[New Year, New You] Final Public Writing Prompt: Wheel of Morality Turn, Turn, Turn, Tell Us the Lesson that We Must Learn

I feel weirdly sad about this being our last public prompt together, Charmers.  I'd probably feel more sad if  I had slept like a normal human being last night but I had been sleeping fitfully since 3:30a and then not at all since 5a.  Good times.  Lots of weird anxiety for some reason.  All of this naturally is tres sexy for Valentine's Day.

Anyway.  This week's prompt is simple, reflect on the last nine weeks and talk about what you've learned.  About yourself, about goal setting, about your magical practice, whatever was meaningful to you.  Also reflect on where you would like to see yourself heading now that you've accomplished what you've accomplished.

Non-participating Charmers, I appreciate how patient you've been with this process and how kind you've been to myself and others during this time.  You can now look forward to a return of what passes for normal blogging here.

Participating Charmers, this time together has been v. meaningful to me and I've appreciated how you've made me laugh and cry and have let me in on a v. private part of your lives.  It's been an awesome experience bonding together and I am a better person for it and I thank you for that.

Go forth, be excellent to each other.

[New Year, New You] Weekly Writing Prompt: Asking for Help

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.


Oh man, if last week's prompt was about as popular as polyps, you're gonna really love this week's prompt.

It's been interesting doing this Experiment so far because without even really intending to do so, we've sort of built an Egregor where most of us are generally on the same page.  If one of us is dragging ass, most of us are dragging ass, if most of us are having a rrrrrrrrrrrreow I own you kind of week, most of us are.  It's so strange and amazing and magical seeing all the synchronicities.  I'd be totes freaked out about it except even my panic is now on a tight schedule.

So, we're all getting tired and getting worn.  We're all starting to lose hope and faith in ourselves, in our goals, in our ability to do what we've set out.  All the doubts are getting bigger than our intentions.

You tell them to shut the fuck up.  Right now.  You have work to do.


So with that established (and, a friendly reminder that it's only Feb and there will be a follow up course so there's no need to start breathing into a bag just yet as we still have plenty of time to continue to be awesome), this week's prompt is about asking someone for help.  Most of us hate that shit with a hating that fires a thousand suns.  Asking for help feels almost like admitting defeat.  And by defeat, I mean admitting that you're not invincible.

Well.  You're not.  Sorry.


Asking for help can include exciting areas such as: needing medical attention in some area, starting therapy, asking your SO to do something for you around the house while you work on your goals, confiding in a friend about something that has been weighing on your mind and getting their input on the matter and considering that input, having someone read and critique your resume or writing, getting a trainer at the gym, attending a support group or asking someone else for input on your magical project (while I am far from omnipotent, if your project is not ceremonial based, I have a pretty good gen ed in magic matters.  Feel free to contact me at corvaxgirl  [at]    gmail    [dottie]    com, just let me know which blog is your and let me know you're part of the Experiment).

Go forth!

[New Year, New You] Weekly Writing Prompt: Shoulder to the Wheel

Me: I'm tired.

My Muse (gently): I know.

Me: Sometimes this gets really hard and I feel really lost and like I'm a hamster on a wheel, running, running, running.  I surrendered myself to this Experiment, to you.  But sometimes I don't know what that means and it scares me.  I can't even do divination for anything right now, it's all spinning so fast.  Am I my best?  Will this mean something?  Will all these 6a mornings and late nights and tiredness count?  Will I get ahead and finally not be in debt?  Will I screw that up like I always do?  Will I gain the weight I lost back?  Will I fuck everything up for myself like I always do?  Will Jow leave me if I get successful like others have?  Will I get my social life back?  Am I going in the right direction?  Will my book be good?  Will my course be good?  Will my crafts be good?  Will I be good?

My Muse: This is where it's important, where it's hard and you can't see in front of you and the forest is dark.  This is where you have to believe, which you've never been good at.  This is where you can't give up.  This is where you have to keep trying, even when you're not even sure what that means, even if it feels like sometimes no one else really understands all the Work you're doing.  It's important.  You're changing your insides, one piece of a star at a time.   You can do this.  You need to do this.  This is where you start to become who you want to be.  I believe in you or I never would have chosen you.  Keep pushing, tiny one.  Keep pushing.  In the meantime, you should smoke a bowl asap, you've earned it.


