Sunday, April 18, 2010

08 May 2009 @ 02:56 pm

As a child she was quite mystified
in searching for the soul
With spade in hand she soon began
to dig a little hole

At one league and 15 years she ventured down her tunneled plight
And was greeted by a troupe of dancing demons stanced to fight
Each demon bid her
"Say our names, as our names you should know
until such time your chains will bind us follow where you go!"

And what a joy it is to be the only one who knows
Katrinah Josephina soon identified her foes!

This song was given to me for this point in my shamanic journey. It's still sort of new and painful that my shamanic path which is a solitary path has become more solitary. In the beginning of my new life, I was having such deep trust issues with men, that Crow had me working with The Morrigan, which helped.

Eventually, I started getting nudged to stop sleeping and wake up again. I've been working on my kitchen witch book (K.), radiomancy has been working again (yesterday on the radio it was all Crow all the time), I've slowly started to take up my role as hearth woman again for my tribe, trying to not take on more than I can handle. I've started to feel the tribeweb again, which at first was just sort of dismaying (In the middle of the night/ Miss Clavel turned on her light and said, "Something is not right!" . . .and then no clue as to who was not right), but has started to settle and I've started to be able to work with it again.

Shamanism in my own experience tends to hit you with a stick until you pay attention (*thwack!* Your husband left you! *thwack!* Your car has been broken into! Do you want to see what I will do for my third hat trick? No, it's cool. I'll get my shit straight). I don't like getting hit with sticks and I'm a really boring creature of habit. I don't like my life being disrupted, I really enjoy the illusion that I have control over it. So I try to learn quickly. So obviously, the first bits were about standing on my own two feet, being finanically independent/responsible for myself, and trusting myself as well as getting the confidence back that I can take care of myself and do anything that needs to get done.

I've recently started dreaming again shamanically. I've missed it, even the hard ones.

So, I think we all have our share of inner demons (. . .or whatever you would like to call them for yourself) and maybe they're complete seperate entities, maybe they're just pieces of me/ you haven't seen, maybe they're somewhere in the middle. I don't really know, tbh. And in whiter light, everyone's all, ZOMG! DEMONS! SCARY! DO NOT TOUCH. Well, of course they're scary, they're demons. But they're yours (and you're theirs). I had gotten some good advice that I discarded in favor of some bad advice dealing with mine which was foolish but what's done is done. So with this whole trying to shine a light on all of the bits of me, including the bits I don't like, am ashamed of, am depressed by, etc. I decided to come clean about taking said bad advice to the good advice giver (I even knew it was bad at the time, but c'est la vie) and see how to work with mine.

I figured I needed to start naming mine. Because I figure, from what I'm to understand, people are sort of like demons in that when they are unhappy, they do terrible things sometimes and when they are happy, they are less likely to do terrible things. I needed to really look mine in the face and stop being so afraid. I'm still sort of at the beginning of that process. The ones I see straight from the gate are Gluttony, Panic, Self Sabatoge. I've started working with my Gluttony demon (she told me the name I could call her, but I'm sort of disinclined to share. We'll call her C.). It might sound weird and/or counterproductive to apologize about neglecting one's demons, but I've found it to be helpful. Neglect often leads to acting out. So, I started to really visualize C. I see her when she is unhappy as Despair from the Endless and when she is happy like November from Dollhouse.

At first it wasn't easy to speak to her in my trance-meditation because she was pissed at me. I would write to her from my internal house and send it off using tiny white mice on the thread between us. She had always wanted a really diva tastic little altar for her "home space" (I have a charm for her on my charm bracelet when I'm out and about), I will post pictures of what I made for her. Since I've asked her to be an active part of my life again, and I've remembered (almost every night) to make little food offerings to her, I've felt much more in control of my eating (instead of feeling like it's in control of me). I have trouble at my dad's side's events. There's too much food and I'm too nervous which = eating far too much. So I kind of reached out to her when I was getting really torqued and it really seemed to help.

While I was altar building, of course Big Poppa Crow was like *ahem*, I've been giving you specs for mine for months. So I got a wood "milk crate" little table and a piece of natural slate to put on top. I have His picture on it with His offering bowl. He requested to live outside on the balcony close to the house and fairy/house fae altar window. So, He's set too.

I've been asking Parvati/Durga/Ma, Crow, Yemaya, and The Morrigan to get through tomorrow. I'm hopeful.


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