well for writing and allows me to work as much or as little on it as I can manage.

When shit started getting real around the office as we say in Jersey, my boss let me know that unless something major changes, we're going to be out of business by the end of the year. Gordon in his infinite kindness when this all started to go down, said, you should write this. Make your blog into a book, make it happen. And a few weeks later, it went from shoaling to a black swan moment. All the while, I had been doing magic - japa, candle devotions, mojo bags and hands, a honey pot. I had been trying to write a kitchen witch book for years, but it never came together right. One day after work, I went home and wrote enough notes to see that it could be a book.

Since then, things have been happening fast. I calculated my potential unemployment with a little freelance writing and realized I could easily take a couple months off, perhaps three. During that time, I can write my outline and really get down to brass tacks in making magical supplies for Trevia. I can write a few fiction outlines (though, to be honest, while I had always thought I'd be a fiction writer, most of the gigs I'm getting are nonfiction, so perhaps not or perhaps not as a staple). After the three months, I would be able to do enough content writing with a bit of freelancing to make approximately what I am making now.

All of these things that I've wanted - to make my own hours, to work from home, to be able to have many small streams of income shoal together into one actual income seem to be coming together. If this were to happen and my book was to be accepted, I would be able to really hustle and promote it, unfettered.

And it's sped up even faster this week. Jow and I put together a really solid plan for Trevia on Monday while sitting at a posh bar in the middle of the day. And during this week, I used another one of Gordon's tricks, A Secret Spell Booster Enchant in Real Time. I'm scared to say it because the ink is not yet dry on the paper, but if one of the things I am working on gets final finalized, my freelance writing is going to be boosted into a whole new arena, allowing me to write lifestyle pieces in addition to content writing. I've also submitted four pagan pieces this week which would be really good on my resume for the book potentially.

I'm not going to lie, I'm exhausted and vomity feeling about all this. If my company does go under (and that seems likely) by year end, the potential to have the professional life I really have always wanted is right there in front of me. And I have been hustling hard for it. But right now, that's all it is, is potential. I could suck working from home, I could suck writing/crafting for a career, I could wind up having to work retail again. It's all just spinning right now and I don't know where the arrow will stop.

But dear goddess, how I am trying. And every bit of will I have in me right now is working to make my own luck and to be more than a barely published sickly secretary who can't work a regular 9-5. Every black swan moment since this started, there has been a constant devotional in the back of my head. Please just let me succeed as a career writer and crafter. Please let everything I've worked for and tried at and failed at and succeeded at be leading up to this.

I am who I am who I am who I am/ Requesting some enlightenment/ Could I have been anyone other than me?

Gather around, my children of the corn, it's time for a personal statement of purpose. I'm not talking a magical one, though my PEH summed up my magical one quite nicely as radical practicality. We're talking about me.

Some magicians/occultists/your cat who does magic/whatever would prefer to see magic more as science, factual by results and comforting through the written word. But here's the thing, nothing is unbiased. Not science, certainly. After all science once believed the sun circled the earth, men were smarter than women due to brain weight and that people of color were empirically less intelligent than white people.

Not you, not me, not anyone is unbiased. When you step into your magical circle, into the forest, into the kitchen, you don't magically shed your biases. Neither does anyone else. Susan doesn't stop being mad at you for boning her husband, Alan doesn't stop thinking that you're a cheapskate because you always bring dessert and never a main dish for feast, etc., etc, etc.

Where I am going with this is that a big part of who I am as a person is a feminist (in case the Dianic Wicca part didn't tip you off). I got my college degree in Women's Studies. I've worked for and been paid by the National Organization for Women. I'm part of the Amethyst Circle of Sisters (my Dianic group). And when I do magic and when I write about magic, this doesn't turn off.

I am the first to say I come from a place of privilege - I'm a white middle class American citizen and I do constantly examine my place of privilege. But that also means I'm constantly contemplating others' privileges and the places I come from that aren't privileged when I am treated as lesser for my less privileged aspects. And I can't shut that off. Jow and I have had many discussions about privledge, to the point that he can recognize when Not Cool Shit is Going Down. And it can be a drag. We were minding our own business watching Warehouse 13 when he said, "Oh man, it's totally happen on my show! Noooooooooooooo! There are these three women of color who have magical capabilities and are bad ass in their own right but here it is, random white dude coming in to supervise and he's not even magical! Why is he in charge? Oh man! I can't shut this off! I can't stop seeing it! Grrrrrrrr!"