So we've been doing all these awesome things to help our goals and make sure that we're looking at these goals from all sides which is great holistic work to keep us moving forward and to make sure that nothing is overlooked.  But this week it's important to work on specific things to further your goals.  What's the hardest thing for you to do?  What do you keep putting off?  Do it now.  Grit your teeth and push, baby.  You're making something beautiful, don't stop now.   Show the universe what kind of wonders you're capable of this week.

[New Year, New You] Glamour and You

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.


Okay, so I know I totes promised that I'd start doing moon phases, etc. again but the truth of the matter is that a lot of my correspondence and blog writing is now being done during nap times (I'm a nanny by day) on (kindly lent) borrowed computers so I can't really save images, access my links, etc. (I know I could if I really wanted to but nap time is a finite period, Charmers)

We're drawing to a close on the first part of the Experiment, though there will be an eCourse offered right after this ends.  I just signed my copy editor for it so that it will be more polished than my blogging and it will be done as an automated email.  What that means is that you'll sign up and be able to get each lesson straight to your email box.  I will also have a Google group for people who are continuing with the Experiment to share their work with each other as we have been on the blogosphere.  If you're behind a few weeks, don't worry!  You can start the eCourse any time you want and share your thoughts on the list whenever you wanted.   We'll get into the nuts and bolts of that however once we start the next phase.

This week, I would like you to think about how you're presenting yourself to the world and how that's affecting your own personal goals.  The old cliche about looking your best helps you feel your best does have some merit, especially if you have love or job related goals.  It doesn't mean that you need to fit anyone else's mold of looking your best but your own.  If you don't like wearing makeup, don't.  If you don't like wearing a tie, don't.  This is about being the best personal you you can be and about feeling good in your own skin.

Some suggestions:

* If you would like to wear make up but have never really learned how, going to the MAC counter can be a good place to start (or asking a friend for help!) as 99% of the people (boys too) who work there are non judgemental as it's a safe haven for freaks on a leash who need a day job.

* Do your clothes fit you as well as they could?  If not, consider repairing them yourself if you can or taking them to be tailored.  That's a big celeb secret, they buy clothes that are as big as the biggest part of their bodies and then get the rest tailored.  Getting dress pants or a dress or your winter coat tailored can make a big difference in your wardrobe.

* Is your wardrobe missing something or you're in low supply of something?  Shoes, socks, outer wear, undergarments (if you wear a bra, you should get remeasured for one every six months) and accessories can make a big difference on how polished you look.

* Are you taking care of your skin, hair, teeth and nails?

* Are you drinking enough water, eating food that's kind to your body and getting some exercise in (even if it's housekeeping or a short walk)?

* Write a love letter to your body to tell it how much it rocks

* If you have trouble with self image, consider doing a magical work to make you feel better about yourself


Our physical selves often get neglected in magical workings, give your physical self some love and magic this week!

[New Year, New You] Weekly Writing Prompt: Maps (Wait, They Don't Love You Like I Love You)

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.


As usual, without even discussing it, my PEH and I are on the same page.

This week's prompt is for you to go some place that is sacred to you and to use the experience to guide you in your work for 2012.  Look for signs and omens everywhere, write down your dream from the night before and if your drunken whore of a Muse (. . .or, you know, your own personal spirits) give you direct input as to where to go and/or how to spend your time there, do what they tell you to do (. . .within reason, don't get stupid on me now, Charmers) and see where it takes you.

The point of this prompt is more about being open to an experience and relaxing your mind and seeing what kind of revelations you come to.  We don't all have access to standing stones, it's about going to a place that's important to you in your own personal cosmogram - it could be a town, a bar, a church, someone's house, a restaurant, whatever.  You know your own map.  And it doesn't matter if your dreams are filled with your boss telling you to buy tomatoes and vodka on the expense account and demanding you mask it so that Accounting doesn't bother zir (. . .not from personal dream experience or anything) or if all you hear on the radio is Sexy and I Know It ninety billion times on repeat and that the only wild life you see is someone's Labrador and Red Mini Coopers suddenly seem important, write it all down.  Don't try to interpret it until you're writing your blog entry.  Let it marinade by your bedside until you write your blog entry.

