Monday, October 4, 2010

The truth is in the dirt on the ground/ not in your gilded cage with your rusted spoon/ when the ground splits open it will swallow you. . .

So as some of you know, my life has been shaken up like an ant farm in the last two years. It's been good (long term anyway, maybe not short term), but it's been scary as fuck. In the last two years, I've gotten divorced from someone I had been with for my whole adult life, I've moved closer to home, I got my first mortgage, I've become very active in writing which has always been a passion of mine, I've gotten paid for my writing (a big hurdle), I've stopped running my convention and will be running a Steampunk track at Arisia and now I seem to be shedding the last bit of skin I have left on me from my twenties, my job.

I'm terrified to say the least. Magically, it's sound. As Jason is fond of saying, you don't need magic to hold onto the status quo. I've done magic work and KEPT MY SOVEREIGNTY (I just really enjoy saying it like that, too much Venture Brothers, you can blame Jow for that). I asked for something v. specific in my honeypot spell I recalled today, I asked to be able to generate enough *paying* income to support my current lifestyle which is far from extravagant, including writing. I haven't dreamt of my dad in years and years but last night I was sitting down to lunch with him and in the dream my mom was doubtful about what I wanted to do but my dad seemed to think I should give it a go. Dad wasn't a business guru or anything, but usually Mom was the go team! in the fam so when Dad said you should do this somewhat crazy thing and Mom was doubtful, usually it worked out in real life.

This is an opportunity I've wanted for some time, the idea that I could make a living writing (which isn't as exciting! as it sounds, the main paid writing gig I have is writing about kayaks and tents, etc. but it pays well and I don't mind it) while having enough time off to launch Trevia (crafting AND Crafting), write some short stories, write some book outlines and write some more freelance. The mundane signs are there, I was literally the face of AOL for a day and received over 600,000 hits on my piece which was equally loved and hated (usually a pretty good sign) so while personally terrifying (*everyone* who has ever met me it felt like saw it which was v. vulnerable feeling) which will also give me future opportunities hopefully as well. But I would be working as a contractor which means that if this goes to shit and the company, while robust and in business for several years and growing, isn't bulletproof because nothing is in this economy. So if the company fails I'm totally boned in terms of unemployment. On the other hand, I am the equivalent of a Chanel bag in the nannying world and I could always go back to that if need be.

As of Dec. 15th unless something major changes, I will be jobless unless we make a placement which seems unlikely as we haven't since March. I am working on focusing my magic towards making enough money through writing/crafting and getting a severence. I will also focus magic on my book outlines. This feels like it's the right thing to do which of course makes me completely and utterly distrustful of it. Sometimes it seems like all my dreams are within my grasp (to work from home, to work reasonable hours so my fibro doesn't get worse, to write, etc) which makes me worry that I'm going to completely fuck it all up.

But oh how I am trying to not cling to what's safe but reach for what's going to be beyond status quo.


Unknown said...

Good luck and stay brave - You can do this!!

Jay said...

I just want to wish good luck and success!

Gordon said...

No clinging! This is important and essential. Reach, reach, reach.

Those first few breaths of free air feel cold on the lungs but there is nothing like them in the world.

And you'll be fine because you rock.

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