And for some of us who have spent a lot of time examining our own privledge and all the ways big and small various people get treated as lesser, that's exactly what it is. I can't shut it off. Not just because we're talking about magic and here in our safe little corner of the blogosphere people have disagreements and hissy fits but we all respect each other as equals, not because it makes you uncomfortable, not because you don't want to talk about it here, not because some of my experiences of being treated like crap by my so called magical brothers and sisters make you feel awkward. Never. I can't shut it off until everything's right when it comes to race/gender/sexuality/class/ableism and um that's not going to happen any time in my life time in all likelihood, sadly.

And you don't have to like it or agree and you don't have to read me if it bothers you, you can't all like me or love me as charming as I am. But it's not going away in any of my writing. And some of my bias *is* when it comes to the larger occult community and higher magic, because of how I've been treated there. Maybe the "battle" about how people treat each other magically and who is respected more than who due to their lineage and teachings is over for you and that's cool. But it's not over for me, I still fight it every day. I still get treated like I do Barbie magic every day of my damn life (among other things) and I won't pretend the battle is over to make you feel comfortable. Because you know what? It's not over for me and that's my experience which is as valid as yours. This blog is about my magical experience and my views on privilege is part of it.

Don't get me wrong. I got upgraded to Business Class for the first time and dear goddess, it's awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesome! There's, like, as much booze as you can pour down your throat in a three hour flight, more leg room, as much tv as you want to watch, bejeweled to play, food, real actual good food that's not chock full of fat and served on plates. Who the hell would willingly want to give it up? There are some feminists who would argue that one must in order to be a good global citizen. I don't think it's possible though, honestly. What I *do* think is possible is to be honest with yourself about your privilege, to examine it and to realize that just because you may see Ted as Ted, not Ted the gay black dude, that doesn't mean that Ted feels the same way. Ted may see you as Arnold the white dude who is my friend but gets out of traffic violations much easier and has a larger dating pool and has not been disowned by his family for being who he is.

It's the instinct of many to want to downplay others' negative experiences from being treated as lesser, whether on the street or in the work place or in the magical community because man, you're not like that. But it's much harder to consider that just because *you* aren't like that doesn't mean that Ted doesn't get treated like shit in big and small ways in a lot of other places. And to my mind, the best way to deal with your privilege isn't to fall on your knees and apologize for others' douchebag reactions even if you have a lot of privilege personally. The right thing to do isn't to tell Ted that he's being too sensitive either and people aren't like that anymore. The best thing, the most right thing you can do from your place of privledge is simple. You say, Wow, Ted. That really sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And hug him if that's your thing.

Fin.

I don't know what he meant to me/ I just know he affected me/ an affect not unlike his art/ I believe . . .

ADF has confirmed that Isaac Bonewits has passed this morning. I didn't know him well, but I did know him a little. I attended his lectures, etc. Years ago, when I was a much more nubile young pagan, my grove decided it would be fun to have him sign bits of us like a rock star at a pagan picnic. He signed my side. I think that picture will be resurfacing shortly, at my grove's Lammas if nothing else.

I have been away a lot in the last couple weeks, I need to catch up on the blogosphere. I've been dealing with a lot of stressful life stuff, I will likely blog about the magic aspects of it here in a separate post.

I'm leading Lammas for GoG which is part of ADF. In January, the idea was to do something fun, a carnival theme, it was before things started going awry. When speaking about it again a month or two ago, the senior druid (SD) and I started talking about the theme being A Carnival of Sacrifice with the tagline being, Sacrifice, hooray! As it got closer and Isaac got worse and the general weather in many of the grove's heads got cloudier, we quietly packed up the carnival idea.

I started getting instruction from a deity I didn't recognize. Usually deities show themselves in a dream or I get enough cues that I could put it together. He (I was at the time pretty sure he was a he) had specific requests: lots of bread, cheese, branston pickle, and sacrifice. I was like, um, that's not a ritual per se with a v. small hot kitchen. ::radio silence:: Hoooooooookay.

I started researching sacrifice from an ADF standpoint and while it was informative from a historical standpoint and why we're not supposed to do public blood sacrifice/juggle hedgehogs, it wasn't helping me until I got to the wicker man part.

I started thinking how lots about how festivals do huge wicker men (like Burning Man) and I started thinking about how we could maybe do tiny handsized wicker poppets symbolizing the sacrifices we each made through the year and then ask for something back from our gods.

