We are not alone/ in the Mortal City

Oh Blogosphere. You are abuzz with god talk and Gordon, my separated from birth twin/platonic Euro husband has double dogged dare us to talk about god.

I have been reluctant, and not really commenting on any of the god talk because . . .I can't even fully commit to agnosticism. Capital-G God, I have issues with. Because, around 13 I started to kind of be like, hmmmmm. Heaven? Not so sure about that. And then I bought in again when my dad died 'cause I needed to in order to get through it and then Mothra made the mistake of sending me to college where I decided that I should be able to *intellectually* wrap my head around Big-G and Catholicism. Instead I left the Church.

I am at heart, a boring ritualistic (not quite OCD) girl who deals with her control issues by planning and making things nice and neat. I don't like my antfarm shaken. Which is why sometimes I make the mistake of getting into sort of a pissing war with Big-G internally. I DEMAND ANSWERS! I DEMAND ORDER IN THIS CHAOS! And Big-G who can kind of be a jerk sometimes, laughs.

But I do have questions. What happens when we die? Why do some people suffer so terribly? Is there a meaning to any of this? Do we just rot in the ground, in the darkness? What makes life happen?

I don't have fancy answers or concepts or even a word to call myself. When I need to make order for myself, I consider that maybe people have voluntarily reborn into a life of suffering to get some perspective and to hash it all out with your after life guidance counselor. I don't think it's wrong to come back as an alpaca, I think maybe alpacas have their own sets of rules and standards and I don't think it's a step down. In fact, watching my useless cats makes me wonder if it's a step *up*. Reincarnation makes sense to me, but in a way different than most of the world. I *like* being a hamster on the wheel. I *like* being a human and being entrenched in all of its wonders, sorrows, and absurdities. The idea of not eating, playing, laughing, crying, fucking, etc. is traumatic to me. People keep trying to entice me with god world, evolving, etc. and I'm honestly not interested. I *like* all of this visceral experience and I'm grateful for it, even in my worst moments. There is a kind of ecstasy in real, terrible suffering but only (imo) if there is something to counter it.

I don't know that I believe in Big-G. I don't know that I don't believe in Big-G. I don't really know what happens when we die or any of the mysteries. This is where I am an agnostic, filled with equal amounts of trembling hope and doubt.

I know I believe in the gods, they've done much for me. I don't believe we have an equal relationship, sorry. But I do tend to see it as a parent amount of power verses an ant crushing amount of power. Little-g gods are easier for me to wrap my head around. They have personality quirks, specific appearances, stories, loves, hates, families. I can relate to that. Little-g gods aren't wish granting genies, but I believe that they can love us and want the best for us. I also believe that like Mothra, we may not agree on what's right for me. But sometimes she will be right (and some times she won't be).