Tuesday, April 27, 2010

No, *really* you shouldn't have!

After discussing before bed how I was pretty sure that we were becoming the Miracle Max and Valerie of the blogosphere, with him shouting getting back witch and me shouting I'm not a witch I'm your wife and I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore and what about true love! Jow asked me, what have I done personally magically about the fibromyalgia. It was that lovely time of night where I had watched a satisfactory amount of Judge Judy, malas had been said, and pills had been taken rendering me more dreamily contemplative than ornery and we were lying in bed in the dark where all truth is born.

Reiki, I said finally. And that's all. I don't know why I never did more than that. But . . .I haven't.

Do you think it's because of shamanism?

Maybe? I was always to understand that having this nebulous condition meant that you were special, that you were chosen. I mean, other things too. But to my mind it's like I can think that god turned his back on me or I can think that this makes me more magically delicious. It's a lot easier living with b. than a.

Some gift though. No, really you shouldn't have!

I know right? Okay thanks for my -1 difficulty on all my magical dice rolls, but the +2 difficulty to daily life leaves something to be desired.

But before I went to sleep, I wondered what I always wonder when it comes to my fibromyalgia, I am who I am who I am who am I/ Requesting some enlightenment/ Could I have been anyone other than me? More specifically, who am I without my pain? Where is my power? Where is my sacrifice?

I don't know. I went to the ocean in my head and laid there until I fell asleep.


sara star said...

Well, this really is the crux of the issue, isn't it? Can you imagine being you without the pain? What would it be like? How would you function?

My chronic pain was so acute that I couldn't keep on living with it. To continue was unimaginable, but to remember what it felt like before, to set the work in motion to heal, was a herculean effort, I think, because I was functioning with the pain, while trying to visualize (not the right word, must include all senses, but you get me, right?), it being absent and pleasure being present.

I did have to literally sort out all the issues above. What would I be like without the pain? What would my average week look like then? The chronic condition colored so many aspects of my life that I truly had to think the whole thing out midnight to midnight Sunday through Saturday to have it down. But after playing that movie in my head a few times, after immersing myself in the vision with all sensations, I was ready for step two.

The second aspect besides visualization and a proper ritual and spell with all the trimmings. Was expectancy. I needed to expect it to come about. In the sort of way you might wait for a package of chocolates to come in the mail that you ordered from France. You figure they will come, they might get held up in customs, you almost forget they are coming, but they will come eventually and when they come you will be ready to receive them.

Third, I had to be willing to get the results as they came to me. Perhaps it would come in the form of surgery, a good medicine, diet, exercise. There may be sacrifices (there were). But I had to accept the cure when it came. In my case, it meant being a little indentured to my parents again because my mother could pay for my medicine for me. It did mean a surgery and diet changes.

This is my take on the shaman illness aspect. It is a initiating illness, that means once you have experienced the illness, it is perhaps part of your initiation and growth to heal thyself. The fact that you experienced the initiating illness will never be taken from you. And if you cure yourself you may achieve a higher level in your skills as a shaman. It is scary to attempt any new initiation, because of course that little part in your head says what if you fail. The answer is merely, that you must not fail--and you step out in the darkness and kindle your own light.

Until I encounter others with similar plights as me, I cannot even really frame my own experiences for myself. I don't consider my chronic condition a shaman's illness. I had my initiation and it was different. But curing myself was a very important part of my growth and training as a witch.

Rufus Opus said...

Wait, are you joking or for serious about fibro being an indicator of your magical potential? I think you're joking, but you're still all noobity to my sphere of interpretations, so I don't really know.

Plus I'm stoned on tuna salad sandwiches. Mmm. So good.

But yeah, in case you're serious, fibromyalgia and other nebulous syndromes are NOT indicators that you're special in some occult way.

They definitely mean God hates you. Personally.

That's from the 5th book of the Corpus Hermeticum, verse 113, "God hates Miss Sugar so He Smote Her With Fibro."

Post a Comment