I wasn't sure if my SD would go for it. I insisted on Jamaican food for our pre-planning meeting because I felt we needed to eat at a place that serves goat for this rit. We talked, we figured out that the god in my head was Cernunnos which she found pretty funny on a lot of levels:

1. My Wiccan experience is strictly *not* dickly - Dianic. So we really always glossed over the whole Great God aspect as in, we ignored Him. So I've always expressed curiosity about the whole Great Rite/Stick in Cup/Co-ed Circle thing, but have never managed to make it one. My Dianic circle's crone and my SD think it's funny that it's honestly a product of being third wave/never having to fight The Man in a Wiccan context that I only have the vaguest idea about all of that, so it makes me a pretty blank slate when it comes to Cernunnos.

2. I'm vague at best when it comes to Celtic stuff. I can't keep who's who straight in my head, how to say the names, what story is what. The only thing that has stuck at all is The Morrigan and it's still a pretty foreign concept, this idea that Cernunnos and The Morrigan isn't (1) deity per se, it's more like a job title and it's a bunch of horned deities and battle chicks who work for Cernunnos, Inc. and The Morrigan-Co.

But, I got a similar signal as Buffy did in the original movie, when Cernunnos' name came up as a possible deity to work with, everything inside me heaved. I don't typically feel a damn thing or see anything magically, it's not where I excel. I wanted to be more visceral in my magical pursuits, I guess He figured it doesn't get more visceral than that. I felt the light bulb click on as I felt the oxtail move in my stomach, so victory I guess. We decided on the likely course of action for the rit would be to make a traditional bread man with a hole inside him for all of us to put joss paper in for the holiday/sacrifice/asking something of the gods/etc and then burning the breadman vessel. It will be much less time intensive than making a bunch of small wicker people and safer for the fire.

I found it interesting that the SD shied away from the idea of sacrifice some, probably due to a lot of unpleasant mandatory connotations in a bunch of religious context. I don't want to make anyone do anything they don't want to and I am a *huge* fan of the "pass" option in a religious context but I also don't want to water down what the intent here is. I'm not going to make anyone do anything, at the same time "sacrifice" is a very large concept. You sacrifice just to show up, you know? I'm not going to make this a druidic holy roller drag of a rit but sacrifice *is* part of the ADF rit and we've been downplaying it in my grove for a long time. It will be interesting and there will be a group planning meeting for the rit this Sunday, so that will help get a stronger grasp on everything and where the larger group's collective head is. If you don't care enough to show up for the planning meeting then don't bitch about the rit is our grove's unofficial motto.

On a more personal level, there's been a lot of stuff going on in my personal life that has brought up a lot of personal baggage for me, mostly stuff to do with being comfortable in the body I'm in. Since the divorce, my self confidence and my self image have plummeted a lot and I haven't fully recovered.

I didn't really need to get into a whole post-divorce slutting around phase, it wasn't anything particularly new or interesting to me. So I didn't get a lot of sudden stranger validation like a lot of new divorcees get (Jow said my reaction was to hiss and basically be like, YOU'RE ONLY INTERESTED BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M VURNERABLE AND LIABLE TO MAKE BAD CHOICES RIGHT NOW BY SLEEPING WITH YOU! BACK OFF!),

Also, I'm trying to get rid of my post-divorce baggage hardcore. Because, I still have a version of myself that's keeping me down - The Bad Wife Who Did Everything Wrong and Drove My Wasband to Madness and Divorce. And fuck a whole lot of that. I took responsibility for the things I did wrong in the marriage and how to become a better person, as the always lovely Sars said, just because someone hands you a bag of rocks doesn't mean you have to carry it. And I've been carrying that bag of rocks for almost two years now. I'm going to make a small wickergirl dressed as The Bad Wife Who Did Everything Wrong and Drove My Wasband to Madness and Divorce. Then I am going to mother. fucking. burn her in my cauldron and keep moving. I'm too fabulous for this shit.

Almost Famous

So, that article at the top of Witchvox, that would be me.

I'm sort of surprised, it was supposed to take months and it only took like two weeks. I didn't even know it was up to be honest until I got some fan mail.

