Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Summer Solstice: As Is Tradition

Hi nice people! Thanks for joining the circus! So let's get right down to it. So far I've been celebrating Summer Solstice the super traditional way: by bleeding like a stuck pig with my period and being in a state of complete anxiety and shying away from the sun.

Maybe earlier in the week was a better example, getting local wine at the local winery, getting my spinning wheel (finally) fully assembled, picking out fresh localish food from the market, finishing up errands, cleaning the house so it sparkles but today . . .no.

This kitchen witch feels too strung out to even cook something today, J. and I will be going to Wegman's to get some kind of prepared meal that my picky stomach will perhaps not reject. I'm going to do a v. short bout of child care where hopefully I will just take the middle child to gymnastics where I can watch her and spin and not get into a battle of wills :: fingers crossed!::. I'm a nervous wreck, my hormones are on a horrific roller coaster so I feel clingy and needy (and then! Like I want to push other people away! Oh howdy I'm a treat today). I'm nervous because things are going waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too well for me. I'm used to struggle, I'm used to doing whatever it takes to survive, I'm used to failing and feeling like I've been punched in the face and leaping back up and doing it better, faster, stronger. Success rattles my cage horribly. I can fail a million times and it just inspires me more. But success? Manifesting what I've been working towards? Oh man, I become an anxious wreck who is curled in a ball on the couch.

I have three romantica pieces in final piles right now (and one of those is in contract), my pieces have been top o' the page on WitchVox, my first magical product launch was a success, my first craft fair was a success, my house is presentable, I look a little thinner and my chaotic schedule will be significantly more stable in the beginning of July giving me time to really focus on writing my kitchen witch book and going to the gym. Also, I've been to the dentist and will be scheduling my annual shortly. Did I mention that I will likely be completely out of credit card debt potentially six months to a year faster than I had planned and my finances for the month are working out fine?

Normal people would be all, Good show, self! Well done! Let's get an inexpensive bottle of champagne to celebrate and bask in our awesomeness!

*My* brain because of my background is all, hmmmm. This can't be right. How can I fuck this up? I know! Buy a ton of useless shit so there's no hope of getting out of debt, refuse to sit down and do the writing, make a mess of the house, maybe run something over like a nail or something or key my own new car and what can I do to fuck up all my healthy functioning relationships? Maybe you'd also like to pick at your failed marriage too just for funsies as this is when shit really started rolling down hill three years ago!

I haven't done any of that negative stuff yet (well. Except for some picking because as Carrie Bradshaw said, I'm an emotional cutter), but it's a struggle honestly. All I can think is oh shit oh shit oh shit what's going to go wrong? I'm used to thriving in chaos, I did for the first 28 years of my life. It's hard to not create drama to distract myself from what I'm attempting to do because then I don't have to be real and being real sometimes is . . hard. But I never want to find myself in a position where I've created a mask for myself that I can't take off, that scares the piss out of me.

So here's my Solstice celebration: terrified, panicky and likely eating food out of a tin and hiding from the outside world as much as possible. Happy Solstice!


Unknown said...

I'm actually sort of in the same place right now, nothing's wrong and it's freaking me the fuck out that I have nothing to freak out about. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Violet Sky said...

I think, that when a person gets used to moving from crisis to crisis, that smooth sailing is very nerve wrecking. We've been through almost a year of serious medical crisis with our daughter, and now that she is much better, & almost done with surgeries, I still am freaking out if her temp is 99. I know she is doing better, but I still freak. It's the way of the Mom I guess. As for getting out of debt, we are working a plan too. It will be done. Blessed Be.

Anonymous said...

I'm the same way; when things are going well, I'm aways waiting for the other shoe to drop!

What kind of spinning wheel did you get? (I am starting to save up for one now; want one desperately!)

- Beth (aka Laure of Laure and Jo from back east, now in Oregon :))

Deborah Castellano said...

@ Pallas & Violet - good to hear I'm not alone!

@Beth - hey there! I got a ashford kiwi as I had heard good things about it and it was in my price range. Now to learn how to use it! If you do put it together, the directions are non intuitive and we have a houseful of Ikea!

Anonymous said...

The Kiwi is one of the ones I'm considering--that or the Joy, but definitely I'm leaning towards one of the small, portable and economical Ashfords.

I enjoy your blog, by the way! :)

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