Go find adventure.

[New Year, New You] Some Enchanted Evening

Back to work, bus slave.

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.


So, when we broke down your goals, part of the question was what are you going to do magically to make sure that your goals happened.  This is the week to really focus on that.  If you have a ritual you've been wanting to do to shore things up, do it.  If you need to check in with your spirits on where you're heading, get going.  If you've hit a road block, break out your runes or tarot deck or whatever you use.  If you've been meaning to meditate, go with Gaia.

If you need to cut ties with something or someone in your life, get to it.  If you need to sweeten someone or something (bringing a new relationship into your life, a new job, etc), get to work.  Mojo kind of weak lately?  There's an app for that.

You've been grinding for five weeks, your resolve may be wavering but you don't have time for that.   You've been working too hard to just give up now.  You are a weaver of wonder, a dreamer of magic and in your tiny hands you possess the power to influence the universe in great and small ways.  But if you can't change your own life, how are you supposed to change the universe?  It all starts with your resolve to use  your magic.  It's your edge, your advantage in this world.  Use it.

You can do this.

[New Year, New You] Writing Prompt: Relax, Don't Do It

In the continuing adventures of the non-consentual D/s relationship
I have with my Muse, she requested this picture as it is an
"old school" pin up.  

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 


Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.


Deities: Dolphin, Bastet, Dionysus, Freyja, Lila

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous Moon - As we're moving from Waning to Waxing, start concentrating on using this phase as a slow working up to your potential power.

Days of the Week: Sunday, Monday, Friday

Inspirational Song for Your Brainmeats: Dirty Laundry, Bitter:Suite (I'm just a bad girl/ that's why we get along/ won't make excuses for anything I'm doing wrong/ What's the point in playing it safe?/ Wouldn't you rather misbehave?)


My entry on what I've been putting off will be, well, put off a little.  Jow has been v. sick with some kind vicious stomach bug so I've been tending to him.  He's just starting to get back to his cheerful self now but he was pretty miserable.  Ironically, given the name of this challenge, my New Year's didn't really go according to plan and neither did my New Year's Day but in a weird way while I don't like for Jow to be sick, I'm kind of glad I didn't get too caught up in the day itself because I find it has a way of derailing progress for the rest of the year.

Which is why if you have been doing what the prompts have been prompting you to do, I hope you can understand the reasoning behind this prompt.  Even if you're behind in the prompting, I suggest doing this prompt for this week very strongly.  I'll write you a permission slip, go out of order!  You already started pushing when it was the hardest to push and I've been reading all your diligent work.  But this week especially in my opinion is not a good week to be working on any kind of major progress in your goals.  I say this because this week especially stinks of the first world "quick fix/quick resolution" egregore where people make their goals with the best of intentions and then half heartedly work on them during this week and then fuck them up and then they give up.  You don't want to get your serious work that you already started messed up in that energy.  This program has seven more weeks to go and then will pick up fourteen more weeks right after in the mini eCourse.  You have plenty of time to get the things you want to do done, I promise.  I'm going to be pushing you like whoa again starting next week.

Your mission for this week is a simple one but for many may be the hardest.  I want you to do something nice for yourself.  It doesn't have to be anything really expensive or even super time consuming.  I want you to give yourself permission to enjoy the fruits of your labor and to give yourself something nice.  You know what you like, what's something you usually deny yourself because it's frivolous?  Do that and do it with your full heart - no guilt, no "oh but I should be", just something you enjoy, a gift from you to you for being willing to change your life.

Some suggestions:

* A salted caramel hot cocoa from Starbucks at a bookstore where you look at French Vogue and pretend you're part of GossipGirl


* A bottle of Prosecco, bread, fruit, cheese and dried meats and your favorite book.

* An hour playing a video game you never have time for

* Going to a yoga class and then feel smug about the sundae you eat afterwards.

* Buying yourself a small luxury item just because (flowers, cashmere socks, a favorite magazine, a new lipstick).