I'm v. unglamorous at the moment. My hair is messily back in a ponytail and I don't even have a bra on, in my pjs at nearly 5p, busily freelance writing to pay for a wedding (not mine) I'm going to this week that I have by now lost all interest in. My cat is omg smelly next to me and I just scarfed down a piece of tilapia that I made using the microwave. My living room is only clean because Jow cleaned it last night. My sink overflows with dishes, my dining room is overflowing with mail and I think I've failed yet again at my latest attempt to make incense. I am in no way shape or form packed or ready for next week's wedding trip.

So, hi new people! Glad you're here. Here I am in all my glory!

On Blood and Sacrifice

As we know, I can't be bothered to read a lot of heavily theory based books because I get bored and tap out. So don't expect a well referenced article here, just my personal experience.

Starting out as a Dianic Wiccan, the blood of choice to focus on was of course menstrual. While myself and the younger prissier witches among us turned our noses up at the idea of doing rituals involving menstrual blood, we were regaled nonetheless about the ye olde 70's by the older witches and their menstrual blood rituals.

As I aged some, I was less prissy about it and invested in a diva cup which I use on the regular, to the dismay of the triumverte. The cup was handy in also being able to neatly pour menstrual blood into my watering can into my garden. When I had my little container garden (I do have plans to resume that next year), I did feel a closer connection to the land. It made me feel like I was doing something sacred, something important by tending to my tiny pots (complete with tiny garden gnome) in my bare feet on my balcony. Watering them with my blood strengthened that bond too I suppose. It didn't feel all rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh POWERFUL!!!!!!!1111!!! It felt nice. I don't know how else to describe it. Nice. Peaceful. I suppose theoretically, I could have used my garden to bind everyone who stepped foot in my house to me in some kind of crazy Sicilian Marinara Vaulderie Ritae, but that wasn't really my intent. I liked feeling like something that came from me could grow something else, it made me feel linked to the land strongly and it felt, I dunno, v. circle of life somehow.

Of course, let's be real here. We all went through a phase where we wanted to be taken supersrsly in the magical community and to prove how badass we were. What's more bad ass to someone likely under the age of 25? Blood magic. Menstrual blood is a good starting place if you're a lady-type, but really it's not like you have to work for it, it just happens. No, there needs to be stabbity and teeth gnashing, and I don't know, whatever other tough poses you undergo when you get your finger pricked at the doctor's office. Because! It's not like it's all that easy for many of us to get serious needles. Lancets, sure. Needles, not so much. And if you're cutting yourself with a knife, well, that's a problem in most cases that many people seek help for. So, you know, once you realize that finger pricking is likely to be the extent of your practice and that your super manly six year old cousin Andy can handle it with a Hello Kitty bandaid and a lollipop, you need to stop and ask yourself what you're hoping to get out of it.

At the time when I first started investigating, the general view of the more . . .god, is White Lighter a nice term? I mean it nicely, I don't know why people get all bitchy to them, they make all of us in the occult community look at least relatable to non-Pagan/Occultist/Whatever kind of special snowflake you are, most of us at least started there. When Mothra is feeling benevolent, she calls me a Wiccan instead of a godless atheist so I pretty much take it and like it. Anyway! WL'ers tended to see using blood magic as an atom bomb. Which. . . .I suppose if you're sacrificing maidens in your backyard, it would be.

If animals are killed in ritual, it's kinder and more gentle than the American meat industry and the animal is eaten and its parts are used, so I have no qualm there. I have not as yet participated in any kind of animal sacrifice rite, but I would like to fish and hunt my way up the food chain. I figure it's the least I can do with a quasi-Shamanic background. It's all well and good to eat meat that comes wrapped all nice and neat, it's another to do the work. I want to make sure I can handle the process, if I can't I should be a vegetarian in my opinion. Luckily, my gf grew up on a farm so we have plans eventually in that general direction.

But what about the finger prick of blood? Well, ADF at one point STRONGLY discouraged it. My grove being the backwater snake handlers of the tradition of course rushed to make pamphlets discussing how we are strongly discouraged (but not forbidden) to do blood sacrifice or juggle porcupines (the genesis there is a little fuzzy). Now it seems we're forbidden to do it in ritual setting at least.

So when to use it? Okay, so it's not the toughest expression of sacrifice, and there are other expressions of sacrifice (hard work, things made from your hands, wine, etc.) but it is still an expression of sacrifice. You still have to take that little tack like needle and jam it into your finger. It still hurts. It's still a tiny piece of your life force, something that is uniquely you. It's still one of the preferred personal concerns in hoodoo. If you can manage to contain yourself from using it for everythang and keep it as a sometimes food (like cursing), that keeps it as a special kind of sacrifice. For me, I only use it when I really, really want something. I got my wasband housing many many many moons ago, and I got myself the perfect rabbit burrow condo using it. I can count on one handish the amount of times I've used it, I only use it when I am v. serious about something or making a v. serious offering to the land or a deity.

Some deities do like it, but if you make that an every day food for them, be prepared to go through a lot of needles and be prepared for them to not like the idea of you breaking up with them and taking away your delicious delicious life essence. Some deities really don't like it at all, so do your homework before starting a teeny dollhouse sized CSI blood spatter for your gods.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Sigils and the Dilettante

Jow knows stuff. He knows all sorts of scholarly occult things and higher magic that I am generally indifferent to bother stuffing into my brain. Give up precious brain real estate occupied by GossipGirl, Toddlers & Tiaras, and gossip keeping up with my loved ones? I think not. But occasionally, I do need information that I generally can't be bothered with. Jow is a Serious Scholar, so he only has so much space for Blair and Serena. Jow reads so many books he has to get a Nook, court ordered by me and the cats so we don't die in bookalanche. Jow likes to make notes and use little post it flag thingies to annotate the books he reads . . .for fun.

So yes, I suppose I could slog through all these tomes myself when I need info I cannot readily find in my teeny tiny resource library I keep for myself in the house. Oooooooooooooor I could cross examine Jow who's already done the work.

Picking the right moment is critical. Preferably when he's not expecting it. I recommend teeth brushing time before bed.

Me: How do sigils work?

Jow (looks startled and suspicious as he always does when I express interest in a magical area as he knows this will lead to me questioning him like a bad neighbor on Judge Judy and then to use the information in ways that are not specifically approved by his authors. He tries to stall and buy time by having a mouthful of toothpaste. I am undeterred.): Well . . .there's a chaos method that uses [something about how to make words into sigils].

Me: I knew that. Weird! How did I know that!

Jow: I. . .don't know?

Me: Did we go to a lecture about it?

Jow: I don't think so?

Me: Weird! It's not like I read a whole lot on magical theory. Huh. Where did I pick that up because I knew that word for word? Did we read a book together?

Jow: Maybe?

Me: So, okay you can like use planetary sigils or geomatic sigils--

Jow: Yes.

Me: And other stuff, like angelic things or whatever --

Jow: Yes.

Me: But is this a formal thing? Or can you make up your own symbology?

Jow (looks suspious as to what I need this information for): Yes. There's a long history of people making up their own sigils--

Me: Awesome. Thanks.

Jow: Why?

Me: No reason.


I had previously more or less ignored sigil work because it wasn't fitting anywhere into my practice really until I went to Arisia with Miss Spice who taught me a really need trick!

Super Easy Secret Sigil Work for Anything

Items needed:
1 eyeshadow brush
1 bottle hand sanitizer (they even make them super teeny)
Knowledge of some kind of sigil system or your imagination

Contemplate what you are trying to accomplish. For me, I generally want people to like me and thinking I'm charming (Venus) but um not like me too much (protection sigil). If you are feeling especially creative, thinking about where would be good places to place these sigils. I keep it simple by putting them on the inside of my wrists, but you may be the creative type. In which case, maybe over the root chakra to get laid and protective sigils on your back so your back is being watched.

Squirt a teeny tiny amount of hand sanitizer onto your eyeshadow brush. If you don't like the idea of using an eyeshadow brush, get a tiny paint brush. I just happen to reliably have an eyeshadow brush on me at any given time typically, as does Miss Spice so it's functional for us.

Concentrate on what you're trying to accomplish, feel free to say some kind of chant or spell or psalm or whatever gets you off. I personally just focus and concentrate and then I draw the sigils on the inside of my wrists. Hand sanitizer feels cold and shows in a clear gel on your skin for a few moments so it's a good way to actualize whatever you're trying to do. I couldn't remember what planet to use for protection and had no idea what book to find it in (Jow made me a cheat sheet today because he's cool like that) so I decided to draw a set of brass knuckles on one of my wrists which worked perfectly. Because it's hand santizer and clear, it dries and no one can see it after a minute or two but you know it's there. Bonus! Clean eyeshadow brush.