* A car ride in the countryside with your favorite music playing

* A long bath

* A massage

* A pedicure (it's good for boys too, I assure you)

* A mini marathon of your favorite trashy telly show with your favorite indulgence (smoking, drinking, junk food, etc.)

Go forth!

[New Year, New You] Weekly Writing Prompt: Something You've Been Putting Off

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.

Deities: Beaver, Uzume, Sehkmet, Ullr, Demeter, Saraswati


Phase of the Moon: The Waning Crescent Moon right now.  Use this phase to focus on banishing laziness from getting shit done that needs to get done.


Days of the Week: Tuesday, Saturday


Inspirational Music for Your Brain Meats: On the Radio, Regina Spektor (No, this is how it works/ You peer inside yourself/ You take the things you like/ And try to love the things you took/ And then you take that love you made/ And stick it into some/ Someone else's heart/ Pumping someone else's blood/ And walking arm in arm/ You hope it don't get harmed/ But even if it does/ You'll just do it all again)  


Let's face it, Charmers, the critical component to success or failure in your goals is your ability to do shit you don't want to do.  I can promise you that your goals are crammed chock full of glistening gems that you would rather claw your own eyes out than address.  If you liked addressing these things, your goals wouldn't be goals, they would be called Items I Am Already Doing No Problem-o.  


As O-Ren Ishii once said, Now's the fucking time.  Stop being a slag, stop complaining, stop coming up with amazing awesome reasons as to why you can't do it right now and close your eyes and grit your teeth and just do it.  Do it now before everyone else starts making their half assed efforts towards radical self change in a week or less because once you jump this hurdle, the other hurdles become much easier.  Now when you're most tired, now when you least want to.  Now is the time you show the universe how magic is done.


I believe in you, Charmers.  

[New Year, New You] Weekly Writing Prompt: Goals

You wish it was Avon calling.

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 


Please remember to leave a link here to your blog entry with your response to this prompt or an update on your own Experiment.


Many of you have already started to set goals for yourself which is awesome.  If you have not yet, this is the prompt for you to do so.


What do you want to accomplish in 2012 using both magical and mundane means?  

In the interest of full disclosure, I don't generally plan my activities around moon phases/days of the week but I know some of you are into that so I list my recs here for those of you who do.

God/dess/es: Athena, Bhramari Devi, Thoth, Var, Daikoku, Rat

Phase of the Moon: The Waning Crescent Moon right now.  Use this phase to focus on banishing your negative attachments

Days of the Week: Wednesday, Sunday

Inspirational Song for Your Brainmeat: What the Water Gave Me, Florence + the Machine (‘Cause she’s a crueler mistress/ And the bargain must be made/ But oh, my love, don’t forget me/ When I let the water take me)

Most of you have set the larger goals, but now is the time to do a few things:

1. How are you going to accomplish these large goals in your daily life?  You need to start breaking it up into bite sized pieces.  Our particular Experiment goes until Valentine's Day.  What can you reasonably expect to accomplish by then?  How will you do it?

Example: I want to be more physically fit.  What days will you go on the gym?  What's your Plan B if you can't get to the gym that day?  Do you want to be able to run for twenty minutes without feeling like you're dying?  Then how much time will you spend on the treadmill on Week 1 and how much on Week 2, etc?  Will you be modifying your diet/water consumption/alcohol consumption?  How?  What will you do when you go out with friends or go to parties?  What's your plan for when you get bored with the gym?  What about when you're snowed in or sick?  Really get into the meat of what you're trying to do.  You're going to fuck this up sometimes and that's okay.  But you need to start laying down real ground work because the more you you flesh this out, the more it becomes real.

An aside: While not the example given, many people want to write books.  I strongly suggest looking at my PEH, Gordon's eBook crash course and Penelope Trunk's advice today.

2.  What magical acts (rituals, spellwork, whatever it is you do) can you do to help you accomplish this goal?  If you are into Planetary magic, you may want to consider looking into the Gates work that RO does to help you accomplish your goals.  Thinking strategically in magic isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of us either.  Check out Jason's books on Strategic Sorcery if that's something you need some guidance on.