Panic, Meditation, and the Dilettante

Many parties on my blogosphere talk about how meditation is the cornerstone of their practice. And I really respect that, but it's not the cornerstone of mine. And at first I felt like a complete dilettante about that. What? Sit quietly for an hour? What kind of girl do you think I am? I don't *do* that!

It's not that I haven't tried. I have, meditation was part of my ADF druid dedicant program. The issue, the real issue, that took me years to get to the heart of is that I can't do traditional meditation because of my panic disorder.

I've done what I'm supposed to do, I've sat on the couch, I take meds (delicious, delicious meds! O how I love thee!), I've found god(dess)(es), I've come to terms with the things that caused that in me. But here's the thing, it doesn't go away. Some people think that's what therapy/meds is supposed to. Congratulations! You're healed of years of abuse, bad relationships, bad decisions, and living with a debilitating condition! Go! Be free! Live a normal life!

It would be kick ass if it *did* work that way, but it doesn't. I get better at living with it, at managing it, so much so that people who've only known me as an adult (especially past the age of 25) forget how damaged I am, which is flattering. But it's still there. And real, true, emptying my mind meditation triggers a panic attack in me every time. I don't know all the hows and the whys, but I do know some, just like I know some of why going to the movies at a theater does the same and drinking caffeine. At the end of the day, this isn't something you can always logic your way out of. Your body is reacting in a real, visceral, primal way and it doesn't care if you say, "Oh no body! We're not *really* in danger! It's fine, really." Because often, your body's response is, "OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" until it's done.

Some magic users have gone so far as to say they didn't think you could be an effective magic user without meditation. I've asked what should I do due to my body's chemical reaction (also? Fibro? Not the greatest for long term meditation) and no one had any kind of answer for me. This was devastating to me. I wanted to be a real live girl and no blue fairy had any sort of answer for me as to how to get past this.

So for a while I gave up. That's right, I gave the fuck up. It was exhausting enough trying to lead a "normal" life, if I couldn't ever do this, well it's unlikely I'll ever run a marathon either or be president.

I don't have the answers for everyone, I can only speak for myself. But I don't think really many people have talked about what to do if you have a disability(ies) that prevent you from having a full, rich meditiational life. So, let me tell you what I've found for myself.

How to be Magically Delicious Without Emptying Your Mind Meditation


Why can't you meditate? If you don't know why, really know why, you're not going to be able to figure out the actual heart of your magical practice so do some serious soul searching to figure out why. Even if your reason is "I don't want to", go deeper than than and think about why you don't want to.

Redefine meditation for yourself. My japa practice has been something I've done every night without fail since late December. It gives me the benefits that meditation is supposed to give people - relaxing, focusing, clearing my mind, etc. My brain/body can handle a full 108 every night and it's really helped my personal practice. Guided meditation such as the IPM and visiting my own internal hearth can really be helpful for me. When I am not strong enough to clean my actual hearth, cleaning my internal hearth really helps keep me sane, I can also visit with my god/desses there. Other things that help me: cooking, cleaning, baking bread. Don't discount those practices, they can really help you develop your magical practice if you treat them as meditational practice.

What is it you're trying to accomplish with magic? I have to be blunt, I'm not looking to talk to angels. I'm not looking to call in any kind of super serious spirit that needs to be confiiiiiiiiiined by my dark aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts! I like having an occasional meditation chat with my god/desses, I like trying to build a better me on my path - to be faster, stronger, sexxxier. For me that really equates to: having a magical practice to call my own, having enough money to pay my bills and occasionally travel and buy a ridiculous purse, get in better shape, writing, and crafting. All of this can be accomplished with low magic. So if I personally don't need or really even want anything that can be accomplished with higher magic, why do I keep torturing myself? It's ridiculous. I personally have yet to go into any situation that could not be solved with mundane means or low magic. It could happen, but . . .it hasn't. So why am I preparing for some kind of magical apocalypse if I don't need to? For me, it has been far more beneficial for me to stop torturing myself about things I wasn't trying to accomplish in my practice anyway and get better honing my practice to accomplish the things I *am* trying to accomplish, none of which require a huge meditational practice.

If what you are trying to accomplish does require it, it's going to be a difficult path so make sure it's worth it to you. You may want to start looking up Rinpoches who have experience with disability and meditations.

You still need a cornerstone in your practice. If meditation isn't your cornerstone, what is? Really stop and think about it. My cornerstone is my hearth. My magic happens in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom (if you know what I'm sayin!), using household tools. It's my chantry, my sanctuary, my safe space, my temple. So I need to focus on making sure my hearth is in order, which is where the majority of my magical practice lies with offerings being a second and spellwork being a third.

Building an Amazon Bad Ass . . .Through Books.

My PEH, Gordon asked us what 10 books would we use to try to build a mage/witch/magic user/whatever of a specific bent. I decided to build an Amazon Bad Ass (specializing in Hearth Witchery). I liked that Gordon allowed for fiction. In the comments, as you can see, everyone (my Jow included) picked v. lofty books for their lists, I only really overlap with people on my choices for #2. and #6. I would be curious to see what would happen if the challenge happened (someone has access only to the books we've given them and no previous knowledge of what we're trying to impart onto them). I'm guessing she would be confused by my choices, probably. ;p But it's a sincere look into my brain and how I became the kind of pagan/magic user/hearth woman I am.

I am building a Bad Ass Amazon (specializing in hearth witchery)

1. Someplace to be Flying (Charles Delint) (fiction) - a must have for the urban shaman

2. Evolutionary Witchcraft (Thorn Coyle) - her Iron Pentacle Meditation is unbelievably hard core. An amazon needs some reclaimst in her.

3. Eat, Love, Pray (Elizabeth Gilbert)(memoir) - for her inevitable identity meltdown. It made me want to run off to an ashram and started me on my daily japa practice.

4. Palimpsest (fiction) (Catherynne M. Valente) - a book about a sexually transmitted dream city you visit in your sleep. Need I really say more? Okay. It opened my heart up in ways I can't even describe. I tell Cat she makes me cry more than anything else. It was a bit embarassing seeing her tour with SJ Tucker when they read a piece from the book about the opera and Sooj sang and I just cried and cried in a full room full of people. It made me see the world more magically again.

5. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths (Ingri d'Aulaire & Edgar Parin d'Aulaire) (children's book) - This book made me a pagan, it planted the seed in the children's room in the library. Other pagans have said the same thing. Concisely lays out the Olympians.

6. Hoodoo Root & Herb Magic (Cat Yronwode) - A must source book for all of one's charms and hexes

7. Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual and Training With Miss Abernathy (Christina Abernathy) - Even if you're not kinked, it's a good primer on how to be service oriented. As someone who has kitchen witched for rituals, Thanksgivings, and funeral repasts great and small, it helps to get organized.

8. Real Simple magazine: A monthly magazine that teaches organization, budgeting, meal planning, etiquette, and other day to day life must haves. I cut out articles and recipes. You will need this for anything from knowing what to bring as a hostess gift to what to make for dinner on a Wednesday on a budget to how to start investing.

9. The Spirit Ways (Eric Taylor, Rachel Barth, Scott Cohen, and John Snead) (WW RPG) - How shamanism makes sense to me.

10. Spiral Dance (Starhawk) - You always remember your first. I *love* that she revises it every five years to be like, this was wrong, this was totally fucked up, I do this now, etc. It's also a really good Dianic primer.

What would you pick?

You shut your mouth/ how can you say/ I go about things the wrong way?

Jow says that my many years of Catholicism come out especially when I do magic. Because when in doubt, I Cast Science at it. He says my vetting process as to whether or not something is magical is similar to the Vatican when attempting to prove a miracle. I am also told that this is not as fun at magical gatherings as *I* perhaps think.

It's not that I don't believe that superwonky shit can happen magically, it's that I don't believe it just because someone's telling me it happened.

How to Make Me (and Other Right Brained People) at Least Contemplate Your Story as True:

* Cross Examination. This is the segment especially disliked by Jow as it either sucks the fun out of the story he's telling me or something about how it embarrasses him at an occult party. Look, I watch a lot of Judge Judy and she does typically have a way of ferreting out details of the story from people. But if you can answer sensible questions like, "Really? Okay, when's the last time he ate?" "Which drugs was she rolling on that night?" "Has he tried looking for a job using boring items such as internet job searching and going to job fairs?" in a reasonable manner, then I'm more inclined to consider your magical act as possible.

* Multiple Factors. Your story is way more believable to me if you include "real world" possibilities in it. Such as: "I started to think maybe the house was haunted after having an exterminator, plumber, and contractor by. Also I found an article where it said that there were twelve murders in the house in 1812." or "I made a kick ass money hand that really helped the money keep coming in, along with some temp work and quilting."