Continuing with our example of wanting to be more physically fit, you may want to consider taking yoga as part of your regime.  Not power yoga or sweating yoga or all the other ridiculous crap we add to make it more efficient.  Spiritual yoga led by a knowledgeable teacher.  Do ritual work to feel more present in your body.  Enchant to really make your body into a temple.  Put orange essential oil on to make you feel peppier and more able to do your work with a tiny spell rhyme attached to it.

3. Use your preferred method of divination to figure out both what you can do to make sure these goals will happen and also to figure out what road blocks keep you from this.

4. Consult whatever inner or outer spirits you may work with as to what's blocking you from achieving your goals.  If you're the meditative type, when meditating consult your spirits there.  If you aren't the meditative type, when you are just about to drift off to sleep when your mind is relaxed, ask what's preventing you from achieving these goals.  In terms of "who" you're asking, you can ask personal spirit guides or god/dess/es, your Younger Self, Talking Self, and Higher Self or even personifications of the traits you're either trying to emulate or discourage.  Whatever works for your personal cosmos.

That should be more than enough for you to try to figure out over the holidaze.  Get to work!

[New Year, New You] Weekly Writing Prompt: Making Way

What?  Like it's hard or something?

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation.  Please see here for how to participate! 

She (kicks the bed hard): Get up.

Me: Ugh.  No.  I feel like booboo.

She: What did I say?  Didn't I say this was going to be hard?  Stop whining and crying about your widdle sniffles and your pwerious auto-immune system problems and get to work.

Me:  I don't wanna do this anymore.

She: Bitch, you haven't even started yet.  You do not want to mess with me about this, especially this early in the game.  Get.  To.  Work.

***

I started a spreadsheet to keep track of everyone's entries.  The writing prompts will be happening on a weekly basis.  To keep getting entries in the contest and also to show everyone what you're working on, respond to each prompt with your response (and a link to it) or a link to your status update on your own personal projects. 


So, whenever I see the opportunity for success, I do what every sensible person does, I try to actively ignore it as best as I can and when that doesn't work, I do things to actively self sabotage it.  Getting back up from failure for me is easy, succeeding makes my blood run cold.  So, seeing all you lovely Charmers wanting to take place in this experiment that was completely initiated by me my muse, predictably made me want to hide under my bed with my new blankie and a bottle of St. Germain until it passes.  My body was more than happy to comply, my godson/nephew was spreading all his High Octane Baby Germ Farm cooties to Jow and me and today I feel like crap for the first time in a long time.  I tried to go back to sleep, but my Muse was not having any of it.  Tired of waiting for me to get my ass in gear I suppose.

Making Way

Let's start at the very beginning/ it's a very good place to start . . . 


Suggested Deities for this Working: Ganesha, Janus, Kali, Eostre, Bridget

Moon Phase: Waning (and She's waning right now)

Day of the Week: It can definitely be argued that Wednesdays are a good day to make changes as it's a Mercury day.  So don't be a slacker.  Saturday would also be a good day if you need a little time to get your shit together.

Suggested Inspirational Music: A Little Bit of Arson Never Hurt Anyone, Matson Jones
(And I've got people to see/ And places that I need to burn down/ And secrets that I need to burn out of my head)





You can't start putting all this awesome new crap into your life and body until you get rid of the old crap. Old crap here is defined as many things such as relationships that are no longer working, old crutches, clutter of the mind and of the house.

Let's start with the easy part.  Time to clean your house.  I know people get irritated when I say that but as a magic user, the way energy flows in a dirty cluttered house verses a clean organized house is very, very different.  If you do your work outside then you can disregard this part.  If you're an indoor dwelling creature like me, you can't.  Sorry.  If you are feeling really resistant to this part, take some time to journal and figure out why it aggravates you and then consider doing it anyway to see what it feels like to be in a different environment. If you don't like it, I assure you that it will go back to its natural habitat easily enough. You can totes hire someone do do the actual cleaning part.  Groupon often offers a first time cleaning service at a reduced rate so you can pay someone to do all the super tedious tub cleaning parts. If you would like to learn how to clean your house all by yourself, FlyLady is a good start because she has pretty realistic expectations of working full time/what you can do in a day and how to organize it/what reasonably clean is vs Miss Martha clean if you can put up with all the purple puddles and whatnot (you'll see).