* Admit Mistakes. This is surprisingly difficult for some of our occultist brethren, but I'm a lot more inclined to believe your story about how the sky opened up and started raining frogs in your living room if it's also prefaced with, "So, um, it seemed that I made an error in translating the text. I thought it called for six dead frogs but really it was four live bats. . . "

* Put it into Context. For instance, everyone rolls their eyes about the gamer who uses his or her gaming system as magical practice. OMG UR DOIN IT RONG! YOU MAKE THE REST OF US LOOK BAD! A few people have drunkenly confessed to me that Mage: The Ascension makes more sense to them magically than anything nonfiction they've read. Well, duh. Uncle Phil Brucato helped write it. He also wrote about real world magic for a Pagan magazine. White Wolf also worked much harder than other gaming publishers (I'm looking at you, Wizards of the Coast) to promote gender and race equality and when they wrote magical systems that came from indigenous people, they generally tried to get their facts straight. Were the actual facts always reported correctly? Were the systems of magic always related accurately? Um, no. But people, we argue with each other about things that are presented as *non* fiction and the questionable fact checking there (see: Silver Raven Wolf, Edain McCoy, DJ Conway, Alstair Crowley, etc., etc). So if The Spirit Ways works for you and you can put it into context, then rock out. But context means that some of the concepts resonate with you and you've been able to incorporate them into your magical work, not thinking you're an ascended master, brah.


How Does This Translate into Your Meat Life, Deb?

Firstly, my friends are surprisingly laissez-faire about my foray into the Dark Arts. Most only vaguely believe magic is possible, but they seem to think it's therapeutic for me so whatever. I have only just completed my first full trick involving the Dark Arts (. . . I suppose insisting on using a Harry Potter reference to talk about doing ill intended magic doesn't help my case about this being srs work) yesterday so it is far too soon to tell if it worked or not, but I can say with absolute surety at the very least I feel better about the situation so it's done that much for me already. The rest remains to be seen. But I can't see myself taking all the "credit" for whatever happens with the situation I did my trick about, there's a lot of other factors involved too. Maybe it is just internal therapy. Who knows? But I feel like I could answer reasonable questions about it if it does (in my estimation) work, and if it doesn't or backlashes, I know I could admit those mistakes too. The more you know!

Secondly, I am indeed one of those people, bringing the rest of us down. Let me be honest, nothing I've ever learned in magic has stuck to me entirely. I choose to not be Catholic anymore, saying psalms as part of my magical practice in hoodoo squicks me. I'm a white girl in the suburbs with some shamanic training. I can't be bothered to cast a circle every freaking time I want to accomplish something magically. The whole adf ritual is a great public ritual, but privately? No thank you. I've been too shy to go to a Hindu temple and too far out in the 'burbs to get much formal Yoruba training. And those are just the parts that stuck, that's not even counting the much larger sandbox of things that haven't been able to stick at *all* that I am now constantly pestering others and reading about just to better educate myself.

While, yes, I ran a teeny tiny con that had many people thinking that I wore corsets and striped stockings and drank tea out of a matching tea set on the regular (which, gentle readers, is shamefully not so. Even while running it, I was more likely to be found wearing yoga pants and a tshirt drinking bagged tea out of a chipped mug) and I appreciated the gothic aesthetic primarily for dress up purposes and then reluctantly secondarily for the music, as an older goth, it's not something you would immediately peg about me. I also don't really believe (most days) that the world is just an exercise in nihilism.

I will confess, in magical practice at least, I identify most with being a Hollow One, more than any real life tradition. But why? I mean, firstly because the world takes a rather dim view on people trying to actually play out the Euthantos paradigm in an exciting but impractical Boondock Saints sort of manner and frankly I haven't even killed a deer as yet, let alone a person. But joking aside, I do believe in Romance as an archetype. The way I feel about death, the after life, and rebirth is shaky and uncertain at best, though certainly hopeful about it. My view is more agnostic than dogmatic about all that. I tend to do magic simply, using whatever I have around the house most of the time (which is why Gordon's grocery posts make me so happy). I try not to cobble together stuff in a non sensible sort of way (Yemaya and Kali Ma walk into a bar . . .), but I will change something if it doesn't make sense to me. Though I try to learn as much as I can about it first. And if no one is around to help me figure out what to and there's no information I can easily find . . .I make it up. Because, if it works, then it works. And if it doesn't, well that's my problem now isn't it?