Before you really start scrubbing things clean however, you need to start getting rid of junk.  If you are feeling clingy to your items, watch three episodes in a row of Hoarders and you won't be feeling so tight fisted anymore.  Are there books you have that you haven't looked at in over a year?  They've got to go.  Clothes that just need a small repair you'll never make/will fit if/you haven't worn in a year?  Bye.  Is your kitchen full of expired dry goods/refrigerated stuff?  Toss.  Do you have small appliances, pots and pans, electronics and other assorted space consuming items that you can't remember the last time you used?  Got to go.  Anything that is gently worn can be donated and this is a particularly nice time of year to be making donations.  There are organizations that benefit things like disease research instead of a religious agenda if that bothers you.  I personally like donating to Lupus because they take books and my grandma died due to Lupus complications.

Okay, so you decluttered and did whatever you had to do to get your residence clean.  Awesome.  Time to magically cleanse too.  All of this can be done as a sacrifice to the god/dess/es of your choice because it is a sacrifice for most of us to do all of that.

Is your time being well spent?  How are you supposed to really work on all these projects of yours if your time is getting siphoned off on unproductive things?  Only you can really determine what is a productive use of your time, but if it feels more like an obligation than something you really want to be doing and you are able to gently and quickly cut ties with that activity/acquaintance/whatever, do so.  Now's a good time to get rid of things that are dead weight.

It's also a good time to look at your schedule and make sure you're spending your time well.  Sometimes, spending your time well does indeed mean watching five hours of Toddlers and Tiaras and drinking port.   Everyone needs down time, but figure out how much down time you need per day so you're not a snarling beast and give it to yourself strings free.  If you don't, you won't be able to accomplish anything.  If you're just being lazy and screwing around (which is also in our nature), shut off the television, stop checking your smartphone every two minutes and get LeechBlock and do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing - spending quality time with your family, working on your business, making alchemy happen, going to the gym, etc.  In an ideal world, I think you should be able to find an hour a day to work on whatever project you want to work on.  I don't think that's crazy - eight hours to work, eight hours to sleep, seven hours for down time and whatever other unavoidable things you have to get done (like commute, errands, those kids of yours, etc) and then an hour for your special projects.  You can rotate your projects.  Maybe you can't go to the gym every day or meditate every day.  That's okay.  Dedicating at least an hour a week to it is probably more than you're doing now.  You should probably not have any more than seven projects going at a time anyway for your own sanity.

Just because someone hands you a big rock doesn't mean you have to carry it.   We all have baggage to deal with (such as forgiveness issues and toxicity).  What's weighing you down?  Light a candle to your deity(ies) of choice and really do some journaling about it.  Explore the issue(s) with a very close friend.  Do your best to let go of it, even if you do need to sometimes need to occasionally revisit it.

What I've done:


* As regular readers know, Jow and I have been having an on going discussion about what to do with our Spare Oom and we've made a lot of progress with figuring out how we want it to look and what we want to do there.  To do this, we destashed something like 200 something books, both to sell and donate.  I've also donated a sizable chunk of my wardrobe.

* I recently did a big house cleaning, so our house is in pretty good shape.

* In terms of time, I've done a lot of hard work to really give myself the freedom to do the things I want to do.  My work schedule is set up so that I have Mondays with Jow and my evenings and weekends were devoted to my crafting business as well as socializing.  Come Jan my schedule will be even more stable and I won't have an excuse not to write or go to the gym.

* In terms of big rocks, I realized it's a big stumbling block for me that I am afraid of success because it's had some really negative repercussions in my romantic life and subconsciously in addition to my usual fear of success, it's gone a step further because I was afraid that if I was too successful, I could lose Jow.  Naturally, we've talked a lot about this and the underlying issues there and anyone who knows Jow knows what a supportive pony he is but my fear is that I've thought previous relationships were supportive and hindsight has shown not so much.  I've also been contemplating relationships that became toxic as well as dealing with the holidays, my relationship with food and contemplating my future.  Lots of big thinking.